A group of Wyoming men tied the hair of their beards together in a bar and set a new world record for Longest Beard Chain. Their record was verified by several head lice who walked the full 150-foot length of the chain.

Former Playboy model Kelsey Turner plead guilty to murdering her 71-year-old psychiatrist. The presiding judge said he reviewed her statement to police, but mostly just looked at her pictures.

Amazon announced a new virtual healthcare service for allergies, acne and hair loss. They’ll treat thousands who developed severe acne and lost their hair over the stress of their Amazon warehouse jobs.

Consumer Reports claims electric vehicles are now less reliable as more manufacturers enter the category and introduce new technology. Their claim is disputed by the CEO of Yugo Electric.

Actress Hilarie Burton called Candace Cameron Bure a ‘bigot’ over Cameron Bure’s statement that her Great American Country Christmas movies will only feature heterosexual romance. Burton and Cameron Bure then returned to their respective mountain hometowns to help save independent candy stores from foreclosure.

Dave Chappelle reportedly tricked Saturday Night Live by doing a different monologue in dress rehearsal than one he performed on the live show. Producers say they weren’t fooled because the dress rehearsal routine lasted 2 1/2 hours.

Elon Musk emailed Twitter employees saying they needed to do “extremely hardcore” work or “get out”. The news worried employees hoping for work/life balance, but motivated female employees with Only Fans accounts.

Disney World increased ticket prices for the second time in a year. In a related move, free passes for Make-A-Wish families will be restricted to patients who almost definitely aren’t going to make it.

A bus full of migrants sent from Texas by Governor Greg Abbott arrived in Philadelphia. After several minutes in the city, nearly all of them called for 76ers Coach Doc Rivers to resign.

Newly-single Gisele Bundchen claims Joaquim Valente, a jiu jitsu instructor, is joining her in Costa Rica because he’s training the whole family. Though Bundchen’s kids admit Joaquin is spending a lot of time teaching Mom the full-mount jiu jitsu position.

The NFL’s Cleveland Browns banned a fan who hit team owner Jimmy Haslam in the head with a bottle following the Browns loss to the New York Jets. Dozens of fans who threw bottles at Haslam and missed retain the privilege of paying to see the Browns.

The COO of meat substitute maker Beyond Meat was arrested for biting the nose of a man during an altercation after a college football game. The man’s nose will be reconstructed from ground lentils and tofu.

Elton John will perform at the White House. It will be Elton’s first 2pm performance in years, followed by an early bird special where President Biden will ask him whatever happened to his bandmates in the Bay City Rollers.

300 workers at Home Depot in Philadelphia filed to form a labor union – but none of them know what aisle the caulk is in.

Philadelphia Eagles cornerback Darius Slay intercepted a pass during the team’s Monday night game over the Minnesota Vikings, then gave the football to Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden. Harden then demanded the football be traded for a beer and nachos.

A New York City weatherman was fired after he posed nude on an adult webcam site. Viewers could expect anywhere from six to eight inches.

Donald Trump ally Kash Patel published a children’s book about a rigged election. Since it’s not a pop-up book, Trump is not expected to read it.

A U.S. health panel now recommends all adults under age 65 be screened for anxiety. Although they don’t have any ideas for what to do about adults with anxiety about doctor visits.

A judge halted the execution of an Alabama inmate who requested to die by nitrogen hypoxia, after his lawyers argued he would suffer “irreparable injury” from lethal injection. Alabama prison officials argued that irreparable injury is kind of the whole point of execution.

A Kentucky prosecutor was suspended for offering to assist a female defendant if she sent him nude photos. The prosecutor said he was just trying to help out his cousin.

Wildlife officials used jelly donuts to bait a trap for a bear roaming residential neighborhoods in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania. The bear was captured elsewhere, and the trap caught six on-duty Drexel Hill cops.

Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid is applying for French citizenship, so that he can join France’s national basketball team and sit out the 2024 Summer Olympics with an injury.

A man ran onstage and tackled Dave Chappelle during his performance at the Hollywood Bowl during the Netflix Is A Joke Festival. The security company that staffed the Oscars and the festival said they’re hiring.

Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame inductees for 2022 were announced, including Duran Duran, Pat Benatar & Eurythmics. Another year, another disappointing shutout for Color Me Badd.

