By |

IHOP is offering free pancakes in honor of National Pancake Day, or as it’s known at IHOP, ‘Please Seat Me As Far Away From That Smelly Hobo Getting Free Pancakes’ Day.

Australian police arrested several men after finding 650 pounds of ephedrine – a key crystal meth ingredient – in highlighter markers.  Police arrested the smugglers after they told officers they needed the highlighters for a big “meth..uh, I mean math” test.

President Trump received harsh criticism for his assertion that he would have run in to the Parkland school shooting even if he didn’t have a weapon. Trump’s close allies doubt the President’s assertion, owing to a) the shooting happened on a Wednesday, not Taco Tuesday; and b) the cafeteria had closed for the day.

Apple is planning to open “AC Wellness” – in-house medical clinics for its employees. The move comes after multiple employee deaths from misdiagnoses and failed surgeries at the Genius Bar.

Disney is donating $1 Million in profits from ‘Black Panther’ to the Boys & Girls Clubs of America. Boys & Girls Clubs execs are planning to spend some of the money to send children on trips to Wakanda.

Liquor giant Diageo is issuing a Special Edition of its Johnnie Walker Black Label whiskey with a female logo, ‘Jane Walker’. The logo is unique in that once Jane fills up with scotch, her clothes come off.

Starting in April, the state of California will allow companies testing driverless cars to do so without a human riding in the car as backup. They will, however, require the autonomous car’s driver’s seat to be occupied by a mannequin of an 80-year-old in wraparound sunglasses so that there’s something for real people to yell at and flip off.

File sharing company Dropbox filed for an initial public offering; they sent a Dropbox link to the SEC and prospective investment bankers, most of whom replied “it’s not working”.

Netflix is premiering “Jinn”, its first original series in Arabic; it tells the story of teenagers who discover a genie and fight Middle Eastern stereotypes.

White House Communications Director Hope Hicks will meet on Tuesday with the House Intelligence Committee on Russian election interference. She’s expected to face tough questioning like “Did you ever hear anyone communicating with Russians?” from Democrats; and “What designer are you wearing?” from Republicans.

 

By |

Cinemark Theaters announced they’re banning large bags in their movie theaters to enhance ‘safety and security’. They advised patrons to bring pistols instead of rifles to shoot at the screen during ‘Fifty Shades Freed’.

The USA Women’s ice hockey team won the Olympic Gold Medal, defeating Canada 3-2 in a shootout – to the delight of NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, who said it’s about time Americans saw the positive side of shootouts.

President Trump met with families of the victims of gun violence at the White House. He could be seen clutching a list of questions and talking points, the last of which read “I hear you”. The back of the list was a single note “turn paper over”.

Survivors of the Parkland school shooting are being criticized by conspiracy theorists as “crisis actors”.  Hearing the term ‘crisis actor’, Nicolas Cage instructed his agent to see how much the job pays.

A Michigan family said the dining room tv in a Burger King showed a graphic sex scene. Customer Richard Avery was there with his two sons, ages 7 and 8, when the tv showed a scene of a man fondling a woman’s breast and thrusting against her, as the woman said “you’re a nasty horndog”. Burger King said the incident doesn’t reflect their brand, and they’ve scrapped plans to add the Nasty Horndog to their menu.

QSR Magazine ranked the food and beverage chains with the fastest drive-thru service. Starbucks ranked next-to-last at 4 1/2 minutes and Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr was at the bottom at nearly five minutes.  Starbucks defended their time, saying it takes douchebags an average of four minutes to order; Carl’s Jr/Hardees attributed their slowness to customers’ diabetic blackouts behind the wheel.

Gal Gadot will be a presenter at the Academy Awards, and will also lasso the winner of Best Original Screenplay to see if they really wrote it themselves.

President Trump suggested that arming teachers and training them to use guns might be a good idea. Several startup companies are rumored to be working on bright orange bulletproof hall passes.

67-year-old actress Jane Seymour posed for Playboy magazine, it’s their first centerfold that comes with a warning label.

CNN held a Town Hall Meeting to discuss gun violence at an arena in Sunrise, Florida. No injuries were reported at the meeting, but several people were rescued after driving in to sinkholes in the parking lot.

 

By |

Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.