Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.

Brad Pitt, 56, is reportedly dating 27-year-old Nicole Poturalski. She’s married to 68-year-old restaurant owner Roland Mary, but they supposedly have an ‘open’ relationship. So, Roland Mary should be open to getting dumped.

Researchers find that people could get help losing weight if they eat their own fecal microbiome. Or, if they want to eat others’ fecal microbiome and not lose weight, they can stick with Chipotle.

The Jacksonville Jaguars surprisingly cut starting running back Leonard Fournette. Fournette was last seen happily rushing for several thousand yards out of Jacksonville.

American Bryan Piccioli leads all competitors in the World Series of Poker, which is taking place online for the first time. Piccioli credits being able to stay relaxed by watching porn at the same time.

French tennis player Benoit Paire tested positive for COVID-19 ‘inside the bubble’ at the U.S. Open. He’s been called “out”.

A 3-year-old Taiwanese girl was caught in a giant kite during a kite-flying festival, sending her high into the air. The girl landed safely with two arms, two legs and a new tail.

A TikTok user shared video showing a McDonald’s hamburger and fries stored in her closet for 25 years. The food hadn’t decomposed, but her grandkids still refuse to have lunch at her house.

Katy Perry shared an unfiltered postpartum selfie wearing a breast-pumping bra and disposable underwear. Baby daddy Orlando Bloom saw it and filed for divorce, but then remembered they’re not married yet.

Google Maps is testing showing traffic lights on streets. Drivers are looking forward to staring at their phone to see if the light turned green.

A new study found hotel elevator buttons have 700 times more germs than a household toilet seat – and about 10,000 times fewer germs than the underside of a household toilet seat.

A vegan in Australia sued her neighbor for grilling meat in their backyard. The neighbor countersued the vegan for grilling asparagus in hers.

Climate scientists say global warming has lowered the survival chances of the Great Barrier Reef to “very poor”. The outlook is even worse for the Average Barrier Reef.

Google was fined $170 million for collecting and selling YouTube data on children under 13. Parents grew concerned when their small children viewed ads targeted to kids who pick their nose and “feel funny down there”.

Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, is reportedly preparing for bankruptcy. It’s so bad, they’re reaching out to addicts whose lives they’ve ruined for tips on how to be broke.

The American Vaping Association criticized Michigan’s ban of fruit flavored vape pods, saying it’ll only drive teens to smoke tobacco cigarettes. “We hope so”, said the maker of new Fruit Loops Cigarettes.

Presidential candidate and activist Marianne Williamson suggested that people use “the power of the mind” to divert the path of Hurricane Dorian. Which made nuking it seem pretty sensible by comparison.

Brad Pitt quit drinking – making it an even bigger longshot for less-than-gorgeous women to get their shot at Brad Pitt.

Scarlett Johansson said she believes Woody Allen never molested children, adding that, if she’s wrong, she’s 34 and rich so…whatever.

A 78-year-old Australian woman collecting hen’s eggs was pecked to death by her rooster. “If I can’t have you, NOBODY WILL!” shouted the rooster as he was led away by cops in ridiculously tiny leg irons.

Robert Pattinson told Variety that his last four film roles featured him masturbating. Pattinson, who’s been cast as the new Batman, said an early scene has him giving Alfred the night off.

 

Science & art festival ‘Maker Faire’ has halted operations and laid off all 22 employees, many of whom can now be seen at ‘Job Faire’.

New York City’s Four Seasons luxury restaurant is closing, after finding diners preferred Five Guys.

An 81-year-old Florida man is suing Jaguar, saying the automatic door on his $96,000 car tore off a portion of his thumb. He plans to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court of Rich White Guy Problems.

Brad Pitt ordered organizers of the controversial Straight Pride Parade to stop using his likeness in their promotions. Straight Pride leaders are unfazed, having already secured Toby Keith as backup.

Dunkin’ warned customers of its Turnersville, NJ location they may have been exposed to Hepatitis A if they visited the store between May 18 and June 1, or if they ate a Glazed Hepatitis donut.

A Pakistan Airlines passenger delayed his flight by seven hours, opening the emergency exit door before departure, thinking it was the bathroom. He jumped on the inflatable emergency slide and messed up the tarmac.

Justin Bieber Tweeted to challenge Tom Cruise to a cage fight – ideally, to the death of both.

