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A Royersford, Pennsylvania Chick-fil-A restaurant will no longer allow children under 16 to dine inside without a parent or guardian after a series of “unacceptable behaviors”. They are, however, welcome to steal a car and use the drive-thru.

Elon Musk fired Twitter product manager Esther Crawford, who’d posted photos of herself sleeping on her office floor to meet Musk’s work demands. Still, Musk was unhappy with her, and with the fact that he wasn’t sleeping on the floor with her.

Heinz wants to buy a new boat for Elvis Francois, a sailor who’d been lost at sea for weeks and survived by eating their ketchup. They also want to pay for surgery after he dislocated his shoulders shaking the ketchup out of the bottle.

Parent company Meta launched a campaign on Facebook & Instagram to battle “revenge porn” – posting intimate or nude photos of someone to bully or extort them. The campaign is called “Take It Down”, after criticism of its original name, “Take It Off”.

Former ‘Teen Mom’ Farrah Abraham defended her 14-year-old daughter getting face piercings for her birthday, saying she’s not “doing drugs, drinking, or having sex” – adding that those are saved for her next three birthdays.

Voting ends on Tuesday in Chicago’s mayoral election, with incumbent Lori Lightfoot seeking a second term. Those having difficulty getting to a polling place or ballot drop are urged to contact the Bureau of Elections, who will send a carjacker to assist them.

An 8-year-old boy was rescued and is recovering after being found hanging by his neck from a rope ladder at a Pennsylvania indoor “adventure park”. Police spoke with other 8-year-olds at the birthday party, who’d convicted him of stealing their goodie bags.

Dr. Peter Driscoll, a New Jersey plastic surgeon, lost his medical license after asking a female patient to fondle his genitals in the operating room to “get motivated” to perform her procedure, known as a Nose & Hand Job.

A New York City teacher gave a presentation to middle schoolers in the Gay Straight Alliance Club, assigning different gender & sexual identities to Nintendo characters. She asserts that Mario and Princess Peach are gay, leaving LGBT students questioning what Donkey Kong was even rolling the barrels for.

A white student is suing historically black Howard University for $2 million, claiming he was a victim of “public ostracism, vilification & humiliation” during his two years there attending law school. Howard said they plan a full investigation to determine who the hell let him in to begin with.

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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”