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The new BORG [Blackout Rage Gallon] drinking craze sent 46 UMass Amherst students to the hospital during a pre-St. Patrick’s Day party, where they were treated as VIPs [Vomit Inducing Pumped Stomachs].

Longtime New York Times film critic A.O. Scott is retiring – saying he doesn’t see the point crticizing film since no one will ever top Cocaine Bear.

Los Angeles schools are shut down during a 3-day strike by bus drivers and maintenance workers. The strike coincides with a 3-day Career Fair co-sponsored by Bloods, Crips & Latin Kings.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis told a crowd he didn’t know anything about “paying hush money to a porn star to secure silence over some type of alleged affair..”. But added that he’s willing to learn.

Google is granting access to Bard, its competitor to artificial intelligence ChatGPT. Google users can sign up for a waitlist, or pay to jump to the head of the line if they have a term paper due.

Mikayla Silavia, a Florida OnlyFans model whose claim-to-fame is her long tongue, sued ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hunter for seizing her social media accounts and sharing explicit content in violation of ‘revenge porn’ laws. Hunter plans to defend the suit, saying he’s not licked yet.

At the Houston Zoo, a 90-year-old male tortoise fathered three new hatchlings with his female partner of 27 years. Zookeepers credit the male’s persistence in asking for 26 years.

Disney CEO Bob Iger reportedly asked execs to compile a list of 4,000 workers to be terminated in April. Disney fans are urged to visit the parks within two weeks if they want a picture with Huey, Dewey or Louie.

A Connecticut man rented a billboard in Times Square to post a photo with his girlfriend along with a marriage proposal to her. She, in turn, rented a billboard the following day to say “no”.

A 29-year-old woman broke a world record by grinding a rail on her skateboard as she exited a plane 9,000 feet in the air over California. She landed safely via parachute and retrieved the skateboard that struck and killed an old lady.

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Hilaria Baldwin said she’s dealing with “mama guilt” after she and husband Alec welcomed a 7th child together, concerned about spending enough time with each of them. Alec is dealing with “papa guilt” – a potential involuntary manslaughter conviction.

Megan Thee Stallion created a website that lists mental health resources for her fans. Although she points out it’s not for people crazy about big tits and asses.

Hurricane Ian struck Cuba and is making its way toward the Gulf Coast. The bad news is potential destruction; the good news is the fast currents will deliver rafts of illegal immigrants to Florida shores several hours early.

Black actress KiKi Layne said she and fellow person-of-color actor Ari’el Stachel had significant roles in the new film Don’t Worry Darling, but much of their work was cut. Director Olivia Wilde said she saved the footage for a possible sequel, Don’t Worry Shawty.

The cousin of one of Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims is angry at the Netflix dramatization of Dahmer’s killings, saying it’s dredged up painful memories, or ‘cannibal reflux’.

Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney signed an executive order banning guns in Philly recreation spaces. Players will have to figure out a new way to punish the losing team in pickup basketball games.

800 competitors entered Florida’s Python Hunt – a months-long effort to rid the Everglades of invasive Burmese pythons. No word on how it’s going, other than the competitors list is down to 792 since the pythons won some battles.

Dr. Umberto Tozzi, a cosmetic surgeon specializing in vaginal reconstruction, or labiaplasty, explained to NeedToKnow Online why he’s performed over 300 of the surgeries – his 50% off coupons.

Families of children are warring with Pickleball players who set up DIY courts in New York City playgrounds, interfering with their kids space and playtime. Pickleballers are fighting back to regain their turf by joining the PickleCrips.

Newly-activated Russian soldiers from Vladimir Putin’s draft are immediately surrendering to their Ukrainian counterparts after deployment. It’s so bad, Emmanuel Macron issued a statement denying that France is training the Russian army.

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Police are searching for an Oklahoma man who defecated in a grocery store freezer, where a woman put her hands in it while reaching for Totino’s Pizza Rolls. She still eats pizza rolls, but has sworn off Fudgsicles for life.

COVID-19 is now the number one cause of death among U.S. law enforcement officers. In a rare act of unity, the Bloods, Crips, MS-13 and Latin Kings have all made COVID-19 an honorary member.

Rapper Saweetie teamed up with Hidden Valley Ranch to endorse a limited edition of Crocs footwear, whose green-flecked beige color mimics the look of the salad dressing, while the rubber of the shoes mimics the taste of vegetables dipped in it.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index survey, McDonald’s is the “least-trusted” U.S. fast-food chain. Conversely, Arby’s is the chain most-trusted to make respondents feel ill.

