Following a user poll, Elon Musk reinstated Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Trump has yet to use his account because he wants to support his own Truth Social, and because he’s been unsuccessful navigating Twitter’s Reset Password process.

Analysts at Yelp compiled their list of The 10 Best Dive Bars in New York City. Establishments qualified as ‘dive bars’ by virtue of offering a martini priced under $20.

Tanya Herbert of Houston, Texas is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as having the largest feet for a woman, 13 inches long and a size 18. Guinness officials also confirmed a Bigfoot sighting in a Houston area TJ Maxx.

A mountain lion attacked and killed a chihuahua after the owner finished walking the dog near their Hollywood Hills, California home. The mountain lion was described as “still hungry”.

A woman gave birth to twins from embryos frozen 30 years ago. The twins are both healthy despite being labeled ‘Best if used by 10/92’.

An international consulting firm study states employers will be giving employees their biggest salary increases in 15 years – telling workers who get Meets Expectations on their annual review to brace for a whopping 1.1% increase instead of 1.0%.

Chimpanzees are capable of sharing experiences with each other, a trait once thought to be only exhibited by humans. Researchers made the discovery after watching chimps share boring pictures with other chimps of their camping trip.

Producers of the American Music Awards cancelled Chris Brown’s planned medley & dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Apparently in rehearsals, whenever Brown got to Beat It, all of the women ran away.

Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.

Taylor Swift released her new album, Midnights, then several hours later released the ‘3a.m. Edition’ of the album featuring seven new songs, after she remembered seven more guys who’d dumped her.

Elon Musk plans to cut 75% of Twitter’s staff if he buys the company, with the rest hanging on by a Twitter thread.

Netflix added a disclaimer of “fictional” to Season 5 of its series ‘The Crown’, which follows the drama of Britain’s Royal Family, after viewer backlash. However, they still refuse to add a disclaimer of “dull”.

Netflix is also planning to film a new Adam Sandler movie with ‘Uncut Gems’ writer/director partners the Safdie Brothers. Right now it’s only referred to as ‘Untitled Adam Sandler Project And NO, Rob Schneider & Kevin James Can’t Be In It.’

Steve Bannon is scheduled to be sentenced today following his conviction for Contempt of Congress. Bannon is expected to fight the sentence, as well as any requests to get his to shave or shower beforehand.

Girl Scouts of America received its largest-ever individual donation, $84.5 million, from Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, philanthropist MacKenzie Scott. Said Scott, “now get me the goddamned Thin Mints.”

New York City opened a tent camp to house immigrants bused there by southern U.S. states. The immigrants are unexpectedly finding themselves fighting for tents with NYC residents because they’re nicer than their apartments.

Motley Crue and Def Leppard announced a 2023 World Tour, giving fans in South America and Europe the chance to see & hear for themselves that Vince Neil can’t sing anymore.

James Corden, who’d reportedly apologized for his rude behavior to restaurant servers, now says in a New York Times interview “I haven’t done anything wrong, on any level”. This comes as news to anyone who watched ‘Cats‘.

Fashion house Balenciaga terminated their relationship with Kanye West over his anti-Semitic remarks. However, West is expected to sign a deal with Wrangler jeans, who say if they worked with Brett Favre, they might as well work with this guy.

A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

Vladimir Putin decreed plans to annex four territories to make them officially part of Russia – three in occupied Ukraine, and Mar-a-Lago.

Lebron James is buying a Major League Pickleball team. “I will be taking my talents to Miami” said the team’s 79-year-old captain.

Google announced that its Maps navigation app will ‘vibe check’ new neighborhoods you’re visiting, based on artificial intelligence and user feedback. Drivers exploring new Philadelphia and Chicago neighborhoods report getting lots of ‘carjack vibes’.

A study claims the average person has sex 5,778 times in a lifetime. Women report the 5,778 sexual encounters lead to roughly four orgasms.

A new docuseries ‘I Love You, You Hate Me’ explores the dark side of children’s show Barney & Friends, including the purple dinosaur’s illicit workplace relationship with costar Baby Bop.

Amazon is rolling out the first major software update for its $999 robot dog, Astro. Owners are hopeful it will reduce incidents of the dog pissing on the rug.

