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Attorney General William Barr wants to charge violent protesters with sedition. “Cool it now” replied non-violent Black Lives Matter protesters New Sedition.

Burger King announced The Whopper is now made without any artificial ingredients or colors. Regular customers are relieved at having naturally clogged arteries.

Israel declared a second coronovirus lockdown, and added Yom Covid to their expansive list of religious holidays.

Jerry Harris, 21-year-old star of Netflix cheerleading docuseries ‘Cheer’, was arrested on child pornography charges. “Gimme a D!” said Harris.

Michigan confirmed the case of a deadly mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis ‘EEE’ virus. They started testing after seeing mosquitoes flying six feet apart from each other.

The U.S. Postal Service reportedly scrapped a plan to mail 650 million face masks to Americans, because they were worried about how to handle the volume of follow-up thank-you cards.

Williamson County Texas deputies who used force on the job were reportedly rewarded with gift cards to local steakhouses. Unfortunately, a group dinner resulted in one deputy dying when others gave him a chokehold instead of the Heimlich maneuver.

Winston Groom, author of ‘Forrest Gump’, passed away at age 77. His box of chocolates ran out.

Actress Charlize Theron said on The Drew Barrymore Show that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years. “Now I make my move” thought the old guy who cleans her pool.

The popularity of online classrooms has limited in-person bullying. Parents who want their wimpy kids to build character now have to make beat-up dates with bored punks.

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A ‘flying taxi’, backed by Google co-founder Larry Page, is starting test runs in New Zealand.  So far the biggest issue is passengers falling to their deaths after saying “just drop me off anywhere.”

President Trump addressed the military on Tuesday and floated the idea of creating a “Space Force” to fight future battles in outer space. The Chairman of Fox Entertainment declared the newly debuted Fox Kids cartoon ‘Space Force’ a huge hit.

Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking died at age 76. No cause of death was listed but I mean…come on.

The U.K. will expel 23 Russian diplomats after Moscow refused to explain how a Russian-made nerve agent was used on a former spy in Salisbury, England. The diplomats are said to be stunned over a return to Russia, thinking there’s no way they’d have to live anywhere that the food is worse than England.

The World Surf League has instructed broadcasters televising women’s surfing events to avoid close-ups of the surfers’ crotches and buttocks in high-cut bikini bottoms. Representatives for the broadcasters agreed, and said they’ll try to focus their cameras on the sharks ogling the women from several feet away.

Walmart plans to expand its grocery delivery business – meaning they’ll ask the Frito-Lay and Hawaiian Punch truck drivers to toss stuff on Walmart shoppers’ porches on their way to the stores.

‘Ear seeds’, or auriculotherapy is trending. The treatment derives from Chinese medicine and involves sticking plant seeds on the ear to treat bodily ailments. The treatment can be done at home, but some hospitals have reported treating infections from cheapskates rubbing sesame seed Whopper buns on their ears.

Students nationwide walked out of their high-school classes to protest gun violence. Most protests are planned to last at least 17 minutes — or, longer, if you’re the skinny kid and it’s Dodgeball Week in gym.

A California teacher and reserve police officer trained in gun usage accidentally fired his weapon during a public safety class, sending a bullet in to the ceiling and injuring a student from falling debris. The accidental firing is in dispute, since the teacher’s last words before the gun went off were “I said SHUT UP.”

Ford Motor Company is recalling over a million midsize cars since the steering wheel can become detached, and knock the cell phone out of drivers’ hands.