A Royersford, Pennsylvania Chick-fil-A restaurant will no longer allow children under 16 to dine inside without a parent or guardian after a series of “unacceptable behaviors”. They are, however, welcome to steal a car and use the drive-thru.

Elon Musk fired Twitter product manager Esther Crawford, who’d posted photos of herself sleeping on her office floor to meet Musk’s work demands. Still, Musk was unhappy with her, and with the fact that he wasn’t sleeping on the floor with her.

Heinz wants to buy a new boat for Elvis Francois, a sailor who’d been lost at sea for weeks and survived by eating their ketchup. They also want to pay for surgery after he dislocated his shoulders shaking the ketchup out of the bottle.

Parent company Meta launched a campaign on Facebook & Instagram to battle “revenge porn” – posting intimate or nude photos of someone to bully or extort them. The campaign is called “Take It Down”, after criticism of its original name, “Take It Off”.

Former ‘Teen Mom’ Farrah Abraham defended her 14-year-old daughter getting face piercings for her birthday, saying she’s not “doing drugs, drinking, or having sex” – adding that those are saved for her next three birthdays.

Voting ends on Tuesday in Chicago’s mayoral election, with incumbent Lori Lightfoot seeking a second term. Those having difficulty getting to a polling place or ballot drop are urged to contact the Bureau of Elections, who will send a carjacker to assist them.

An 8-year-old boy was rescued and is recovering after being found hanging by his neck from a rope ladder at a Pennsylvania indoor “adventure park”. Police spoke with other 8-year-olds at the birthday party, who’d convicted him of stealing their goodie bags.

Dr. Peter Driscoll, a New Jersey plastic surgeon, lost his medical license after asking a female patient to fondle his genitals in the operating room to “get motivated” to perform her procedure, known as a Nose & Hand Job.

A New York City teacher gave a presentation to middle schoolers in the Gay Straight Alliance Club, assigning different gender & sexual identities to Nintendo characters. She asserts that Mario and Princess Peach are gay, leaving LGBT students questioning what Donkey Kong was even rolling the barrels for.

A white student is suing historically black Howard University for $2 million, claiming he was a victim of “public ostracism, vilification & humiliation” during his two years there attending law school. Howard said they plan a full investigation to determine who the hell let him in to begin with.