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Microsoft will pay travel expenses for employees who want an abortion. Because of pregnant Microsoft employees traveling from Texas, it’s almost impossible to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood of Kauai.

Disgraced celebrity chef Mario Batali was found not guilty of sexual misconduct for groping a woman who asked for a picture with him. He was, however, found guilty on a lesser charge of a-salting his osso buco too much.

Elon Musk said he would reinstate Donald Trump’s Twitter account if he acquires the company. Truth Social CEO Devin Nunes asked him to reconsider.

Concerns over the health of Queen Elizabeth were heightened as Prince Charles gave the Queen’s annual speech to Parliament. Afterward, Charles said the hardest part was fitting in her dress and shoes.

Actor James Cromwell superglued his hand to a Starbucks counter to protest the company charging more for plant-based milk. Employees said he wasn’t exactly a big tipper with his free hand.

The county sheriff of Evansville, Indiana said he couldn’t believe that fugitive murderer Casey White and corrections officer Vicky White stayed for nearly a week in Evansville. His sentiment was echoed by everyone who lives in Evansville.

A new Pew Research study claims few Americans take an “absolutist view” on abortion, with one exception being 17-year-old boys whose condoms break on prom night.

A passenger with “no idea how to fly an airplane” safely landed a Cessna after the pilot became ill and air traffic controllers talked him through it. The passenger spent the next day interviewing for a job with Frontier Airlines.

Viral video shows two beachfront homes in North Carolina’s Outer Banks collapsing into the ocean. Updated Airbnb descriptions now list the two properties as houseboats.

A woman gave birth to a baby during a Metallica concert in Brazil. Meanwhile, six different women got pregnant during a Kid Rock concert in Tennessee.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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AMC Theatres will charge a higher ticket price to see popular films, starting with ‘The Batman’. They decided on this money-making approach after rejecting an idea to make people pay for ‘The Bathroom‘.

Exonerated Central Park 5 defendant Raymond Santana Jr is divorcing his wife of 20 months, Flavor Of Love contestant Chandra ‘Deelishis’ Davis, claiming what was once Deelishis is now Spoyyldd.

A Tennessee woman will serve a two-year sentence for passing a balloon filled with drugs to a male Pennsylvania inmate during an open-mouth kiss. Guards thought the balloon was her tongue, but then noticed Happy Birthday Leon printed on it.

The popularity of Pickleball is leading to angry confrontations with homeowners who live near parks, saying the sport makes too much noise. They cite the pop of the ball hitting the paddle, and the ambulances and screams after senior heart attacks.

Harvey Weinstein was caught with contraband Milk Duds in his prison cell. Surveillance video captured Weinstein exposing his genitals to the candy, asking if it wanted to be in a movie.

A new study claims resistance/weight training is better for sleep than cardio. Doctors suggest an easy way to weight train is to let your overweight partner get on top.

Microsoft will discontinue the sale of new products and services in Russia, but will continue its repair program for Siberia’s most popular portable music player, Zune.

Twitter is expanding Birdwatch, a user-generated fact-checking program, but promised the user experience will still be dominated by lousy jokes, cat pictures and partisan politics.

NASA invited Americans to submit their names for addition to a drive that will circle the Moon in an upcoming Artemis mission. However, NASA also said they’ll no longer accept submissions from Mike Hunt, Luke Likesheet, Barry McCockiner and others.

Actor Jason Momoa said his separation from Lisa Bonet is “hard enough” in the public eye – but that freedom to hook up with dozens of younger chicks in private is “not that hard”.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.

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North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Drinking a strong cup of coffee a half-hour before exercise has been found to increase fat-burning. Drinking the same coffee during exercise increases mouth-and-skin-burning.

Demi Lovato says in her new documentary that she used crack, which presumably began during filming of her Disney Channel movie ‘Camp Rock’.

Prince’s Paisley Park estate will commemorate the 5th anniversary of his death by allowing a small number of guests to come in and view his ashes, but they won’t be told how they were made purple.

Joe Biden’s dogs Major & Champ returned to the White House following their completion of discipline training – although every Republican Senator voted against their reappointment.

California’s Hope Of The Valley mission will use a $500,000 donation from Alex Trebek’s estate to help fund a new homeless shelter. Categories include “What’s That Smell”?; ‘Where’s My Stuff?’; “Who Are You?”; and “Potpurri”.

Jay Leno apologized for past jokes that offended Asian-Americans. Larry the Cable Guy apologized for jokes that offended the intelligence of everyone who heard them.

Model Chrissy Teigen deleted her Twitter account, which had grown to over 13 million followers. She posted “Live well, tweeters. Please know all I ever cared about was you.” To which her husband and two children replied “huh?”

Discount grocer Aldi is giving employees four hours of paid time off to get COVID-19 vaccines, but they have to bring their own syringe and needle.

Pepsi and candy maker Peeps are collaborating on new Peeps-flavored Pepsi drinks. They’re calling it ‘Pepsi x Peeps’, after rejecting alternate names such as ‘Peepsi’, ‘Liquid Type 2’, and ‘Gorilla Glue For Your Teeth’.

New Zealand will now require employers offer three days’ paid leave after miscarriages – which is both a compassionate step at a difficult time, and the latest foolproof way to fake your way to a long weekend.