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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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Jeopardy! champion Amy Schneider lost, ending a streak of 40 consecutive victories when she couldn’t remember Bangladesh as the only country ending in ‘H’. The third place finisher guessed Canadah.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement. President Biden is expected to nominate a liberal black woman, who, in turn, is expected to uphold the long fingernails of the law.

A Coatesville, Pennsylvania man followed a woman home and shot her & her brother because she bumped into him at a grocery store. The store has temporarily disabled the ability to buy handguns with loose change at Coinstar.

Spotify acted on Neil Young’s ultimatum and dropped his music from the service, keeping the Joe Rogan Podcast. Now a petition signed by 50 million Spotify subscribers asks Rogan to threaten to quit unless they pull the new Kid Rock single.

A 77-year-old Polish man is now sharing the story of a 20-year-old housekeeper, Irena Gut, who hid him and 12 other Jews in the basement of a Nazi officer’s home. He called her a lifesaver, but not exactly the best cleaner he’d ever seen.

Pope Francis called on parents to “never condemn” their gay children. Adding “and, you know, some child molesters aren’t all that bad either if you get to know ’em.”

A Philadelphia man shot his adult son, then the son took the gun and shot his father. No medical information is available on them, but police believe the two may never agree who the Eagles should take with their three first-round draft picks.

Scientists claim to have regrown a frog’s missing leg with a “chemical cocktail” – though they’re not sure it will taste as good as the one they removed.

Doctors conclude the COVID-19 vaccine will not impact menstruation, but women may still act kinda bitchy for a few days before they get it.

A man crashed his car into Taylor Swift’s New York City apartment building. He’s facing DUI charges once he shakes it off in a holding cell.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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Record flooding struck China. Rescuers complained of not having enough floating junks to haul away floating junk.

A man kneeling atop the dugout at a Triple-A Worcester Red Sox baseball game proposed to his girlfriend. She declined and ran away. He was demoted to Double-A marriage proposals.

Phoenix Suns head coach Monty Williams visited the locker room of the victorious Milwaukee Bucks to congratulate them on their Game 6 NBA title-clinching win. And to grab a couple free bottles of champagne to drink on a date this weekend.

Hospitals used body bags filled with ice water to cool patients in heat-related distress during the recent Pacific Northwest heat wave. And when it didn’t work, it was still a real time saver.

U.S. life expectancy experienced its biggest drop since World War II, with COVID, gun violence and drug overdoses all contributing. 2020 was so bad, it actually took a year-and-a-half off everyone’s life.

The MLB Cleveland Indians are officially changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Team officials made the announcement so Indians gear can be shipped along with Phoenix Suns NBA Champions apparel to underdeveloped countries.

Mississippi is asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, and – if they wouldn’t mind while they’re at it – explain to Mississippians where babies come from.

Producers of ABC’s daytime talk show The View are reportedly looking for a “Trump Republican” to replace departing Meghan McCain. “Not me” said Melania Trump.

San Francisco is reportedly considering $20,000 tamper-proof public garbage cans. At that price, homeless scavengers may decide to stop picking trash cans and start moving in to them.

The NFL issued a memo to all teams, saying that cancellation/postponement of games caused by COVID outbreaks among unvaccinated players & staff could result in forfeiture. That, or Texas-and-Florida-based teams may end up playing each other over and over.

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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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Masterpiece Cakeshop was fined $500 for refusing to make a birthday cake – blue on the outside, pink inside – for transgender woman Autumn Scardina. Scardina then tried to trick the baker by saying it was for a gender reveal party for a 30-year-old. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Tori Spelling told an interviewer she no longer sleeps in the same bed as her husband Dean McDermott, that she sleeps with her kids and her dog. In other news, Tori Spelling’s dog filed for divorce.

Donald Trump said windmills “kill everything” in a recent interview with Fox News Sean Hannity. “Damn right” said the families of birds who died tragically.

Iranians are voting in their Presidential election. “Ayatollah who’s gonna win” said an Iranian pollster.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic services agency who refused to let gay couples provide homes to foster children. The agency expressed gratitude at the ruling and their continued ability to allow only hetero couples to abuse children.

