Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of defrauding investors. Since Bankman-Fried was scheduled to testify before Congress today, the Speaker of the House will show a movie instead.

Subaru is recalling 270,000 Ascent SUVs because of a fire risk. They advise owners that if the car catches fire, to drive it into a snowbank, then use the reliable all-wheel drive to get out of it.

The cancellation of Bankman-Fried’s testimony is disappointing to people wanting to hear a Congressman ask him how Batcoin works.

Donald Trump said on Truth Social that he’d refused a prisoner swap with Russia of Viktor ‘Merchant Of Death’ Bout for Paul Whelan, saying Bout was a ruthless arms dealer and also turned down his invitation to be commencement speaker at Trump University

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit showrunner David Graziano is accused of ‘toxic behavior, bullying and misogyny’. NBC will bring in an elite investigative team because some of the incidents are especially heinous.

After cancelling the general public sale for Taylor Swift’s upcoming tour, Ticketmaster announced that Swift’s ‘Verified Fans’ will get a second chance to go online and be f**ked over.

United Airlines purchased over 100 new Boeing Dreamliners to replace aging jets. The new jets are more fuel-efficient, and have wrist and torso restraints built into the seats to save money on duct tape.

The U.S. successfully created energy from a nuclear fusion reaction – a breakthrough step that could reduce reliance on fossil fuels. General Motors announced they’ll use the technology to produce the first nuclear car, then recall the car for exposing drivers to radiation poisoning.

The NBA renamed the Most Valuable Player honor as The Michael Jordan MVP Award, making the trophy statue in his likeness. They also created a trophy of Charles Barkley & Shaquille O’Neal sitting together, honoring the player who eats the most at the postgame buffet.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Philadelphia announced the closing of four churches in the city’s suburbs. Despite the downsizing, shy, handsome altar boys will be offered positions at churches remaining open.

Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.