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Planet Fitness is offering free memberships to teens this summer. Teens are welcome to get in shape, or to bully overweight paying members while they eat free pizza.

Google is adding its Bard artificial intelligence tool to search results, to address “questions you never thought Search could answer”. So far, Bard has been bom-bard-ed with “Why is my wife mad at me?”

A couple in the UK is raising their kids with ‘child autonomy’ – where the children make their own choices for schooling, food, bed times & chores. They say it’s cheaper because none of the kids has made it past age six.

Joran van der Sloot, convicted of murder in Peru, will be extradited to the U.S. to face charges in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway in 2005. He will return to Peru after his U.S. trial, breaking a record for airline miles earned by a double-murderer.

Gen Z women are embracing the ‘everything shower’, where they take hours-long showers to do all of their personal grooming. Then they lie flat for several hours waiting for their skin to unpucker before hiding when their parents get the water bill.

Amazon is debuting free Fire TV channels – to the delight of cheapskate seniors, which quickly switches to frustration when they realize they need a wifi password to watch old Andy Griffith Shows.

The Philadelphia Flyers named former enforcer Keith Jones as Director of Hockey Operations. Jones promised to return the team to playoff caliber, and to personally beat up anyone who disagrees with him.

An Australian vegan family has gone viral for their letter to a neighbor, where they ask to keep the windows closed when they cook meat because it makes them ill. The family then drove past an Arby’s and are in critical condition after multiple seizures.

A new study claims cannabis use is implicated in 30% of schizophrenia cases. The other 70% are trying to find out where the 30% get their weed.

Bravo host Andy Cohen asked The View co-host Sunny Hostin which of the panelists farts the most on-air. Hostin quickly replied Whoopi Goldberg, but also added Goldberg is nowhere near Rosie O’ Donnell’s record totals.

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Donald Trump still hasn’t been arrested, as cops continue to look for a pair of handcuffs tiny enough.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine was hospitalized after being beat up by several men while in the sauna of a Florida gym. An arrest warrant was issued for three sweaty gang members clad in towels with healthy, wide-open pores.

Cobresol Argentina goalkeeper Leandro Requena scored a goal on a 101-meter kick, the longest goal ever recorded in international competition. The opposing goalkeeper admitted he’d fallen asleep watching soccer.

Americans will soon be able to buy Good Meat – chicken meat grown in a lab. Asked if customers will eat chicken made in a lab, Good Meat’s CEO pointed out that the U.S. already consumes billions of McNuggets.

Two escaped inmates from a Newport News, Virginia prison were apprehended at a nearby IHOP a short time later. Their server notified police after the two ordered the Rooty Tooty Fugitive Fresh & Fruity pancakes.

Hyejeong Shin, a 29-year-old woman who enrolled at a New Jersey high school with a fake birth certificate before being discovered, told a judge she was lonely and missed having friendships. She’s currently awaiting sentencing and deciding between three promposals.

A new study claims the combined weight of the world’s wild mammals is just 10% of humans. Researchers believe animal populations need to grow by climate action, and animals need to grow with greater jungle access to Arby’s,

Nevada’s Chicken Ranch brothel welcomed new Las Vegas Raiders quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo by offering him “free sex for life”. The Raiders, who recently traded All-Pro Darren Waller, happen to need tight ends for Garoppolo.

A 53-year-old man who cracked his own neck to avoid chiropractor bills claims doing so caused him to go blind. He’s concerned he’ll no longer be able to continue his job as a chiropractor.

The Writers Guild of America has proposed allowing artificial intelligence programs like ChatGPT to write scripts for movies and tv. Saying a computer program can’t possibly write jokes worse than the ones on ‘Lopez vs Lopez’.

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Freeze dried mouse sperm stored for six years on the International Space Station was used to produce a healthy brood of 168 mouse pups. But the real story is how astronaut mice masturbated in a freezer on the International Space Station.

McDonald’s customers in South Korea & Taiwan had their personal data exposed, in a data breach the company is calling Big Hac.

A Cape Cod lobster diver survived being stuck in a humpback whale’s mouth for 20 seconds. He was spit out, but then returned with the lemons and melted butter the whale asked for.

An Arby’s employee was fired after writing a homophobic slur on couple’s receipt. The employee plans to appeal, saying he was just trying to say that Arby’s sandwiches are stuffed with beef.

A Pennsylvania woman was charged with DUI with seven children in her car. She told cops she’d been drinking, mostly because of the seven children in her car.

June 12th is Loving Day, commemorating the U.S.’ legalization of interracial marriage, and paving the way for the interracial couples we now see in dozens of breakfast cereal and laundry detergent ads.

A Boston commuter rail train will transform into the ‘Vax Express’, offering on-board COVID vaccines in underserved areas. Riders are asked to pay attention so they don’t confuse the ‘Vax Express’ with the ‘Heroin Local’.

Wasabi the Pekingese was named Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. Bourbon the Whippet was named runner-up, and will fulfill Best In Show duties if Wasabi cannot recover from all the blow he snorted to celebrate his big win.

An Italian woman awoke from a 10-month coma to discover she’d given birth. Her husband then told her it’s his turn for a 10-month coma.

Google announced its Workplace suite of chat, shared documents and spreadsheets are now free and available to for all 3 billion people with a Google account to ask “how does this work again?”

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Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.

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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Fox News’ Sean Hannity is divorcing his wife of 20 years. She’ll join the cast of new morning show Fox and No Longer Friends.

Mötley Crüe postponed their headlining stadium tour until 2021. That announcement was followed by news that someone ordered 100 pizzas delivered to Vince Neil’s basement gym.

A mom’s viral video shows her three children interrupting her work-from-home conference call a total of 27 times. She was able to get the kids to nap for the call where she got fired.

A prep school in Florida awarded diplomas to graduates as they rode on jet skis. It was the first-of-its-kind in that way, and also because it was the first graduation where the Coast Guard issued multiple personal watercraft DUIs.

After initially denying it, Donald Trump admitted going to a White House bunker during weekend protests. Trump said it was for a brief bunker inspection – an inspection of his pants that confirmed how scared he was.

Sports business writer Darren Rovell said the loss of a 2020 Major League Baseball season would be worse than 1994, when a strike set baseball back five years – the length of one baseball season.

The New York Mets opened their spring training facility for the first time in 2020, and somehow managed to lose.

A Reddit user posted that he mistakenly ate undercooked, ‘almost raw’ chicken in a sandwich purchased at a restaurant “that rhymes with shmarbys”. The restaurant denied that the undercooked food was actually chicken.

A fossilized dinosaur’s stomach revealed the 110-million-year-old creature’s last meal. Scientists now have a new mystery – discovering where the dinosaur got a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.

New research suggests a coronavirus vaccine may require two shots – one in the arm, and one down the hatch for the courage to get it.

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One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.