Starbucks announced they’ll raise wages for employees, but only if they’re in a non-union store, and only if they spell their name correctly on their tax forms.

Doctors grafted and grew a penis on a man’s arm after he lost his original one due to a blood disease. After six years growing on his arm, it was finally transferred to his groin. He’s happy with the results, but said sucking it is now a lot less convenient. [Story h/t to JTR!!]

Singer Phoebe Bridgers said she had an abortion last October while on tour. A male fan who’d purchased Gold Circle VIP Meet & Greet tickets called it “the best concert ever”.

CVS Pharmacy announced first quarter earnings that topped expectations, in a press release that was really long and offered $5 in ExtraCare Reward Bucks.

Samsung introduced a new 256GB memory card that it claims will record up to 16 years worth of dashcam video – making it easier than ever for state troopers to compile those Best Of DUI compilation videos for the office Christmas party.

A Massachusetts DoorDash driver is credited with helping to save the life of a woman waiting outside for a pizza delivery, who fell and hit her head as her husband slept inside. The woman was rushed to a hospital, and the husband rushed the pizza to the living room.

Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

The Bidens adopted a two-year-old cat, Willow. It’s the first pussy in the White House in five years that hasn’t had to sign a non-disclosure agreement.

A bridge in a Pittsburgh park collapsed just prior to a visit from President Biden to discuss repairs to infrastructure. Joe Manchin & Kirsten Sinema aren’t sure the bridge needs fixing.

Two Philadelphia 76ers fans were ejected frrom the team’s game against the Los Angeles Lakers for repeatedly yelling the taunt “boy” at Lakers Carmelo Anthony. They’ll be entered into a diversion program and taught to throw batteries.

A couple was arrested and charged with using fake vaccine cards to attend the Buffalo Bills home playoff game against the New England Patriots. It’s the first time that someone faked credentials in order to contract frostbite.

Minnie Mouse is trading in her dress for a Stella McCartney pantsuit. “I’ve been asking for pants for almost a hundred f**kin’ years!” said a furious Donald Duck.

A study suggests four factors influence the likelihood someone will have long-term effects of COVID-19, including viral load, diabetes, existing antibodies, and failure to follow through on doing their own research.

Apple announced it has over 1.8 billion active devices, and about 11 billion in drawers with broken screens.

Octomom’s eight children turned 13, and each received a fire extinguisher to put out 104 birthday candles.

Investment website Robinhood reported disastrous earnings and an erosion of its user base. It plans to correct the course by robbing rich customers and giving the money to itself.

Pennsylvania’s state-owned liquor authority opened a free lottery where winners can buy rare Pappy van Winkle whiskeys for prices of $299-$399 per bottle. They’ll also continue to sell regular $10/bottle whiskey that makes regular people feel like they just won a lottery.

Facebook is reportedly changing its name to emphasize its focus on the metaverse. Also, Donald Trump is already banned from the metaverse.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers player Ben Simmons was suspended from the team for refusing to participate in a defensive drill – shocking NBA fans who couldn’t believe teams actually do defensive drills.

Actress Ruby Rose, former star of Batwoman on The CW, used Instagram Stories to criticize producers of the show for running an unsafe set rife with injuries and sexual harassment. “Why didn’t you just call me?” asked Batman.

Queen Elizabeth II “reluctantly” accepted her doctor’s advice to rest, and cancelled a trip to Northern Ireland. Instead, Buckingham Palace is where she defends her 2020 Guinness-Chugging Contest title.

William Davis, a registered nurse in Texas, was convicted of killing four patients by injecting them with air – from his butt.

A Grateful Dead tour t-shirt from 1967 sold at a Sotheby’s auction for a record $17.640. The winner then washed the weed stench out of it and it resold for $50,000.

An Israeli scuba diver discovered a Crusader sword off the country’s Mediterranean coast estimated to be 900 years old. He surrendered it to the government, and now has to come up with a different Halloween costume idea.

Hawai’i will reopen to vacationers and other non-essential travelers on November 1st, but many people getting off the plane are wary of the newly-imposed Lei Mandate.

Dr. Dre is reportedly furious with estranged wife Nicole after being served with divorce papers as he attended his grandmother’s funeral. The papers had to be dried off since Dre dropped them while pouring out a 40 for Grandma.

Rapper L’il Yachty is a first-time father to a baby girl, Dinghy.

A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.