New research from the University of Bristol confirms that plants colonized Earth 100 million years earlier than originally thought. The findings were based off of crude cave drawings depicting early man smoking plants, coupled with terrible poetry and song lyrics written on cave walls after they smoked.

Danica Patrick was involved in a six-car pileup that prevented her from finishing the Daytona 500. It happened in an Ulta parking lot.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is expected to release his new policy on transgender troops in the military, to coincide with the kickoff of Armed Forces Fashion Week.

Juul – a new vaping device whose pods deliver as much nicotine as a full pack of cigarettes – is under scrutiny from lawmakers. Pods come in flavors such as creme brulee, mango and fruit medley, raising concern that Juul is targeting children. Execs denied that claim at a press conference to introduce new Cap’n Crunch Juul pods.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing when a fight broke out among passengers bothered by a fellow passenger’s nonstop farting. The angry passengers were unable to move, because rectal turbulence forced the captain to keep the fasten-seatbelt light on.

Daytona 500 champion Austin Dillon commemorated his victory by getting a tattoo on his buttocks. Since it was a NASCAR event, he had his choice of 20 places to get it done without leaving the track.

The Olympic Broadcasting Service (OBS) is being criticized for airing a replay of French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis’ routine, where her top broke and exposed her breast and nipple. OBS defended their decision, saying Papadakis’ performance is the highest-rated tv show in North Korean history.

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she weighs just 98 pounds – a detail shared in a deleted scene of E!’s ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, where Kourtney sits on one end of a seesaw, while sister Kim sits on the other end and sends Kourtney to the hospital.

Michelle Obama tweeted congratulations to the makers of ‘Black Panther’ after seeing the film, writing “because of you, young people will finally see superheroes that look like them on the big screen.” Her message was received with confusion by young, white Amazon girls.

The White House said that President Trump will participate in a pair of “listening sessions” on school safety this week — one with NRA lobbyists, and another with students at the Professional Golf Association Tour School.