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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.

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After being dropped by Adidas for antisemitic remarks, Kanye West showed up uninvited at Skechers headquarters in Los Angeles, but was escorted away by security. Other sneaker makers are also declining a Conversesation.

MTV is rebooting ‘Cribs’ – starting with a premiere episode featuring a dozen of them holding Nick Cannon’s newborns.

Shares of Facebook parent company Meta plunged 20% as investors questioned the company’s ongoing investment in virtual reality. CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unfazed, saying shares are up a gazillion percent in the Metaverse.

Medical experts are concerned the U.S. will face a ‘tripledemic’: COVID, flu & RSV (respiratory virus) this winter. Although smartphone gambling addicts are hoping that it happens so they win their 10:1 three-legged parlay.

A diver found a sixth dead body in Nevada’s Lake Mead, where waters are receding due to record drought. The man just happens to be a diver, he found the body by driving up to it.

Taylor Swift’s ‘Anti Hero’ music video has reportedly been edited to remove a scene where she sees the word ‘Fat’ while weighing herself. The scale now reads ‘200 more pounds til you’re Lizzo!’

Seven people were injured when a train ride derailed at Branson, Missouri’s Silver Dollar City. It was Branson’s largest casualty event since ten people harmed themselves sitting through the Yakov Smirnoff Revue.

Medical professionals say people shouldn’t participate in the latest viral TikTok trend: taping your mouth shut while sleeping. Wives with insatiably horny husbands say they’ll still take the risk.

Ford and Volkswagen terminated a billion-dollar investment in tech firm Argo Ai to develop vehicles without steering wheels, pedals or brakes, after a development meeting where Argo Ai presented them with a skateboard.

Khloe Kardashian called ex Tristan Thompson a “f**king liar” when he said he wanted to expand their family. For his part, Thompson, who’s fathered children with three women, admits she got the “f**king” part right.

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Britney Spears announced she’s pregnant with fiance Sam Asghari’s baby. But just in case, Kevin Federline petitioned for an increase in child support payments.

Etsy sellers are on strike to protest an increase in transaction fees. Sellers say the fee increase makes them feel almost as disappointed as someone receiving a gift bought on Etsy.

Following the planned closing of a K Mart in Avenel, New Jersey, just three K Marts will remain open in the United States. However, Steven Seagal will be appearing at the Grand Opening of the newest K Mart at the Kremlin.

Security for founder Mark Zuckerberg cost Facebook parent company Meta $27 million in 2021. $1 million for bodyguards, and $26 million for office workers to figure out his Facebook privacy settings.

A Belgian couple with 12 children named all of them with only the letters L, X, A & E. Names include Alex, Axel, Leax, Xela, etc. Then the woman got accidentally pregnant with a 13th child who they’ll name Floyd.

Elon Musk advocated turning all, or part, of Twitter’s headquarters into a homeless shelter since most employees are working from home. He’s not sure how big to make it, but he’ll start by housing 280 characters.

A self-driving electric taxi was pulled over by San Francisco police for operating without its lights on. The car then removed a Fleshlight from the glove compartment and asked if the cop really needed to write a ticket.

Google released the 100th Version of its Chrome Internet browser – then released the 101st version ten minutes later after a security breach in Version 100 .

In Cornville, Arizona, a javelina jumped into an open Subaru hatchback to eat a bag of Cheetos, became trapped, and knocked the shifter into neutral, causing it to roll away. A sheriff’s deputy opened the door, allowing the javelina to escape before later dying from eating Cheetos.

The Biden Administration will remove delinquency status from millions of student loan borrowers, making them ‘current’ and improving their credit scores, so they’ll soon be eligible to default on auto and home loans.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

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480 Otis – a brown bear residing in Southwest Alaska – was declared the winner of ‘Fat Bear Week’, a public voting contest for overweight bears. Otis moves on to the global competition, where he’ll compete against other bears and obese gay guys.

The President of the New York Police Department Union resigned following an FBI raid of his house, after he blocked them at the door and requested his standard bribe to let them in.

The U.S. Department of Education announced a new student loan forgiveness program, which could erase the debt of up to 550,000 Grubhub drivers and baristas with Psychology degrees.

1,400 factory workers at Kellogg’s went on strike following a failed year of negotiations for better pay and benefits – described by a union spokestiger as “not GRRRRRREAT!”