Daredevil Alex Harvill died while warming up to break the world record for longest motorcycle jump. The coroner said he’ll perform an autopsy once he stops skidding.

Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks lost their 22nd consecutive road game. They’re so cold, fans can’t wait for them to return to 118-degree Phoenix.

Golfer Phil Mickelson was visibly upset by a ringing cell phone while playing the 13th hole at the U.S. Open. He demanded the phone be put on silent, but his caddie said it was the fourth time Phil’s wife called to ask when he’s getting home.

Billie Eilish is under fire for allegedly mocking Asians in videos she made in her early teens, when she was known as Beery Irish.

Haiti’s mens soccer team missed out on a chance to qualify for the 2022 World Cup, when goalie Josue Duverger mishandled a defender’s pass for an own goal, and they lost 1-0. Duverger will never be able to silence the haiters.

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Derek Chauvin will not testify in his own defense at his murder trial. Chauvin informed the judge that it was his sole decision, just after his lawyer took his knee off of Chauvin’s neck.

The Chauvin trial jury is now expected to deliberate murder charges for the duration of an elevator ride to the jury room, then take another ride back to the courtroom and announce their conviction.

Democrats introduced legislation expanding the Supreme Court to 13 justices, and a separate bill to add a second Judge Judy who isn’t so mean all the time.

Mercedes-Benz debuted the EQS, its new all-electric car. The EQS has a ‘Power Nap’ mode for rest stops that reclines the seat, darkens the cabin, plays soothing sounds, and wakes up the driver if they’re having a bad dream about being poor.

Scientists have grown hybrid monkey/human embryos that survive up to three weeks in a lab. An unnamed investor is hoping combo monkey/humans can be fully developed so they can staff Amazon Warehouses.

Dr. Dre must find a new lawyer in his divorce proceedings, because his attorney had represented both Dre & his estranged wife in the past. The attorney objected, but the judge overruled his motion to dismizzle.

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez broke off their engagment. During this difficult time, neither asks for privacy.

The WNBA held its annual draft last night. “Really? I missed it.” said multiple players drafted by the WNBA.

A rare condition known as ‘superfetation’ resulted in a British woman conceiving a second child three weeks after first becoming pregnant, then delivering both as twins. She almost achieved superduperfetation, but the twins told a triplet to get lost.

Cuba’s Raul Castro, 89, resigned as Communist Party President. He said he hoped to celebrate with a cigar, but is worried his skin will catch fire.

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Krispy Kreme is giving a free glazed doughnut per day to anyone showing a COVID-19 vaccination card. They say the offer is only for people getting a COVID-19 vaccine, and is not valid for insulin shots.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear a Massachusetts request to reinstate Boston Marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s death sentence, with a spokesperson for the Court adding “this oughta be a quick one”.

20,000 Buddhists gathered via Zoom to celebrate Makha Bucha Day, one of their holiest days, where they celebrate principles like the quest for enlightenment, and the quest to figure out Zoom.

A new Microsoft study finds Generation Z workers think remote work makes them miss out on career growth from being around people in an office. The study researched 200 remote workers that Microsoft just fired.

Buckingham Palace is considering hiring a ‘Diversity Czar’, to help the Royal Family and their employees display empathy and foster understanding toward all shades of white people.

The NASA Mars Perseverance Rover shared a first look at partner vehicle, the Ingenuity Helicopter. A martian climbed out of the helicopter but stood up too soon and lost its head.

A top Fox Network executive died of COVID-19 complications. “We can’t believe it” said Fox News employees, meaning the coronavirus.

A ton of frozen pasta is being recalled because it was never inspected. Officials say you should return or throw out any products from Chef BoyarDisease.

Former Missouri Governor Eric Greitens, who resigned following a scandal where he blackmailed a hairdresser with nude photos, is running for the Senate. He said he’s the right guy to represent the Show Me..Yours state.

Women are more likely than men to have skipped healthcare visits during the pandemic, according to a study of men who have heard all about it.