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Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.