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A South Carolina woman was charged with murder after poisoning her late husband with eye drops – which he totally did not see coming.

A truck carrying Axe body spray crashed in Texas, sending the product all over an area highway. This was bad news for cleanup crews, and good news for the shy raccoon with no game who finally got the ladies’ attention with his new scent.

Nike chose embattled former NFL qb Colin Kaepernick to be the face of its new ‘Just Do It’ campaign, leading to protests from those who oppose his national anthem protests. Some posted videos burning Nike shoes and apparel – several kids were injured trying to snatch the burning shoes rather than wearing the ones their Moms got them at Payless.

An Emirates Airline jet from Dubai to New York was quarantined post-landing Wednesday after 10 passengers aboard reported feeling ill. Some say that passengers picked up at a stop in Mecca brought the flu on board – others blamed the Baba Ghannouj breakfast sandwiches that Emirates borrowed from Spirit Airlines.

In Iowa, a 50-year-old man accidentally shot his 55-year-old brother on the first day of squirrel hunting season. The victim was treated for non-life-threatening injuries, and said it was partially his fault for trying to get sunflower seeds out of a bird feeder.

NASA is reportedly considering raising money for future missions by selling the naming rights for launches to marketing partners. Branding experts are hesitant, saying nobody wants to be asking a friend in 15 years where they were when the Cap’n Crunch Shuttle exploded…

The National Hockey League is reportedly asking that Washington Capitals players – each of whom gets a day with the Stanley Cup – not do “keg stands”, or, inverted beer chugging, out of it. The NHL is worried about damage to the trophy, and less worried that players will slip and knock their teeth out.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop brand paid $145,000 in civil penalties in California for falsely claiming that Jade and Rose Quartz stone “vaginal eggs” would, when placed in the vagina, improve bladder control, boost orgasms and regulate hormones. Family-minded women buying them also said that the eggs were “impossible to fertilize”.

Kim Kardashian is making another trip to the White House, this time attempting to free 30-year-old Chris Young, a convicted drug dealer serving a life sentence. This will be Kardashian’s second meeting in the Oval Office, moving her two ahead of Melania.

Rumors surfaced that Melania Trump’s “kidney operation” earlier this year may have actually been another enlargement surgery for her breasts. The rumors were fueled by photos of the First Lady in a snug top, showing off her kidney-shaped bosom.

 

 

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President Trump called departed staffer Omarosa a “dog” on Twitter..while Omarosa remained busy fetching tapes of Trump using the n-word on the Apprentice.

At a hackers conference in Las Vegas, an 11-year-old successfully hacked a replica of the Florida Board of Elections database. Fox News subsequently projected SpongeBob SquarePants as the winner of the Governor’s race.

Ikea opened its first store in India – so far, customers are confounded by why the products’ names are spelled incorrectly.

Christine Halliquist is the first transgender gubernatorial nominee, after winning the Vermont Democratic primary. Halliquist, a former utilities executive, is running on a platform to provide high-speed Internet to every home in Vermont. She is endorsed by Vermonters Who Want To Watch Porn In The Mountains.

Tom and Gail Wise, owners of the first Ford Mustang ever sold, a 1964 convertible, brought the car to ceremonies in Dearborn, Michigan where Ford commemorated the 10 Millionth Mustang produced.  The couple, who were 22 years old when they bought it, spent a lot of time cleaning the back seat.

The Environmental Working Group found that some oat cereals and oatmeal contained elevated levels of glyphosate – the toxic herbicide known as Roundup. “Look, you don’t want cereal with weeds in it, do you?” said a defensive Cap’n Crunch.

A little girl who secretly ordered $350 worth of toys on her mom’s Amazon Prime account donated the toys to a local children’s hospital. She also donated her mom’s Amazon Prime password so the kids there rolled up another $3,000 getting different, better toys.

Melissa Howard, Republican candidate for Florida state House who lied about graduating from college, has dropped out of the race. She’ll endorse her opponent, who dropped out of school in 7th grade, but didn’t lie about it.

HGTV has started preproduction on its Brady Bunch House renovation show. Said a network spokesperson of the iconic property “it’s time to change..we have to rearrange..what it is into what it’s gonna be..”

Brandon Johnson, the dealer who allegedly supplied Demi Lovato with drugs, was reportedly arrested in a huge bust in March, one month before meeting up with Lovato, who has more of a medium bust.