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Bad news: daily marijuana use leads to increased risk of head & neck cancer. Good news: you, like, totally can’t even feel the cancer in there, man.

A large geographic feature known both as the ‘Double Arch’ and the ‘Toilet Bowl’ collapsed near Lake Powell, Utah. It’s the largest toilet bowl collapse in a western state since NBC stopped filming The Biggest Loser.

The FDA approved a nasal spray that could eventually replace epi pens for emergency treatment of severe allergic reactions. It comes in honey or peanut scent for use on kids who’ve been stung by bees or eaten nuts.

Scientists found a new bacteria that feeds on microplastics. They discovered it when heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and seeing the tray had been eaten.

Starbucks hired Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol to run the global coffee chain. His first order of business is training workers to tell customers that cream & sugar are “a little extra..”.

Gum disease has been linked to Alzheimer’s. No word on whether dirty dentures are linked as well.

A 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit Los Angeles last week. Seismologists noted the quake arrived a half-hour late from its predicted time, then ended early to beat traffic.

Chuck E Cheese is now offering a Fun Pass – a monthly subscription program offering unlimited visits. Divorcing parents are buying Fun Passses and declaring Chuck E. the rat as having partial custody of their kids.

Jeff Bezos met with the Pope. It took the Pope two weeks to get on Bezos’ calendar. They spent about an hour discussing raking in billions while screwing adults, and children, respectively.

Spain’s Maria Morera, the world’s oldest person, died at age 117, following a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg illness.

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India held its first ever Transgender Women’s Beauty Pageant. Contestants were judged on talent, interviews, evening gowns and a spelling bee.

Lego announced its biggest set ever, the Ultimate Collectors Series Millennium Falcon. The set has 7,541 pieces, costs $799.99 and will never be opened or assembled by anyone.

  • The set is recommended hobbyists 16 years of age and over who live in their parents’ basement.
  • For kids who think they’re getting $799.99 to buy it, consider your Dad the Death Star.

The average age of Dads in the U.S. has increased to over 30. The increase is driven by a higher number of fathers over 40 who are more skilled at talking women out of the need for condoms.

Sean Spicer finally met the Pope, who took a few minutes to ask him about working with Satan.

The FDA approved a new cancer treatment that reprograms autoimmune cells to fight leukemia. President Trump expressed hope that, once Congress reconvenes, they’ll repeal it.

A young father broadcast his 3 year-old child’s temper tantrum timeout on Facebook Live, titling it ‘When spoiled ass kids get told NO in Walmart‘. The video has been viewed over 21 million times; the toddler’s new show on Disney Channel debuts next month.

Wells Fargo bank has discovered another 1.45 million fake accounts, and held a ceremony to award a savings bond to its 3 millionth fake customer.

The U.S. has expelled Russian diplomats from Washington DC, New York City and San Francisco.  Diplomats in Cleveland and Detroit are asking when it’s their turn.

A study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy revealed the secret to female orgasms. “Can we talk about it later?” said husbands watching golf.

  • The study cited clitoral stimulation as the key requirement to orgasm. Women reported different preferences in genital touch; 64% of women preferred an up and down motion, 50% preferred circular motion, and 98% cited their male partner touching the wrong place.