By |

Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

By |

Police released details surrounding actress Heather Locklear’s arrest. At one point Locklear threatened to shoot the officers at her home, so they conducted a search for guns. None were found, but the cops did find the script for a T.J. Hooker reboot, which was seized and burned.

Retail toy giant Toys R Us may be closing all of its stores for good, that is unless the CEO’s huge tantrum in bankruptcy court ends with him getting his way.

Scientists showed off a robot that can solve a Rubik’s Cube in as little as 38 one-hundredths of a second. The robot has won its inventors lots of free drinks, but still can’t get them laid.

President Donald Trump is tentatively scheduled to meet with North Korea’s Kim Jung Un. Staffers are worried that if Trump wanted a military parade after visiting France, he’ll return from talking with Un and want to execute several U.S. Cabinet members.

Oprah Winfrey dumped a quarter of the shares she owned in Weight Watchers, but will probably gain them all back and then some.

Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen said that he paid $130,000 to porn actress Stormy Daniels out of his own personal home equity line of credit, which seemed like a lot to spend for a backdoor.

A bikini-clad woman rode a white stallion into Miami nightclub Mokai, causing city officials to shut the club down. The horse was found safe, but entered rehab for his pound-a-day cocaine habit.

The Church of Scientology debuted its own cable channel. Executives of the new Scientology Network invite viewers to watch with their family; and if your family doesn’t want to watch with you, leave them.

At South by Southwest, audio manufacturer Bose introduced augmented reality glasses that give wearers an audio summary of exactly what you’re staring at, quietly enough so that your wife or girlfriend can’t hear it.

Customers at The Mill pub in Salisbury, England are being told to wash their clothes and belongings, after exiled Russian spy Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia were poisoned with a toxic nerve agent sometime around their visit there. Customers are also being told to avoid the shepherd’s pie. Not on account of the nerve agent, just because.