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White House Communications Director Hope Hicks resigned. She asks for privacy during this time, while she and her boyfriend – former senior staff aide and spousal abuser Rob Porter – throw punches at each other.

Hicks plans are unknown, but in the immediate future, she’ll visit a neurosurgery clinic to have all memories of Stephen Miller wiped from her brain.

In a statement, Hicks said “There are no words to adequately express my gratitude to President Trump…but for now, I’ll just say keep sending the checks and I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

While Trump expressed disappointment at losing Hicks; the majority of American expressed continued sadness at losing Hope in late 2016.

A woman in England found a live rat in a sealed package of plums she bought at Aldi.  Aldi’s spokesperson explained that the rat shouldn’t have been found in produce, he’s usually assigned to the deli counter.

Walmart is raising the age limit to 21 for customers buying firearms and ammunition. This is expected to create new jobs for Walmart managers who can count to 21.

A Russian model held in a Thailand jail is asking for help from the U.S. to be released so that she can reveal dirt about Donald Trump and the Russians. Informed that Trump is President of the country she’s asking for help, she said “okay, let me talk to the Vice President, then..”

Lance Armstrong hosted former porn actress Mia Khalifa on his podcast. Khalifa said that she quit porn due to threats from ISIS, and opportunities afforded by the Trump Administration.

Worshipers at Sanctuary Church near Newfoundland, Pennsylvania had their AR-15 rifles blessed at a religious ceremony. Reverend Sean Moon of the Sanctuary Church, son of the late Sun Myung Moon, preaches that the AR-15 is the ‘Rod of Iron’ mentioned in the Bible. Men who showed up to have their penises blessed as the Rod of Iron were given rainchecks.

Los Angeles Lakers guard Lonzo Ball, second overall NBA draft pick, lost a basketball shooting contest to Bow Wow. Bow Wow posted video of the win to social media, then went back to a recording studio, which is what he calls the bathroom at the bus station.

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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.