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A motorist braking for a tarantula caused a traffic accident in California’s Death Valley National Park. The tarantula failed a field sobriety test and was led away in three pairs of handcuffs.

A janitor in New Jersey is charged with contaminating his elementary school’s food and utensils with saliva, feces & urine. The charges follow an investigation by school officials, and K-to-6th graders posting some brutal Yelp! reviews of the cafeteria.

Netflix is reportedly building a movie studio in Monmouth, New Jersey at a cost of $900 million – saying it’s cheaper than repeatedly flying Adam Sandler’s friends to Hawai’i and making terrible movies there.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was found guilty on all counts of financial fraud by 12 members of a jury who each couldn’t begin to tell you how cryptocurrency works.

Donald Trump Jr testified at his father’s financial fraud trial in New York, and told a courtroom sketch artist “make me look sexy”. The artist was relieved he didn’t tell them to make him look smart.

Australia’s most wanted man, drug trafficker and gang leader Hakan Ayik, was arrested in Turkey. Through attorneys, Ayik said he was not having a g’day.

Matthew Perry reportedly received $20 million annually in residual payments from Friends. Attorneys are currently evaluating how his estate will be settled amongst family, beneficiaries, and dating-app skanks.

The Beatles released ‘Now And Then’, a down-tempo John Lennon-penned song that you’ll listen to now, and then wish you never heard.

Three passengers on the Alaska Airlines/Horizon Air commuter jet where a co-pilot attempted to shut off the engines said they were suing for emotional distress. It was then determined that all three flew on Frontier and Spirit all the time, so they dropped their lawsuit.

Oprah released her annual “Favorite Things” list – a gift guide with stuff you can buy, and also free things like “farting after a big meal”.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.