Some McDonald’s franchisees are choosing not to promote the Cardi B. & Offset Meal because the hip-hop stars don’t reflect the company’s “family-friendly” values. Their sentiment is echoed by recently-paroled, born-again Christian, Hamburglar.

Drug maker Eli Lilly said they’ll cut the price of insulin. “Sweet! But, not too sweet” said diabetics.

Lori Lightfoot, Mayor of crime-ravaged Chicago, lost her bid for reelection. The top two vote-getters, Paul Vallas and Brandon Johnson, will now face off in the city’s first-ever mayoral shootout.

Elsewhere, Bola Tinubu was elected President of Nigeria – but other candidates called the process rigged, including rival Ruda Giulianu.

Former Trump adviser Steve Bannon told reporters “I ain’t going to jail” as he faces fraud charges for embezzling donations from the ‘We Build The Wall’ fundraiser, and routing them to his ‘I Build A Beach House’ project.

Justin Bieber cancelled the remaining dates of his Justice World Tour. Refunds will be processed just as soon as they pay Ticketmaster the $50 refund processing fee.

Twitter rolled out a new ‘zero tolerance’ policy on violent speech – resulting in the immediate suspension of hundreds of open-mic comedians who falsely claim to have killed last night in a bar basement.

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto said the inspiration for games comes from his childhood experiences in nature. For instance, when he was 6, he ate a wild mushroom in the woods and then saw a gorilla kidnap a blond woman in a ballgown.

Conservative CPAC director Matt Schlapp is accused of sexual harassment, fondling a male aide to failed Senate candidate Herschel Walker to C what he was PAC’ing.

China slammed a U.S. Energy Department report claiming the COVID virus came from a government lab in Wuhan – saying if the U.S. had bothered to get their facts straight, they’d know it came from a high school biology class.