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A former New York restaurant hostess said in a TikTok video that Kylie Jenner left a $20 tip on a $500 dinner bill. Reached for comment, Kylie said it was because she was out of $1s and $5s .

Taco Bell is reportedly planning a massive overhaul of its menu, but assures customers that whatever they serve will still result in a massive overhaul to their bathroom.

Three teenagers fishing off the coast of Maine took nearly 7 hours to haul in a 700-pound bluefin tuna. They started a GoFundMe to raise money for enough firecrackers to blow it up.

A California teen is credited with inventing ‘Talking Masks’ – masks with a clear panel so deaf people can read their lips, and also tell them they have spinach in their teeth.

Nick Cannon apologized for anti-Semitic remarks he made on a podcast, and was subsequently confirmed to be keeping his job as host of The Masked Singer – which will be renamed The Masked Singers Who Probably Aren’t Jewish.

British Airways announced they’re retiring their entire fleet of Boeing 747s, but will allow pilots and flight attendants the opportunity to have one final shag in the first-class loo.

Smugglers attempted to ship cocaine from Colombia to Italy in coffee beans that had been sliced open and resealed. Italian cops arrested the man who picked up the package, then had the best goddamned coffee break ever.

Following a night of wild partying, recording artist Megan Thee Stallion was taken to a hospital with gunshot wounds in her foot. Doctors say she’s lucky the bullets didn’t break her leg, because they’d have to put Stallion down.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick have ended their two-year relationship, which ran out of gas.

Kanye West is reportedly still forging ahead with his presidential run, and Caitlyn Jenner wants to be his running mate. Jenner would become the first vice-president to declare their pronouns.

 

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New research from the University of Bristol confirms that plants colonized Earth 100 million years earlier than originally thought. The findings were based off of crude cave drawings depicting early man smoking plants, coupled with terrible poetry and song lyrics written on cave walls after they smoked.

Danica Patrick was involved in a six-car pileup that prevented her from finishing the Daytona 500. It happened in an Ulta parking lot.

Defense Secretary James Mattis is expected to release his new policy on transgender troops in the military, to coincide with the kickoff of Armed Forces Fashion Week.

Juul – a new vaping device whose pods deliver as much nicotine as a full pack of cigarettes – is under scrutiny from lawmakers. Pods come in flavors such as creme brulee, mango and fruit medley, raising concern that Juul is targeting children. Execs denied that claim at a press conference to introduce new Cap’n Crunch Juul pods.

A flight from Dubai to Amsterdam was forced to make an emergency landing when a fight broke out among passengers bothered by a fellow passenger’s nonstop farting. The angry passengers were unable to move, because rectal turbulence forced the captain to keep the fasten-seatbelt light on.

Daytona 500 champion Austin Dillon commemorated his victory by getting a tattoo on his buttocks. Since it was a NASCAR event, he had his choice of 20 places to get it done without leaving the track.

The Olympic Broadcasting Service (OBS) is being criticized for airing a replay of French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis’ routine, where her top broke and exposed her breast and nipple. OBS defended their decision, saying Papadakis’ performance is the highest-rated tv show in North Korean history.

Kourtney Kardashian revealed that she weighs just 98 pounds – a detail shared in a deleted scene of E!’s ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, where Kourtney sits on one end of a seesaw, while sister Kim sits on the other end and sends Kourtney to the hospital.

Michelle Obama tweeted congratulations to the makers of ‘Black Panther’ after seeing the film, writing “because of you, young people will finally see superheroes that look like them on the big screen.” Her message was received with confusion by young, white Amazon girls.

The White House said that President Trump will participate in a pair of “listening sessions” on school safety this week — one with NRA lobbyists, and another with students at the Professional Golf Association Tour School.

 

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House GOP Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy recounted his recent trip with the President aboard Air Force One, saying that Trump loves Starburst candies, but only the red and pink ones. Asked who gets the yellow and green ones, he said “some kid Barron something”.

Police in Knoxville, Tennessee investigated an alarm at a Boost Mobile store and found it was caused by a raccoon. After checking his credit score, the raccoon learned he was able to get a new phone from a better service provider and left.

Danica Patrick confirmed that she’s dating Aaron Rodgers. Patrick announced her retirement from NASCAR in 2017, but expressed her excitement at still being able to qualify for the pole.

Natural Cycles, a contraceptive app approved as a form of contraception by the European Union, has been hit with a complaint after being blamed for 37 unwanted pregnancies. Natural Cycles launched an investigation, but in the meantime urged pregnant mothers to try its other app, Find That Guy I Had Sex With.

A man traveling from Iceland to England was arrested at the airport for attempting to avoid excess luggage fees by wearing eight pairs of pants and ten shirts. Airport security patted him down layer by layer, and he boarded a flight two days later when they finished.

A newborn baby boy was found abandoned at the Tucson International Airport on Sunday night. The baby was found in good health, and his first words were “please get me out of Tucson.”

The Japanese city of Gamagori issued a citywide emergency warning after a supermarket mistakenly sold lethally poisonous blowfish.  The search was later narrowed to specific women who had redeemed buy-one-get-one-free coupons for lethally poisonous blowfish.

A British Airways crew assigned to a flight from London to Ghana refused to work when the aircraft was discovered to be infested with bedbugs, and the bedbugs refused to be reassigned to coach.

The Google Art & Culture app has become a viral hit, two years after its initial release. Among its features, it matches users selfies with historic portrait works of art. For instance, photos of the President and his cabinet in the Oval Office were matched to Dogs Playing Poker.

McDonald’s announced a new Green initiative, to use renewable, recyclable or certified materials in all of its packaging by 2025. McDonald’s said it’s dedicating the initiative to all of its most loyal customers who have asked for the change but won’t live to see it.

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Donald Trump was added to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World in Florida. His big line is “no puppet..you’re the puppet” to the other puppets, then he sits down and watches six hours of TV.

Toys R Us is said to be closing up to 100 stores. Once the locations are announced, parents are invited to bring their toddlers in for one final meltdown for old time’s sake.

Reverend Gregory Greiten – a Catholic priest in Milwaukee – came out as gay, telling his parishioners that he exclusively doesn’t have sex with men.

  • After making the announcement at mass, he received a standing ovation, except for the altar boys, who he’d asked to keep kneeling.
  • Greiten said he came out because he was ‘weary of holding it in.’ “You’re telling me!” said a wisecracking man that Greiten is totally not having sex with.

Facebook says that the U.S. Government is making more secret requests for user data than ever before; proving if there’s anything Facebook is worse at than designing user settings, it’s understanding what ‘secret’ means.

Apple AirPods are sold out for the Holidays. So you can either wait until they’re back in stock, or suck it up and reuse the pair you fished out after they dropped from your ears into the toilet.

Shares of Twitter are up 6% this week and 40% this year, as takeover rumors continue to swirl around the company. Facebook is reportedly not interested, even though it would lead to massive productivity increases from users not having to copy their Facebook status into a Tweet.

Driver Danica Patrick announced that she is no longer together with longtime boyfriend and fellow NASCAR driver Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. Insiders say their relationship had been running under a caution flag for some time, until it was just the pits.

Sarah Palin’s oldest son, Track Palin, was arrested for domestic violence after getting into a fight with his father, Todd, over a truck. The younger Palin had apparently been drinking, and the fight left his father bloodied and covered in Track marks.

Reddit officially launched its new mobile tools for users, allowing commenting and chat for the dozen or so Reddit users that actually leave their house.