Monday Jokes: January 4th

Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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