Mark Zuckerberg’s Little-League baseball card sold for $120,000. The back of the card listed Zuckerberg’s personal statistics, and instructions on how to access the personal information of several billion other people.

Elon Musk said Tesla’s Cybertruck – arriving in 2023 – will be able to temporarily serve as a boat. “Wow, just in the nick of time!” said residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast.

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Los Angeles landed in Texas because a female passenger repeatedly yelled “we’re all going to die!” The woman explained that by ‘we’ she meant everyone else who ordered the chicken salad snack box.

Apple executive Tony Blevins, vice president of procurement, is leaving the company after appearing in a Tik Tok video saying he “has rich cars, plays golf, and fondles big-breasted women” for a living. Blevins now plans to pursue a career in rap.

A bear crashed a two-year-old’s birthday party in Hartford, Connecticut and ate all of the cupcakes. Nobody was injured, and the bear booked appearances at three other upcoming birthday parties.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is out for ‘several weeks’ after suffering a thumb injury in the Cowboys’ season-opening 19-3 loss to Tampa Bay. Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy’s thumb is okay despite being stuck in his ass.

Credit card companies will create a new merchant category for gun dealers, which they say may help identify suspicious firearms purchases. However, critics say it won’t identify bulk sales of AR-15s at Ollie’s Bargain Outlet and Big Lots.

Elon Musk’s college girlfriend Jennifer Gwynne is auctioning off mementos of their time together at the University of Pennsylvania in the 1990s. Appraisers say that, after almost 30 years, the condoms Musk removed during sex held up surprisingly well.

Herb Kohler, heir to the family’s fortune in faucet & plumbing supplies, died at age 83. No cause of death was given, only that his health went swiftly down the drain.

Viral video captured a British Airways pilot announcing the death of Queen Elizabeth mid-flight between New York & London, eliciting tears from some passengers. He then announced the inflight movie as Jared Leto’s ‘Morbius’, eliciting tears from everyone.

A father and son were arrested for stomping on a guest at a Florida wedding reception, nearly killing him. Guests called it the worst-ever attempt at the Electric Slide.

Explorers have mapped an additional 6 miles to Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave system, bringing the total to 426 miles, the world’s largest. There’s now even more room for Kentuckians to live under a rock.

Apple released iOS16. It’s available to download today, for use starting Thursday when it’s finished installing.

Britney Spears said that she has no plans to ever perform again, saying she’s pretty traumatized for life. Britney’s father, Jamie, bought a bigger mailbox to fit all of the thank-you cards he’s been getting.

Gregory Foster of San Diego, California broke his own world record by eating 17 Bhut Jolokia ‘ghost’ chili peppers in one minute. For the second time, Foster was added to the national waiting list for rectum transplant recipients.

Elon Musk sold nearly 8 million shares of Tesla stock, collecting $6.9 billion by doing so. Musk will use the money to buy up all the pictures of his pale doughy body on that yacht.

Donald Trump took the Fifth Amendment to all questions asked at a deposition as he faces charges for fraudulent asset valuations. He wanted to take the Sixth Amendment because it’s an even bigger amendment.

A Michigan man who built his own fiber-to-home internet service because he couldn’t get good service from Comcast or AT&T is expanding it with a government grant. He says his biggest challenge is finding time, since he spends hours each day answering customer service calls from his wife and kids.

Coke introduced its latest Coca-Cola Creations limited-time flavor, called ‘Dreamworld’, which the company says is ‘inspired by dreams’. Specifically, you close your eyes and dream that the drink isn’t ruining your teeth and waistline.

A Beluga whale that was stuck in the France’s Seine River for more than a week died while in transit to the sea. Critics say it was a bad idea transferring the whale via Megabus.

More than a dozen tech companies – including Amazon, IBM, & Cloudflare – are developing a new open standard for sharing information to prevent cyberattacks. The cost will be offset once an anonymous Nigerian prince collects his inheritance.

Uma Pemmaraju, an Indian-born woman who was one of the first Fox News Channel anchors, died at age 64. Pemmaraju was considered a Fox News pioneer for getting a job there without being blonde.

Polyfluoroalkyls or ‘PFA’s – the ‘forever’ chemicals used in nonstick cookware – are definitively linked to liver cancer. Although scientists say your spouse’s meatloaf isn’t helping either.