Republicans continue to block Democratic efforts to raise the debt ceiling prior to a mid-October deadline. It’s so heated, Nancy Pelosi isn’t allowed to charge her lunch at the Congressional cafeteria.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at a whistleblower’s claims that Facebook puts profit before people, saying it’s “just not true”. Zuck added they also put algorithms before people.

A woman suffered significant burns after running into a hot spring at Yellowstone National Park to retrieve her dog. The woman was treated for her injuries, and the hot spring now belongs to the dog since he urinated in it.

Experts claim to have positively identified California’s Zodiac Killer – responsible for murders in the late 60s – as Gary Francis Poste … a Sagittarius.

CNBC rated the Top Financial Advisory firms of 2021. Number One overall was Dana Investment Advisors of Wisconsin. Ranked last was your cousin who told you to sell your house and use the proceeds to buy Dogecoin.

National Hockey League official Ryan Gibbons was taken off the ice on a stretcher following a violent accidental collision with Arizona Coyotes center Liam O’Brien. Gibbons was diagnosed with a concussion immediately after he signaled a touchdown.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx appeared on ‘Dr Phil’ to tell a ‘catfished’ woman that he really didn’t propose marriage to her. “Thank you Dr Phil, good..you’re the one who made me feel alright.” she said.

A new lawsuit claims Subway restaurants have no actual tuna in their tuna salad. The claim is supported by a whistleblower cat, hired by Subway to eat mice and lick counters clean.

Alabama’s coronavirus positivity rate is the highest in the nation. “Hooray!” said Alabamians who still don’t get what ‘positive’ means.

Post Cereals acknowledged there’s a nationwide shortage of Grape Nuts, coinciding with a nationwide shortage of dentist appointments to fix broken teeth.

A storm packing 80mph winds toppled 15 giant sequoia trees in Yosemite National Park. The park suffered over $200 million in damages, and a GoFundMe was established to benefit dozens of homeless squirrels.

Encrypted messaging app Signal added new mainstream chat features, in order to appeal to a wider audience of people seeking to overthrow their government.

A Louisiana cemetery refused to bury a black sheriff’s deputy because it sold plots in the 1950s promising “whites only”. The deputy may still be interred there, because dead bigots said they’d only be buried with blacks “over their dead body”.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg said they intend to “turn down the temperature” and downplay divisive political posts in News Feeds. “Alright, we’re back in business!” said kittens.

Hobby Lobby said it will discontinue 40% off coupons, responding to intense criticism from grandchildren getting crappy homemade birthday gifts instead of money.

Kraft is launching a pink-colored version of its macaroni & cheese for Valentine’s Day. For the next two weeks, poison control centers are being told to expect frantic calls from parents mistakenly thinking their toddlers are throwing up blood.

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MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.

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Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

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Two of trainer Bob Baffert’s horses tested positive for banned substances, including Kentucky Derby favorite Charlatan. Charlatan and the other horse checked themselves into a rehab pasture.

Off-price retailer Tuesday Morning is closing 230 stores and declaring bankruptcy. A judge scheduled a hearing for Tuesday morning, but executives said they’re busy then.

Nevada casinos are set to reopen at partial capacity on June 4th. They’ll feature new touchless slot machines, where you hold your credit card next to it and it just tells you how much money you lost.

New streaming service HBO Max launched. It’s expected to compete with Netflix, Hulu, Disney+, Amazon Prime, YouTube Premium & others for people who look at the menu for 20 minutes and decide there’s nothing to watch.

The Federal Reserve reports massive unemployment during the pandemic is compounded by people who don’t want to return to their old jobs. They didn’t specify which jobs, only that it rhymed with ‘Glamazon Scaremouse’.

Tom Brady is selling his customized Cadillac Escalade for $300,000, just as soon as he removes the video of other NFL team practices from the DVD player.

Whisper, a 20-year-old beluga whale, gave birth to a calf at the Georgia Aquarium. Per Georgia tradition, the father is expected to return for a shotgun whale wedding.

A rare bottle of cognac sold for $146,000 at auction, thus increasing the budget for a hip-hop artist’s new video by $146,000.

Joe Biden says he hopes to announce his running mate by August 1st – so, in about two weeks.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, responding to Twitter fact-checking Donald Trump, said he doesn’t believe social media should be the ‘arbiter of truth’ – especially when there’s so much money to made peddling bullshit.