A Royersford, Pennsylvania Chick-fil-A restaurant will no longer allow children under 16 to dine inside without a parent or guardian after a series of “unacceptable behaviors”. They are, however, welcome to steal a car and use the drive-thru.

Elon Musk fired Twitter product manager Esther Crawford, who’d posted photos of herself sleeping on her office floor to meet Musk’s work demands. Still, Musk was unhappy with her, and with the fact that he wasn’t sleeping on the floor with her.

Heinz wants to buy a new boat for Elvis Francois, a sailor who’d been lost at sea for weeks and survived by eating their ketchup. They also want to pay for surgery after he dislocated his shoulders shaking the ketchup out of the bottle.

Parent company Meta launched a campaign on Facebook & Instagram to battle “revenge porn” – posting intimate or nude photos of someone to bully or extort them. The campaign is called “Take It Down”, after criticism of its original name, “Take It Off”.

Former ‘Teen Mom’ Farrah Abraham defended her 14-year-old daughter getting face piercings for her birthday, saying she’s not “doing drugs, drinking, or having sex” – adding that those are saved for her next three birthdays.

Voting ends on Tuesday in Chicago’s mayoral election, with incumbent Lori Lightfoot seeking a second term. Those having difficulty getting to a polling place or ballot drop are urged to contact the Bureau of Elections, who will send a carjacker to assist them.

An 8-year-old boy was rescued and is recovering after being found hanging by his neck from a rope ladder at a Pennsylvania indoor “adventure park”. Police spoke with other 8-year-olds at the birthday party, who’d convicted him of stealing their goodie bags.

Dr. Peter Driscoll, a New Jersey plastic surgeon, lost his medical license after asking a female patient to fondle his genitals in the operating room to “get motivated” to perform her procedure, known as a Nose & Hand Job.

A New York City teacher gave a presentation to middle schoolers in the Gay Straight Alliance Club, assigning different gender & sexual identities to Nintendo characters. She asserts that Mario and Princess Peach are gay, leaving LGBT students questioning what Donkey Kong was even rolling the barrels for.

A white student is suing historically black Howard University for $2 million, claiming he was a victim of “public ostracism, vilification & humiliation” during his two years there attending law school. Howard said they plan a full investigation to determine who the hell let him in to begin with.

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

Walmart will no longer display Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout aisles in response to complaints from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, who believes the magazine degrades women. Walmart is still evaluating whether or not to display Weekly World News, following complaints that it’s degrading to half-man/half-monkey creatures.

Chicago Cubs star Kyle Schwarber is posting great stats in spring training after shedding 30 pounds in the offseason. Schwarber attributes the change to exercise, diet, and only having steroids on his ‘cheat day’.

Apple introduced new products at an event on Tuesday, including a $299 budget iPad for students, that includes the Apple Pencil for drawing. Apple said the product is the result of research showing how much students like to take photos and draw penises on them.

Self-driving car company Waymo introduced what it calls the first “premium” self-driving car, a Jaguar iPACE. The high-end SUV is wide enough to run over several pedestrians at once, and drive itself to the shop for bodywork before anyone notices.

A local Planned Parenthood chapter came under fire from pro-life conservatives for a tweet that read “we need a Disney princess that’s had an abortion.” Also under fire? Prince Charming for replying “then what did I give Cinderella the money for?”

President Trump is suggesting that funding for the controversial Mexican border wall be funded from the U.S. Military budget. A government procurement worker is thrilled because he found a great deal on bricks for $50 each.

Reality star Farrah Abraham settled her $5 million lawsuit against Viacom, claiming that the company dropped her from MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ and “sex shamed” her for doing porn. An MTV spokesperson said ‘Teen Mom’ cast members’ sex lives are “none of our business…after they finish 10th grade, anyway.”

Johnny Manziel, one-time ‘Johnny Football’, met with several NFL teams regarding a possible comeback – then finished the meetings and returned to work as Johnny Pizza.

Peyton Manning reportedly turned down Fox Sports’ offer to announce Thursday Night Football, due to Fox’s request that they also project the instant replays on his forehead.

Facebook announced initiatives to make 3 major changes to their Privacy Settings, labeling them Hard, Harder, and Hardest.