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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.

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Darrell “Dusty” Crawford of Montana was revealed to have the oldest DNA on the continent, verfiable with 99% accuracy of going back 55 generations. He decided to get tested after receiving a letter from someone claiming to be his long-lost stegasaurus cousin.

Lady Gaga stripped down to her underwear on the red carpet at the Met Gala. “Put some clothes on!” said an onlooker, handing her a pound of sliced ham.

Google and Apple removed three dating apps from their respective app stores because the FTC said they could be used to target children — leaving hundreds of fourth graders scrambling for a new way to find dates to the big dance in the gym this weekend.

The FCC is warning people about the One Ring Robocall – where scammers call from an international number and hang up, hoping you’ll call back and be gouged with call charges. This is not to be confused with the One Ring Bootycall, where your ex-boyfriend calls you and hangs up when a guy answers the phone.

A new study claims that severe alcohol-related liver disease is on the rise, especially in young adults. Chalk up another victory for the makers of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.

Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg suggested that if God supported a political party, that it wouldn’t be the Republicans — overlooking the idea that if there really was a God, she or he could just get whatever they wanted as an Independent.

Cynthia Struble, a 64-year-old American Airlines flight attendant, was stopped from working a flight out of London Heathrow Airport for a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit. She failed a sobriety test, pointing to lavatories instead of exits.

The world’s fastest supercomputer, dubbed Frontier, will be built in the U.S. by 2021. It will be able to perform 1.5 quintillion calculations per second — making it capable of updating an Apple operating system in just under 45 minutes.

The Centers for Disease Control commented on prediabetes, a condition affecting millions of Americans with high blood sugar, but not high enough to be Type 2 diabetes. They recommend specific lifestyle changes, such as avoiding the $5 box at Popeye’s.

The CDC also issued a list of four groups at highest risk to contract measles, based on the current outbreak. They are: young children, unvaccinated travelers, pregnant women, and the Brady Bunch in that episode antivaxxers keep harping about.