The Justice Department is reviewing its policies on housing transgender inmates in federal prisons, including guidelines for honeymoon nights when transgender prisoners get married.

Copenhagen was named ‘World’s Safest City’ by The Economist. Through 15 pages of single-spaced listings, still no sign of Chicago.

Habitual users of cannabis, especially teens, are reportedly experiencing severe abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. Emergency room doctors in legal-marijuana states blame the new Hidden Valley Ranch line of THC edibles.

Antoine Dodson – star of the viral 2010 “Hide yo wife, hide yo kids” video – started a GoFundMe to pay funeral expenses for his mother. “Find yo credit cards, find yo Paypal” he says in a new video.

Actor Jason London, star of 1993’s ‘Dazed and Confused’ was arrested for DUI after police found him behind the wheel of a car that crashed, was stuck in a ditch and on fire. Cops described the vehicle as “a lot like London’s career”.

Bam Margera’s wife has not yet filed for divorce, but is seeking sole custody of their 3-year-old son. She said she’d like Bam to have visitation rights, but supervised, and only after he’s removed the beehive from his head.

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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

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Instagram made the first change to its home page in 10 years, making it easier on most users by simply adding a tab for Breasts.

Ring video doorbells were recalled for being a fire hazard. Dozens of Jehovah’s Witnesses were treated at emergency rooms for severely burned fingers.

Google Photos announced an end to unlimited free photo storage in 2021 – but they’re keeping an open mind for some nudes.

The Masters started Thursday in Augusta, Georgia. “Maybe I should go check on that Georgia recount” said Donald Trump.

Workers took several hours removing a nest of over 200 ‘murder hornet’ queens. The queens were removed, along with their dresses, heels, wigs and makeup.

The hearing-impaired community is voicing opposition to Joe Biden’s suggested sign-language name because of its similarity to the Crips gang sign. “I say keep it” said Biden, before puffing and passing a blunt to Vice President-elect Harris.

Facebook’s metric for ‘Violence & Incitement Trends’ is up 45%, due to the proliferation of pro-Trump and QAnon hashtags like #DraintheSwamp, #Trump2020, #WatchtheWater, and #McDelivery.

A Delaware woman was arrested for smashing an egg salad sandwich in the face of a 72-year-old female acquaintance. She faces charges of assault with a smelly disgusting weapon.

Amazon said its Alexa voice assistant will soon answer questions its users haven’t even asked yet — such as “who brought this ***king thing into the house?”

Following viral videos of the console supposedly billowing smoke, Microsoft warned users of the new Xbox Series X “not to blow vape smoke into your Xbox”. Apparently cannabis vapor makes it really hard for Halo’s Master Chief to shoot while wasted.

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A Utah librarian was found guilty of spending $90k in public funds playing ‘Game of War’ on his smartphone. Quietly.

Off of Cape Cod, Massachusetts near Truro a 61-year-old man was bitten by a shark. Lifeguards first suspected an electric eel attack when the man yelled “Shock! Schock!”

President Trump rescinded the security clearance of former CIA Director John Brennan, saying that Brennan had been guilty of “erratic conduct” and “frenzied commentary”. The pot will now decide what other black kettles will lose their clearance.

According to a profile of several sperm cryobanks in The Guardian, the United States leads the world in exports of sperm, thanks in large part to record-low U.S. unemployment in the sperm-production industry. [h/t to Jeff O]

The Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, died at age 76. Funeral arrangements are pending for family, friends & fans to pay their C-O-N-D-O-L-E-N-C-E-S .

Melania Trump plans to address a cyberbullying seminar in Maryland next week. The President asked if he could also attend, but the First Lady told him it’s an anti-cyberbullying seminar.

A Georgia police chief said that an officer in his department was justified in using a taser on an 87-year-old woman. The woman was carrying a knife outside of a Boys & Girls Club cutting dandelions. Police responded and say that she refused to drop the knife, and that she was also wearing Crips colors.

Bristol Palin is being criticized for posting a photo of her 9-year-old son, Tripp and his father, Palin’s ex, Levi Johnston, posing with a hunting rifle and a dead caribou. Palin explained that hunting is legal, and that the caribou shot itself rather than being photographed alive with one of the Palins.

The American Journal of Psychiatry published a study linking pesticides in vegetables to autism. “I rest my case” said a 7-year-old steadfastly refusing to eat his broccoli.

Baseball slugger Babe Ruth died on this day, August 16, 1948, 70 years ago. TIME magazine republished his obituary, which discussed his hitting greatness, but somehow left out the legend that he was able to fart at will.