A Cincinnati teenager attempting to kill a bed bug started a fire that caused $300K in damage. The Red Cross is working to find housing for those left homeless; the bed bug was believed dead, but then the opening strains of Moby’s ‘Extreme Ways’ played, and the bug was off on its next mission.

Philadelphia 76ers star Joel Embiid visited imprisoned rapper Meek Mill, telling him to trust the appeal process.

• Embiid offered to appear in court with Mill, but was held out to rest his knee.

President Trump spoke in St Louis on Wednesday. Referencing his tax reform plan, he told the crowd “the rich people actually don’t like me.” CNN & MSNBC viewers hated the speech, but said they felt rich.

Randi Zuckerberg, sister of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, complained that she was subjected to repeated lewd and graphic sexual remarks from the man seated next to her on an Alaska Airlines flight. Alaska Airlines announced that they revoked the man’s travel privileges, so that he will board in Group 7 and only get a half-can of Coke.

North Korea test-launched its most advanced ballistic missile, and experts claimed that it is capable of reaching the U.S. mainland, even carrying the weight of a warhead and dozens of defecting North Korean army soldiers grabbing onto it.

Transcripts of an interview that Donald Trump gave to now-defunct Maximum Golf magazine have been released. During it, Trump looked at a Mar-A-Lago socialite and told the reporter “there’s nothing in the world like first-rate pussy.” The quote was omitted from the article, since the writer had merely asked Trump what putter he used.

Off the shores of New Brunswick, Canada, a lobster was caught with a Pepsi logo imprinted on its claw.  Nobody knows how it got there, but speculation is that the lobster retired from dancing after appearing in Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show.

• A different lobster, captured by the same boat, was happy that the Pepsi logo’d crustacean provided a welcome distraction from his ‘N Sync tattoo.

Embattled Congressman John Conyers, the focus of sexual harassment allegations, is hospitalized with stress-related illnesses, and has been waiting for Nurse Debbie to answer the call button for over an hour now.

American Airlines is working to correct a scheduling error that left thousands of holiday flights without pilots. An airline spokesperson said the airline is confident they can find enough birds to push through the engines to write the cancelled flights off to mechanical issues.

Filmmaker & philanthropist Abigail Disney authored a USA Today opinion piece on tax reform, asking the government not to cut taxes for wealthy people like her. A rebuttal piece lauding the proposed tax reform plan was authored by industrialist Scrooge McDuck.