Some McDonald’s franchisees are choosing not to promote the Cardi B. & Offset Meal because the hip-hop stars don’t reflect the company’s “family-friendly” values. Their sentiment is echoed by recently-paroled, born-again Christian, Hamburglar.

Drug maker Eli Lilly said they’ll cut the price of insulin. “Sweet! But, not too sweet” said diabetics.

Lori Lightfoot, Mayor of crime-ravaged Chicago, lost her bid for reelection. The top two vote-getters, Paul Vallas and Brandon Johnson, will now face off in the city’s first-ever mayoral shootout.

Elsewhere, Bola Tinubu was elected President of Nigeria – but other candidates called the process rigged, including rival Ruda Giulianu.

Former Trump adviser Steve Bannon told reporters “I ain’t going to jail” as he faces fraud charges for embezzling donations from the ‘We Build The Wall’ fundraiser, and routing them to his ‘I Build A Beach House’ project.

Justin Bieber cancelled the remaining dates of his Justice World Tour. Refunds will be processed just as soon as they pay Ticketmaster the $50 refund processing fee.

Twitter rolled out a new ‘zero tolerance’ policy on violent speech – resulting in the immediate suspension of hundreds of open-mic comedians who falsely claim to have killed last night in a bar basement.

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto said the inspiration for games comes from his childhood experiences in nature. For instance, when he was 6, he ate a wild mushroom in the woods and then saw a gorilla kidnap a blond woman in a ballgown.

Conservative CPAC director Matt Schlapp is accused of sexual harassment, fondling a male aide to failed Senate candidate Herschel Walker to C what he was PAC’ing.

China slammed a U.S. Energy Department report claiming the COVID virus came from a government lab in Wuhan – saying if the U.S. had bothered to get their facts straight, they’d know it came from a high school biology class.

No Jokes Tomorrow – Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday! cd

The Supreme Court ruled Congress may obtain Donald Trump’s tax returns. Now they just need to find the H&R Block store in Russia that prepared them.

Ice Cube said he missed out on a $9 million film role because he wouldn’t get the COVID vaccine. Cube argued that he’s a member of NWAA – N**gas With Adequate Antibodies.

Hundreds of workers at Apple’s largest manufacturing plant in China fought with guards over restrictive COVID lockdowns at employee dormitories. No one can figure out how to stop the violence, because all the factory’s Genius Bar employees were knocked out.

Kanye West reportedly showed Adidas employees intimate nude photos of ex-wife Kim Kardashian. He’s accused of showing dozens of people something they’ve already seen dozens of times.

Pennsylvania’s Attorney General received 2,500 complaints about Taylor Swift tickets. They also received a complaint about Ed Sheeran tickets – but that was just a guy mad that his girlfriend bought Ed Sheeran tickets.

Joe Biden extended the freeze on student loan payments until June, giving underemployed grads the flexibility to default on car loans instead.

Georgia GOP candidate for U.S. Senate Herschel Walker declared a primary residence in the state of Texas. “So what?” asked Dr. Oz.

A former Catholic priest in Louisiana pleaded guilty to obscenity charges after filming sex with two female dominatrices on the altar of a church. Asked to explain why he was there with two women, he said he’d given altar boys the night off.

Singer Jordin Sparks joined Kelly Rowland in defense of Chris Brown, whose American Music Awards tribute to Michael Jackson was cancelled. Reached for comment, Brown said “I’d hit that”.

Titanic director James Cameron said he almost didn’t give the lead role of Jack to Leonardo DiCaprio due to DiCaprio’s diva attitude during casting. Cameron admits the movie turned our far better with DiCaprio than with his alternate choice, Jim Varney.

Illegal Mexican border crossings increased from 36k in February to over 50k in March, according to data from Ticketmaster affiliate Smugglemaster.

Adding to the inflow of illegals, in early March Carnival Cruise Lines christened its newest vessel, Enchantment Of The 40-Foot Cargo Trailer.

President Trump talked border security at a speech in West Virginia – well known as the #1 Dream Destination for immigrants as pictured on their ‘Become A Heroin Dealer’ Vision Boards.

Trump told the same crowd that “millions and millions” of people voted illegally in California. No additional details were given, but it’s believed he was referring to the Academy Motion Picture Arts & Sciences Lifetime Achievement Award for Harvey Weinstein.

A survey of large corporate IT departments finds that many are moving away from passwords and toward biometric data such as retinal scans and fingerprints, in an effort to minimize hacking. One drawback is that the IT Help Desks of these companies have a hard time helping employees that lose their fingers and eyeballs.

Police in Youngstown, Ohio have issued a warning about so-called “zombie raccoons” – raccoons they believe to be infected with distemper, that appear in the daylight as opposed to remaining nocturnal. The raccoons are dangerous, but may be leaving the area for Hollywood to pitch their ‘Zombie Raccoon’ tv show.

Defending champion Sergio Garcia stunned fans watching The Masters when he hit five consecutive balls in the water on the par-5 15th hole, taking a score of 13. Tournament officials did, however, allow him to hit every fan saying “hell, I coulda done that!” with his 5-iron.

The Philippines is closing the island of Borocay – known for its pristine blue water and white sand beaches – for six months, claiming the island has become a “cesspool” because of an influx of tourists and draining human sewage into the ocean water. The Philippines advised tourists who still want to swim in raw sewage that there’s always Mexico.

An analysis from researchers in Toronto finds that eating pasta can help you lose weight. Their study followed 2,500 people who were food poisoned at Olive Garden.

A tour bus crashed en route to The Masters in Augusta, Georgia, injuring over a dozen passengers. The driver was charged with DUI, in case you were wondering what John Daly is up to these days.