O.J. Simpson said in a telephone interview that he now lives a solitary life in Las Vegas, in what he calls the “No Negative Zone” – he only wants to be around, and murder, positive people.

YouTube superstar JoJo Siwa had her tween make up kit recalled from retailer Claire’s after the FDA found asbestos in it. Besides the mesothelioma risk, the FDA said that asbestos would prevent young girls from looking like ‘fire’.

Celine Dion ended her 16-year residency at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. With Dion’s show ending and Britney Spears on hiatus, Carrot Top has started singing lessons.

 

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, 56, married Brittany Furlan, 32, on Valentine’s Day. “Holy shitballs, we did it!” Lee posted on Instagram, quoting from his wedding vows.

  • The two will share custody of Lee’s children from prior marriages, and his hepatitis.

HGTV’s ‘House Hunters’ may be changing its format to lose voice-over narration. Apparently producers are tired of editing out the narrator asking “where did these two idiots get six figures to buy a house?”

President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency to secure funding for his border wall with Mexico. This is Trump’s fourth major declaration, following his three bankruptcies.

Rumors are circulating that Lady Gaga and fiancé Christian Carino are breaking up. Insiders claim that she’s stopped wearing her engagement ring, and moved her meat dresses out of the couple’s refrigerator.

A woman having her foot and ankle amputated due to years of chronic pain from an equestrian accident wrote a “breakup note” on the foot with a Sharpie. Before taking anesthesia for the amputation, doctors still asked her four times which foot they were removing.

A study claims that women over 50 who consume more than one artificially-sweetened diet drink per day are at higher risk of stroke. The study appeared in the most recent issue of AMA journal ‘Stroke’ – the one with President Trump’s photo on the cover.

A new website thispersondoesnotexist.com demonstrates the ability of artificial intelligence to create convincing fake faces. The site was created by Philip Wang, a software engineer, to show his mom all of the girls he’s dated.

Amazon cancelled its plans to locate a new headquarters to Queens, after Jeff Bezos’ girlfriend Lauren Sanchez almost ran out of gas trying to find a skyscraper in the outer borough to land her helicopter.

Papa John’s announced they’ll pay 100% of employees tuition for online degree programs. Because if your experience delivering pizzas won’t get you your dream job, that B.A. from University of Phoenix definitely will.

George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and other stars are calling for the Motion Picture Academy to reverse its decision to announce four Oscar winners – including editing and live-action short film – during commercials. The actors say if Oscars viewers didn’t like being bored, ‘Roma’ wouldn’t be nominated for Best Picture.

Former White House staffer and ‘Apprentice’ star Omarosa Manigault-Newman, author of a new book on the Trump Presidency, claims she was offered money in exchange for keeping quiet. Trump’s supporters and critics both call this “not the worst idea the Trump administration has ever had.”

Omarosa appeared on Sunday morning television to state that she recorded her firing from the White House by Chief of Staff John Kelly. Having appeared on The Apprentice multiple times, she said she just assumed someone should be recording every time somebody gets fired.

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan in full pads attempted to sneak on to the field during the team’s practice on Saturday. He was removed by team officials and called a press conference to announce his retirement due to CTE.

In advance of the Unite the Right 2 white supremacist rally scheduled for Washington, DC on Sunday, President Trump tweeted to condemn “all types of racism and violence…even the good kind.”

The Italian island of Sardinia is issuing fines over $3,000 for visitors stealing sand from the beaches. So far police have collected six figures from toddlers and Moms caught with sand in their butt cracks and flip-flops.

Two female former Nike employees accuse the company of systemic gender discrimination and failure to provide equal pay. They call their legal action Just Sue It.

A hippopotamus attacked and killed a Chinese tourist in Kenya. The tourist was rushed to a hospital but died of his injuries; the hippo is reportedly already hungry again.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa went from 140 to 175 pounds through mixed martial arts training, although he admits that 30 pounds are muscle, the other 5 are weed.

Miami University of Ohio refuted Florida Republican Melissa Howard’s claim that she graduated from the school. Howard, 46, is a candidate for state representative in Florida’s 73rd District. “Wait. There’s a Miami… in OHIO?” said Floridians.

Angelina Jolie returned to California as ordered by a judge in her divorce proceedings from Brad Pitt. She was seen shopping for weekly groceries at Whole Foods, so she upped her child support request by $100,000.

 

 

 

The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.