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President Trump called departed staffer Omarosa a “dog” on Twitter..while Omarosa remained busy fetching tapes of Trump using the n-word on the Apprentice.

At a hackers conference in Las Vegas, an 11-year-old successfully hacked a replica of the Florida Board of Elections database. Fox News subsequently projected SpongeBob SquarePants as the winner of the Governor’s race.

Ikea opened its first store in India – so far, customers are confounded by why the products’ names are spelled incorrectly.

Christine Halliquist is the first transgender gubernatorial nominee, after winning the Vermont Democratic primary. Halliquist, a former utilities executive, is running on a platform to provide high-speed Internet to every home in Vermont. She is endorsed by Vermonters Who Want To Watch Porn In The Mountains.

Tom and Gail Wise, owners of the first Ford Mustang ever sold, a 1964 convertible, brought the car to ceremonies in Dearborn, Michigan where Ford commemorated the 10 Millionth Mustang produced.  The couple, who were 22 years old when they bought it, spent a lot of time cleaning the back seat.

The Environmental Working Group found that some oat cereals and oatmeal contained elevated levels of glyphosate – the toxic herbicide known as Roundup. “Look, you don’t want cereal with weeds in it, do you?” said a defensive Cap’n Crunch.

A little girl who secretly ordered $350 worth of toys on her mom’s Amazon Prime account donated the toys to a local children’s hospital. She also donated her mom’s Amazon Prime password so the kids there rolled up another $3,000 getting different, better toys.

Melissa Howard, Republican candidate for Florida state House who lied about graduating from college, has dropped out of the race. She’ll endorse her opponent, who dropped out of school in 7th grade, but didn’t lie about it.

HGTV has started preproduction on its Brady Bunch House renovation show. Said a network spokesperson of the iconic property “it’s time to change..we have to rearrange..what it is into what it’s gonna be..”

Brandon Johnson, the dealer who allegedly supplied Demi Lovato with drugs, was reportedly arrested in a huge bust in March, one month before meeting up with Lovato, who has more of a medium bust.

 

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Sears is bringing back their Wish Book holiday catalog for 2017. The book starts with Sears wish that they not go out of business by Christmas.

Thor: Ragnarok opens this weekend. The film introduces Valkyrie, the Marvel Cinematic Universe’s first bisexual character. It also introduces Thor’s lesser-known half-brother who exposes himself to the women of Asgard – Looki.

Nintendo is set to release Super Mario Odyssey for Nintendo Switch on Friday, the latest installment in the Mario series of games. Mario’s experience has been updated as, for the first time, he runs & jumps among humans in a city environment, as he attempts to defeat Bowser before being captured and deported by ICE agents.

President Trump is finally poised to declare the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, following the unexpected overdose of his favorite caddy.

An Environmental Working Group study of grocery store fruits found strawberries have the highest levels of pesticide residue. The findings were published alongside EWG’s recipe for Thiabendazole Shortcake.

  • EWG also found that the best way to remove pesticide from apples was to wash them with a baking soda solution for 12 minutes, or, about enough time for the pizza to arrive.

Twitter revealed that it’s been overstating quarterly active user numbers by 1 to 2 million over the past nine months. President Trump promised to call his friend, Vladimir, to help Twitter pick up the slack.

Chinese Citizens are reacting negatively to McDonald’s decision to change its corporate name in China from Maidanglao –which roughly translates to McDonald’s, to Jingongmen
– which means ‘golden arches’.  A McDonald’s spokesperson said they tried to register the Chinese name for Upset Stomach, but that it was already taken by KFC.

The U.S. Navy launched the USS South Dakota, billed as the most highly-advanced stealth submarine ever, then couldn’t find it.

Two women accused President George H.W. Bush of groping them, each saying that he asked them to guess his favorite magician, followed by his answering “David Cop-a-Feel” as he grabbed their buttocks. Separately, Bush is being sued for Intellectual Property theft by two 7th grade boys in 1990 who say he stole their joke.

The National Retail Federation said that 2017 will set a record for the most store closings in U.S. history. Accepting the award was a guy who used to assistant manage a Radio Shack.

 

 

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