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A sequestered jury convicted Derek Chauvin on three separate murder & manslaughter counts in the killing of George Floyd. They returned the verdicts so fast, nobody earned Marriott Points or got to sample the free breakfast buffet.

Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld said he was relieved at the Derek Chauvin verdict because his neighborhood got looted during Black Lives Matter protests over the summer. Greg Gutfeld added that he lives in a Foot Locker.

Peloton refuses to recall their treadmills, despite instances of small children being injured by them. Peloton believes admitting their products hurt kids will harm their upcoming launch of Peloton Tricycles.

A Los Angeles judge ordered that all homeless people on Skid Row be offered housing by the fall. His ruling preceded the groundbreaking ceremony for Skid Townhomes.

Kelly Osbourne said on the premiere episode of her podcast that she’d relapsed after four years sober. Osbourne said she’s sober again, but hopes the ‘cast gets plenty of downloads and that she doesn’t download more martinis.

Six English soccer clubs exited the proposed European ‘Super League’ before it even started, leaving its future in question. However, the Not-So-Super League – featuring your kid’s 6 & under soccer game – is still on for “too early” this Saturday morning.

Pfizer says they’ve found counterfeit COVID-19 vaccines in foreign countries. A company spokesperson reminded health officials that authentic bottles of vaccine don’t have The Flintstones on them.

The parent company of Old Country Buffet declared bankruptcy, citing reduced traffic during the pandemic, and costly legal settlements with dozens of families whose toddlers drowned in the chocolate fountain.

A new study finds poor sleep doubles the risk of sexual dysfunction in women. The study included 1,000 sleeping women poked awake by their partners’ erections.

Queen Elizabeth thanked well-wishers on her 95th birthday – the first since the death of her husband Prince Philip. She said she’ll miss birthday sex, so she may open the closet and dust off the royal scepter.

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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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Attorney General William Barr wants to charge violent protesters with sedition. “Cool it now” replied non-violent Black Lives Matter protesters New Sedition.

Burger King announced The Whopper is now made without any artificial ingredients or colors. Regular customers are relieved at having naturally clogged arteries.

Israel declared a second coronovirus lockdown, and added Yom Covid to their expansive list of religious holidays.

Jerry Harris, 21-year-old star of Netflix cheerleading docuseries ‘Cheer’, was arrested on child pornography charges. “Gimme a D!” said Harris.

Michigan confirmed the case of a deadly mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis ‘EEE’ virus. They started testing after seeing mosquitoes flying six feet apart from each other.

The U.S. Postal Service reportedly scrapped a plan to mail 650 million face masks to Americans, because they were worried about how to handle the volume of follow-up thank-you cards.

Williamson County Texas deputies who used force on the job were reportedly rewarded with gift cards to local steakhouses. Unfortunately, a group dinner resulted in one deputy dying when others gave him a chokehold instead of the Heimlich maneuver.

Winston Groom, author of ‘Forrest Gump’, passed away at age 77. His box of chocolates ran out.

Actress Charlize Theron said on The Drew Barrymore Show that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years. “Now I make my move” thought the old guy who cleans her pool.

The popularity of online classrooms has limited in-person bullying. Parents who want their wimpy kids to build character now have to make beat-up dates with bored punks.

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Fitbit introduced a new $330 smartwatch – designed to be the most expensive thing you leave on top of your dresser.

Nikki Haley addressed the Republican National Convention, saying “black lives are valuable” – referencing the handful who might actually vote for Trump.

McDonald’s is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets – the first new McNuggets flavor since they were introduced in 1983. They’ll be made with cayenne peppers, chili peppers, and possibly chicken.

A group of Krispy Kreme employees glazed a donut 25 times just to see what would happen. What happened was the donut was too heavy to be held in a paper bag, and every customer watching them demanded a dozen.

KFC has dropped its “finger lickin’ good” slogan amidst the global pandemic, as though it’s COVID-19 making customers sick and not the food.

Singapore’s waterfront is home to the world’s first floating Apple store. It’s also home to the first shoplifting ring that offers swim lessons.

The cartoon frog that appears in Google weather forecasts now wears a face mask. He’s been dropping some weight so now he also carries a fly swatter.

