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Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.