The new BORG [Blackout Rage Gallon] drinking craze sent 46 UMass Amherst students to the hospital during a pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, where they were treated as VIPs [Vomit Inducing Pumped Stomachs].

Longtime New York Times film critic A.O. Scott is retiring – saying he doesn’t see the point crticizing film since no one will ever top Cocaine Bear.

Los Angeles schools are shut down during a 3-day strike by bus drivers and maintenance workers. The strike coincides with a 3-day Career Fair co-sponsored by Bloods, Crips & Latin Kings.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told a crowd he didn’t know anything about “paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair..”. But added that he’s willing to learn.

Google is granting access to Bard, its competitor to artificial intelligence ChatGPT. Google users can sign up for a waitlist, or pay to jump to the head of the line if they have a term paper due.

Mikayla Silavia, a Florida OnlyFans model whose claim-to-fame is her long tongue, sued ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hunter for seizing her social media accounts and sharing explicit content in violation of ‘revenge porn’ laws. Hunter plans to defend the suit, saying he’s not licked yet.

At the Houston Zoo, a 90-year-old male tortoise fathered three new hatchlings with his female partner of 27 years. Zookeepers credit the male’s persistence in asking for 26 years.

Disney CEO Bob Iger reportedly asked execs to compile a list of 4,000 workers to be terminated in April. Disney fans are urged to visit the parks within two weeks if they want a picture with Huey, Dewey or Louie.

A Connecticut man rented a billboard in Times Square to post a photo with his girlfriend along with a marriage proposal to her. She, in turn, rented a billboard the following day to say “no”.

A 29-year-old woman broke a world record by grinding a rail on her skateboard as she exited a plane 9,000 feet in the air over California. She landed safely via parachute and retrieved the skateboard that struck and killed an old lady.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers returned from his self-described four-day “darkness retreat” as rumors swirl around a trade. This is different from his recent 31-day darkness retreat – living in a Green Bay apartment all of January.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled over 2 million Cosori air fryers because they can overheat and catch fire. Owners are advsed to return the units, or keep them if you like your chicken wings well-done.

Jesse Armstrong, creator of HBO hit series ‘Succession‘, announced Season 4 will be its last. Several assistant producers are currently battling to see who will run the sequel.

Cocaine Bear – a fictionalized account of a bear that ingests cocaine dumped by smugglers – premieres in theaters today. Also premiering is ‘Cocaine Bare’ – Donald Trump Jr doing a new YouTube video in the nude.

For the first time in 15 years, the American Academy of Pediatrics released guidelines for dealing with childhood obesity. Shockingly, replacing french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals isn’t cutting it.

A regulatory group ruled Miller Coors ads can’t say rival light beers “taste like water” because there’s no proof of the claim. In the same opinion, they ruled companies are allowed to make a provable claim that all U.S. light beers “taste like piss”.

Expecting mom Rihanna will perform her nominated song ‘Lift Me Up’ at the 2023 Oscars. It’s expected to be even lower-energy than her Super Bowl halftime show, so she’ll also say “Lift Me Up” from her chair after she’s finished singing it.

A U.K. fire chief banned the term “fireman” because it’s sexist. He then appeared at a 5th grade Career Day, where he heard from kids who want to be combustion extinguishers when they grow up.

A Mar a Lago visitor claims Donald Trump is “DJ-ing” at the club every Thursday night, playing songs from his iPad. Members are happy to see him, but say it’s not easy dancing to Camptown Races and God Bless The USA.

In a viral TikTok video, a woman who claims to have a “low waste” home says she makes “reusable toilet paper” out of old pajamas. Of the ten friends her daughter invited to a sleepover, she’s received ten “No”s.