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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.