By |

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers returned from his self-described four-day “darkness retreat” as rumors swirl around a trade. This is different from his recent 31-day darkness retreat – living in a Green Bay apartment all of January.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled over 2 million Cosori air fryers because they can overheat and catch fire. Owners are advsed to return the units, or keep them if you like your chicken wings well-done.

Jesse Armstrong, creator of HBO hit series ‘Succession‘, announced Season 4 will be its last. Several assistant producers are currently battling to see who will run the sequel.

Cocaine Bear – a fictionalized account of a bear that ingests cocaine dumped by smugglers – premieres in theaters today. Also premiering is ‘Cocaine Bare’ – Donald Trump Jr doing a new YouTube video in the nude.

For the first time in 15 years, the American Academy of Pediatrics released guidelines for dealing with childhood obesity. Shockingly, replacing french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals isn’t cutting it.

A regulatory group ruled Miller Coors ads can’t say rival light beers “taste like water” because there’s no proof of the claim. In the same opinion, they ruled companies are allowed to make a provable claim that all U.S. light beers “taste like piss”.

Expecting mom Rihanna will perform her nominated song ‘Lift Me Up’ at the 2023 Oscars. It’s expected to be even lower-energy than her Super Bowl halftime show, so she’ll also say “Lift Me Up” from her chair after she’s finished singing it.

A U.K. fire chief banned the term “fireman” because it’s sexist. He then appeared at a 5th grade Career Day, where he heard from kids who want to be combustion extinguishers when they grow up.

A Mar a Lago visitor claims Donald Trump is “DJ-ing” at the club every Thursday night, playing songs from his iPad. Members are happy to see him, but say it’s not easy dancing to Camptown Races and God Bless The USA.

In a viral TikTok video, a woman who claims to have a “low waste” home says she makes “reusable toilet paper” out of old pajamas. Of the ten friends her daughter invited to a sleepover, she’s received ten “No”s.

By |

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

By |

Police rescued an elderly woman who’d been held captive by an intruder; her daughter thought she was in trouble because she hadn’t shared her Wordle results for the day. Other home invaders are now asking victims to finish & share their puzzles..

A FedEx truck was carjacked in Philadelphia. Cops are hoping to find the suspect based on his tracking number.

Developers plan to create the largest restaurant in Philadelphia on the city’s riverfront. Liberty Point will take up 28,000 square feet, serve 1,400 diners, and getting your food will take around two days.

Watchers of the Beijing Winter Olympics are comparing the location of the alpine ski jump – next to an unused steel mill – to a ‘graveyard’. The gold medalist successfully jumped over 100 meters, as measured by the bodies of dead Chinese democracy protesters lining the landing area.

Snoop Dogg was sued for alleged sexual assault. He’ll still perform in the Super Bowl halftime show because the NFL said if sex criminals can play in the games, they might as well rap at halftime too.

The NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers traded disgruntled guard Ben Simmons to the Brooklyn Nets for their star guard James Harden. 76ers fans can’t wait for Harden to arrive, then blame him for another playoff failure in a couple of months.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers won his 4th NFL MVP Award but is getting the silent treatment from Joe Rogan, who he failed to thank in his acceptance speech.

Harvard and Emory University scientists created biohybrid fish in a lab using human cardiac cells. The fish swims by muscle contractions like a human heartbeat, but sadly it died of a heart attack, because they used cardiac cells from a fat guy in Mississippi.

New NASA photos reveal the dark side of Venus – you have to be over 18 to see them.

Researchers discovered the first evidence of respiratory illness in a 150 million-year-old dinosaur – the world’s largest rescue inhaler.

By |

A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

By |

Washington D.C. police investigated a possible explosive device in a pickup truck near the Library of Congress. Police were called after librarians repeatedly tried and failed to shush the truck.

More than 50 U.S. Senators called on President Biden to expedite the exit of U.S. citizens and allies from Afghanistan. Asked if they’d like to go there and help, they replied, “nah, we’re good”.

California’s Caldor wildfire became the largest U.S. wildfire named after a defunct discount department store.

Alex Rodriguez posed with the Porsche he gifted to ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez on her 50th birthday. Rodriguez reportedly removed the ‘J-Lo’ license plates and seat covers, and Ben Affleck’s condoms from the glove box.

Facebook introduced Horizon Workrooms, a virtual reality meeting app using Oculus Quest VR headsets, where coworkers can create avatars, use virtual whiteboards, and safely picture each other naked.

MS Paint received its first update in over a decade, as Microsoft attempts to appeal to a new generation of users seeking to draw penises and breasts on internet photos.

A JetBlue passenger was fined $45,000 for throwing his carry on at passengers, lying in the aisle, and putting his head up the skirt of a flight attendant – who he’s now dating.

Retired NFL QB Brett Favre is telling parents to hold their kids out of full-contact tackle football until they’re 14, to avoid brain damage while they’re still developing. Favre wants to ensure kid’s brains function well enough to remember which women they sent dick pics to.

The Green Bay Packers showed off a new alternate uniform, inspired by the look the team sported in the 1950s, and further inspired by the desire to make money.

Astronomers discovered a previously undetected feature of the Milky Way galaxy – a rest area featuring a Roy Rogers.

By |

Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.

By |

New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.

By |

Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

By |

Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

By |

Self driving cars are now on the streets of Hamburg, Germany. More Hamburg’ers are getting dropped and run over than at a McDonald’s drive-thru.

Apple is dropping the price of iPhones in China. Apple’s Chinese factory workers are worried that decreased profit sharing contributions will create higher out-of-pocket costs for juice boxes.

Lori Loughlin fans gathered at a Boston courthouse as she faced felony charges in a college admissions scam. Boston cable tv service was down due to overload caused by the fans all setting their DVRs to record Hallmark Channel while they were out.

28,000 chickens died in a massive fire in rural Berks County, Pennsylvania. Residents nearby wondered why, with that many chickens burning, there weren’t firemen already there.

Former Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy said in an interview his firing by the team was handled poorly – a stark contrast to the majority of people who get fired and think their former employer did a stellar job at it.

Tyson Foods recalled 10 tons of beef patties for possible plastic contamination. Some of the beef had been shipped to school cafeterias, where it had been certified by lunch ladies as “fine with me”.

President Trump claimed in a speech that wind farms cause cancer, citing his own personal experience of wind making his hair fall out.

Ellen Degeneres, responding to Brunei approving stoning executions of homosexuals and adulterers, called for a boycott of hotels owned by Brunei. These include The Beverly Hills Hotel & Hotel Bel-Air in Los Angeles, and an airport Best Western in Newark where the sultans send wives they got tired of.

A new survey in The Lancet states that 20% of global death is linked to poor diet. The Lancet concluded that if Thanos couldn’t obtain all of the Infinity Stones, his backup plan was McDonald’s gift cards.

New research from Sophia University in Tokyo concludes that some house cats are capable of recognizing their own names. They say the cats most likely to respond are those with the given name CanOfCatFoodOpening.