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Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, 56, married Brittany Furlan, 32, on Valentine’s Day. “Holy shitballs, we did it!” Lee posted on Instagram, quoting from his wedding vows.

  • The two will share custody of Lee’s children from prior marriages, and his hepatitis.

HGTV’s ‘House Hunters’ may be changing its format to lose voice-over narration. Apparently producers are tired of editing out the narrator asking “where did these two idiots get six figures to buy a house?”

President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency to secure funding for his border wall with Mexico. This is Trump’s fourth major declaration, following his three bankruptcies.

Rumors are circulating that Lady Gaga and fiancé Christian Carino are breaking up. Insiders claim that she’s stopped wearing her engagement ring, and moved her meat dresses out of the couple’s refrigerator.

A woman having her foot and ankle amputated due to years of chronic pain from an equestrian accident wrote a “breakup note” on the foot with a Sharpie. Before taking anesthesia for the amputation, doctors still asked her four times which foot they were removing.

A study claims that women over 50 who consume more than one artificially-sweetened diet drink per day are at higher risk of stroke. The study appeared in the most recent issue of AMA journal ‘Stroke’ – the one with President Trump’s photo on the cover.

A new website thispersondoesnotexist.com demonstrates the ability of artificial intelligence to create convincing fake faces. The site was created by Philip Wang, a software engineer, to show his mom all of the girls he’s dated.

Amazon cancelled its plans to locate a new headquarters to Queens, after Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez almost ran out of gas trying to find a skyscraper in the outer borough to land her helicopter.

Papa John’s announced they’ll pay 100% of employees tuition for online degree programs. Because if your experience delivering pizzas won’t get you your dream job, that B.A. from University of Phoenix definitely will.

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and other stars are calling for the Motion Picture Academy to reverse its decision to announce four Oscar winners – including editing and live-action short film – during commercials. The actors say if Oscars viewers didn’t like being bored, ‘Roma’ wouldn’t be nominated for Best Picture.

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Historians discovered a lock of George Washington’s hair inside of a 1793 almanac. The hair was believed to be a gift from Washington to Alexander Hamilton’s son James and his wife, who were registered at a furniture store but, no, this lock of hair is great.

South African President Jacob Zuma resigned after intense pressure from his political party ANC. A spokesperson for ANC said “all we want to see is Zuma zoom zoom.”

Apple’s new HomePod smart speaker is reportedly leaving ring-shaped stains on furniture. Apple will charge $79 to remove them, or, if enough people bitch about it, $29.

Lena Dunham underwent a total hysterectomy as she battles endometriosis and nobody talking about her that much anymore.

A wheelchair-bound 75-year-old woman nicknamed “Kingpin Granny” is accused of trafficking illegal opioids from her Tennessee home. She was released on $50,000 bond, despite prosecutors arguing that while she wasn’t so much a flight risk, she was a rollaway &/or death risk.

55-year-old Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee is engaged to 31-year-old Vine star Brittany Furlan. They bonded over the fact that both Motley Crue and Vine don’t exist anymore. This will be Lee’s fourth failed marriage and Furlan’s first.

President Trump offered prayers to the families impacted by the latest deadly school shooting, because as a “stable genius”, he knows how effective that is.

Stormy Daniels has been advised that Trump lawyer Michael Cohen’s public admission of a $130,000 payment he made to her voids a non-disclosure agreement, leaving her free to tell her side of an alleged affair with Trump. Daniels hasn’t decided what form her tell-all would be, but most are ruling out a TED Talk.

Netflix canceled 18 shows, saying that most just ran out of stream.

McDonald’s announced that they’re removing cheeseburgers as an option in Happy Meals, following the release of the McDonaldland Coroner’s autopsy report from Hamburglar’s lesser-known brother, Cheeseburglar.