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Melania Trump invited Joshua Trump, an 11-year-old from Wilmington, Delaware who claims he’s been bullied because of his last name, to attend the State of the Union address. “Hey, whatever gets me out of Wilmington, Delaware” said Joshua.

  • Joshua fell asleep at the State of the Union, and awoke to find that he’d gotten $5 million in donations to run for a Delaware congressional seat as a Democrat.

President Trump said he’ll build a “human wall” if necessary on the Southern U.S. border — adding he’s encouraged by the flood of applications already received from Guatemalan immigrants seeking to be human bricks.

A North Carolina college student living in an off-campus apartment thought her home was haunted by ghosts, but then found a 30-year-old man in her closet wearing her clothes. Police said it isn’t a first for a North Carolina man wearing women’s clothing to stay in the closet.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning and wife Abby welcomed their fourth child, Charlie, just after midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. The baby would have arrived late Saturday, but Manning let the clock run a full 35 seconds before changing the play to Big Push.

The Los Angeles Dodgers finally revealed that a 79-year-old woman died after being struck by a foul ball at Dodger Stadium during a game last August. Paramedics were credited with a blown save.

In NHL action, the San Jose Sharks defeated the Winnipeg Jets in their annual ‘Manitoba Side Story’ game.

Roger Alvarado, 22, was sentenced to six months in jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s New York townhouse. Alvarado used the shower, slept in Swift’s bed, and co-wrote the diss track about him for Swift’s next album.

Richard Branson announced Virgin Voyages – an adults-only cruise line launching with new cruise ship Scarlet Lady in 2020. In keeping with the 21-and-over theme, the Scarlet Lady will take to the seas with a strain of norovirus first placed in a petri dish in 1998.

Kendall Jenner debuted new bangs. Her hair, not NBA player/boyfriends.

Google released Password Checkup, a new Chrome browser security extension. It tells you if your recent passwords have been detected in a data breach, and tells everyone whose password is PASSWORD or PASSWORD1 that they’re on their own.

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16 U.S. Postal Service workers were sentenced to prison for assisting drug traffickers by delivering packages containing cocaine on their routes. The scheme was discovered when cocaine was repeatedly delivered to the wrong houses. 

A new study of cognitive behavior published in the journal Learning & Behavior concludes that dogs aren’t as smart as humans think. The study covered spatial/physical/social/sensory cognition and found that all of that doesn’t outweigh eating from the cat’s litter box. 

McDonald’s is disputing London Metropolitan University’s test that every ordering touch-screen it swabbed in U.K. restaurants tested positive for fecal matter. McDonald’s is not, however, disputing that the same results were found in the food. 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai will appear before Congress to answer questions about anti-conservative bias in their filtering of news and search results. Congressmen will have the choice of beginning their questions with Mr. Pichai or Hey, Google. 

Marriott revealed a data breach, exposing the personal information of about 500 million guests, including credit information. A similar breach was revealed for Motel 6 customers, but their credit is so bad the hackers can’t do anything with it. 

Democrats plan to investigate the Trump Company’s plan to give Vladimir Putin a $50 million penthouse atop a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. They also plan to investigate why the layout called for 10′ x 10′ floor-mounted urinals next to the bed. 

Billionaire Richard Branson is funding an expedition to determine what’s at the bottom of Belize’s Great Blue Hole – a giant ocean cavern 125 meters deep – believed to be the world’s largest repository of scuba diver’s lost GoPros and car keys.

In Philadelphia, a woman denied beer because she lacked the money ignited hairspray and used it as a flamethrower toward the cashier. No one was injured, and the owner extinguished the burning Busch. 

University of Wisconsin – LaCrosse Chancellor Joe Gow angered school officials, using $5,000 from the school to pay porn actress Nina Hartley for a lecture. 72 students attended the lecture; fewer students attended 30-minute meet-and-greets costing $250. 

Fox News hosts apologized for a Fox & Friends segment where Kid Rock called comedian Joy Behar a ‘bitch’. Vegas bookmakers then placed even-money odds on the Behar/Rock rap battle to settle the beef.