The Justice Department seized and shut down Backpage.com, charging founders and employees with a range of crimes related to facilitating sex trafficking through the site. Meanwhile, several clueless men who used the defunct classifieds site are left hanging wondering if they’ll ever be able to sell those used golf clubs.

Police departments had successfully been using Backpage as part of sting operations to catch men hiring prostitutes.  A coalition of local police chiefs said that with Backpage gone, they’ll have to try their luck catching ‘johns’ using Angie’s List.

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Philadelphia for carrying a loaded AR-15 assault rifle. Charges have not yet been announced, although he received a grade of Incomplete for Show & Tell.

A 28-year-old Russian woman died when hospital workers in Ulyanovsk injected her with formaldehyde instead of saline solution after a routine procedure. Also, her Russian HMO refused to pay for it.

It was revealed that the most-visited Black Lives Matter page on Facebook is a fake. “Now I don’t know what to think!” said white people.

A 46-year-old female school nurse in Iowa was placed on administrative leave after having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old male student. She faces charges of impersonating a math teacher.

The first accuser other than Andrea Constand testified at Bill Cosby’s retrial for sexual assault, while over a dozen others placed their hands on each other’s hips and formed a conga line on their way to the witness stand.

Mark Zuckerberg appeared before a Congressional committee of 44 lawmakers to answer questions about Facebook’s role in Russian election tampering, and failure to protect its users’ data. “You’re 43rd in line for tech support” said the message received by a junior senator at the start of the hearing.

Zuckerberg testified for over three hours, followed by a VIP Meet & Greet with all the GOP Senators, funded by their Super PACs.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified Masazo Nonaka of Ashoro, Japan as the World’s Oldest Living Man, at 112 years, 259 days – a record previously held by some dead guy.