Retired NFL running back Marshawn Lynch was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas. His car had one flat tire and another tire totally missing. Asked if his endorsement contract is at risk, a Subway spokesperson said “we’ve had worse”.

Cat food brand Fancy Feast is opening a two-day pop-up Italian trattoria restaurant for humans in New York City. So far, no one has applied for the short-term job scooping the restrooms.

A passenger entering Australia after a flight from Indonesia was fined $1,874 for failing to declare two Egg McMuffins in their luggage. Australia has strict new biosecurity measures to prevent illness from Indonesian McFoot & McMouth Disease,

Nichelle Nichols, Lt. Uhura from Star Trek, passed away at 89. According to her manager, she’ll only appear at Trek conventions for just two more months.

Someone turned in 62 3D-printed ‘ghost guns’ at a Houston gun buyback event, collecting a $150 gift card for each. The owner said the guns are no good to him anyway, because the bullets fly right through the ghosts.

Spectrum Cable was ordered to pay $7 billion in damages to the family of an elderly Texas woman murdered by one of its employees. Spectrum plans to appeal the award, and raised the family’s bill by ten bucks a month.

Because he got a foot-long back tattoo with Subway sandwich shops new Subway Series logo, a Las Vegas man now gets free Subway sandwiches for life. He plans to eat Subway cheesesteaks and meatball subs every day for the rest of his life – about 14 months.

Applebee’s launched a line of lip gloss that tastes like chicken wings – good news for men who like the taste of chicken wings, and kissing 70-year-old ladies who buy lip gloss at Applebee’s.

The NFL plans to suspend Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson for six games, following its new “one game suspension for every five sexual assaults” formula.

Taylor Swift’s team rushed to her defense after a report stated her private jet took 180 trips in seven months, making her a “climate criminal”. They say the trips weren’t all hers, since she routinely loans her jet out so her two cats can visit out-of-town family.

Elon Musk’s father Errol said he’s not necessarily proud of his billionaire son, and that he needs to lose weight. It’s difficult to know how Elon will react to the stinging criticism from the guy who knocked up his stepsister.

Starbucks is closing 16 stores because of employee safety concerns stemming from open drug use in the stores. Starbucks is also considering dropping the popular Mocha Fentanyl Latte from other locations.

NASA shared its first images from the James Webb Space Telescope, the largest ever built. Included were an alien planet, a galactic cluster, and a veritable who’s-who of famous women who forgot to close their curtains.

Tiger Woods ripped LIV Golf players who ‘turned their back’ on the PGA Tour and major championships in order to cash in on the Saudi-funded tour. Woods said he would never turn his back on a golf tour, only on his wife or several girlfriends.

Elon Musk said Donald Trump should “hang up his hat and sail into the sunset”. Trump angrily declined, saying he’s scared of boats.

A 23-year-old Maryland man was rescued after falling into Italy’s Mount Vesuvius volcano crater trying to retrieve the smartphone he dropped. Ancient Gods from the great beyond said he lived because you can’t sacrifice morons to the volcano.

Abbey Gile, ex-girlfriend of New York Jets QB Zach Wilson. claims Wilson cheated on her with Wilson’s mom’s best friend. Gile has already sold her screenplay “QB Bangs His Mom’s Best Friend” to be made into a Pornhub Movie Of The Week.

Ania Palus, a lawyer briefly removed from the Wimbledon Men’s Tennis final for drunk-heckling Australia’s Nick Kyrgios, said she was “supporting him”. Palus then left Wimbledon to go to a local comedy club and “support” the comedians there.

A preview of Season 2 of Hulu’s The Kardashians features Kim Kardashian asking boyfriend Pete Davidson if she wants to shower with him. Davidson replies by asking how wide the shower is.

Owners of Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks in South Philadelphia plead guilty after being sued by the IRS for tax evasion. They also settled with the Food & Drug Administration on charges of nutrition evasion.

Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider criticized performers like Ozzy Osbourne and KISS for having multiple “farewell” tours, likening KISS not going away to holding a “fart in a paper bag”. Meanwhile KISS fans attending their Farewell Tour can pay $40 to buy Paul Stanley’s or Gene Simmons’ farts in a paper bag.

Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.