A bride & groom who canceled their wedding reception due to COVID-19 donated the unused food to a homeless shelter. However, shelter residents were annoyed at not getting their food until they did the electric slide.

Ole Miss – University of Mississippi football – announced their plans to limit in-person attendance to 25% of capacity at football games. They’ll only give tickets to Mississippians with a full set of teeth.

Women on TikTok are encouraging men to wear ‘short shorts’ with a 5-inch inseam. They claim it shows off men’s legs and makes them appear taller; it also makes it easier to tell who has a penis longer than 5 inches.

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Kim Kardashian joined husband Kanye West in Wyoming amid speculation about the future of their marriage. Kardashian was photographed crying next to West in the car as they left Wendy’s, presumably after looking up the calorie count of what she just ate.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Michael Kopech filed for divorce from his pregnant wife, ‘Riverdale’ actress Vanessa Morgan, after seeing a sonogram that appeared to have Jughead’s crown on it.

A Houston doctor who claims hydroxychloroquine is the cure for COVID-19 is daring Dr. Anthony Fauci to give a urine sample to prove he’s not taking it. She’s seeking the pants he urinated in right after he threw out that first pitch at the Nationals season opener.

Donald Trump, Jr had his Twitter account restricted after posting videos of the Houston doctor’s false claims of a COVID-19 cure. So, his assistant that knows how to work a smartphone is temporarily out of a job.

The GOP unveiled their latest $1 trillion coronavirus relief bill, reducing weekly unemployment payments from $600 to $200. “NOW what are we gonna do?” asked Jaguar dealers.

A Lynchburg, Virginia Chick-fil-A is offering a free entree and a $10 bill to anyone who exchanges a $10 roll of coins. Lynchburg, Virginia’s best & brightest immediately went to work creating a paper roll that holds a thousand pennies.

A woman died after an apparent shark attack while swimming in Maine. The shark doesn’t expect people to understand, but sometimes you just get sick of lobster.

Teens in Memphis rioted at a Putt-Putt golf course after being denied refunds after getting kicked out for their rowdy behavior. It got so bad, they’re still trying to remove the windmill from the clown’s mouth.

With kids everywhere bored over theme & water park closures during COVID-19 lockdowns, Wham-O classic backyard Slip ‘N Slide sales are up 160%. Also up 160% – emergency room visits for deep bone bruises.

The NFL will allow players to put the names of black crime victims on the back of their helmets. They won’t allow players to put their own names on the helmets, for fear they’ll look at it and cheat on their in-game concussion exams.

 

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Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

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The Justice Department seized and shut down Backpage.com, charging founders and employees with a range of crimes related to facilitating sex trafficking through the site. Meanwhile, several clueless men who used the defunct classifieds site are left hanging wondering if they’ll ever be able to sell those used golf clubs.

Police departments had successfully been using Backpage as part of sting operations to catch men hiring prostitutes.  A coalition of local police chiefs said that with Backpage gone, they’ll have to try their luck catching ‘johns’ using Angie’s List.

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Philadelphia for carrying a loaded AR-15 assault rifle. Charges have not yet been announced, although he received a grade of Incomplete for Show & Tell.

A 28-year-old Russian woman died when hospital workers in Ulyanovsk injected her with formaldehyde instead of saline solution after a routine procedure. Also, her Russian HMO refused to pay for it.

It was revealed that the most-visited Black Lives Matter page on Facebook is a fake. “Now I don’t know what to think!” said white people.

A 46-year-old female school nurse in Iowa was placed on administrative leave after having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old male student. She faces charges of impersonating a math teacher.

The first accuser other than Andrea Constand testified at Bill Cosby’s retrial for sexual assault, while over a dozen others placed their hands on each other’s hips and formed a conga line on their way to the witness stand.

Mark Zuckerberg appeared before a Congressional committee of 44 lawmakers to answer questions about Facebook’s role in Russian election tampering, and failure to protect its users’ data. “You’re 43rd in line for tech support” said the message received by a junior senator at the start of the hearing.

Zuckerberg testified for over three hours, followed by a VIP Meet & Greet with all the GOP Senators, funded by their Super PACs.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified Masazo Nonaka of Ashoro, Japan as the World’s Oldest Living Man, at 112 years, 259 days – a record previously held by some dead guy.