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Low water levels at Lake Mead reservoir near Las Vegas led to the discovery of human remains stuffed into a barrel. Police say the body had been there since the 1980s, because they found Milli Vanilli tickets in a pants pocket.

Bad news: the U.S. Supreme Court appears poised to overturn Roe v. Wade. Good news: Southwest Airlines announced $99 Super Saver roundtrip airfare from Texas to Newark, New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian supposedly lost 16 pounds to fit into Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala, forcing her to show up half-assed.

A woman claimed she was kicked off a Jet Blue flight for being a ‘Trump supporter’, after she was recorded shouting racist and homophobic slurs. Nobody doubted that she’s a Trump supporter.

Vladimir Putin is rumored to be undergoing cancer surgery, opting for that approach versus radiation therapy – sitting in a lawn chair outside of the Chernobyl nuclear plant.

Eugene De Leon, a veteran snake handler, died after a snake bit his face at the Rattlesnake Roundup in Freer, Texas. Organizers mourned the loss of De Leon, and admitted they’d lost count of injuries at the festival petting zoo.

An Arizona woman who lost her leg to cancer in 2001 broke a Guinness World Record by running 102 marathons in 102 days. She is recuperating at home from extreme dizziness after running nearly 2,700 miles in a circle.

LPGA pro golfer Lydia Ko surprised a a Golf Channel interviewer who’d asked about her back tightness by telling him she was having her period. Ko placed third in the tournament, shooting 1-under-par to finish her final round in the red.

A new report claims the processing power of Meta’s upcoming virtual reality headset – the successor to Oculus Quest – makes it a “laptop for your face”. Even better, it’s harder to mess up while watching porn.

Apple employees at the company’s Cupertino, California headquarters submitted an open letter criticizing a policy which only allows them to work-from-home two days per week. “Cry me a river” said the teenagers and moms asssembling iPhones.

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Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and enjoy a peaceful, healthy holiday. CD

Paraplegic GOP Congressman & Trump supporter Madison Cawthorn announced he’s divorcing his wife after just 8 months of marriage. Turns out the only thing close to an erection he can get is an insurrection.

Doctors and nurses are being harassed by unvaccinated COVID-19 patients demanding treatment with animal dewormer ivermectin while hospitalized. Then they’re refusing transfers to the barn where they can get the treatment they want.

Over 2,000 global flights were canceled on Christmas Eve as staff call out sick with COVID-19. Spirit Airlines is able to keep a full schedule, thanks to special Incubator Flights, where all passengers & crew must first test positive for COVID.

Pete Davidson was turned away at a California marijuana dispensary, supposedly for failure to produce proper ID. Luckily about a thousand local freelancers are willing to waive ID requirements.

Comet Leonard, also known as the Christmas Comet, will light up the night sky through the balance of December. “On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…On Leonard, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen” said a fat guy.

An 8-foot long acquatic dinosaur fossil found in the Nevada mountains may provide unique insights to evolution. It’s the oldest fossil in Nevada that isn’t standing in line for the buffet at Caesar’s Palace.

Caitlyn Jenner underwent knee replacement surgery, and is now another step closer to being a new woman with every bone in her body.

Alec Baldwin sent out a holiday message thanking those who supported him during the ‘Rust’ tragedy, saying he’d take a bullet for any of them, or maybe not.

Scientists discovered life 200 meters below the ice shelf in Antarctica. “So much for privacy” said the two emperor penguins who’d worked hard to get some alone time.

Tesla Auto announced they’ll no longer provide video games to play on the dashboard console. They made the announcement as the Tesla world record holder in Tetris was scraped out from under a tractor trailer.

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Apple says they’re going ‘all in’ on 5G technology in 2022, with factories hiring thousands of fifth graders.

Jeff Bezos gifted $100 million ‘Courage & Civility’ Awards to chef Jose Andres and CNN anchor Van Jones, so they can continue charitable work. Finalists are not yet announced for the Donald Trump ‘Cowardice & Hostility’ awards, but multiple January 6th rioters are in the running.

Joe Pytka, director of the original ‘Space Jam‘ movie, said ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy” is so boring he couldn’t finish it in one sitting. It’s one of the most scathing criticisms an 82-year-old has ever leveled against a children’s cartoon.

Provincetown, Massachusetts, a popular gay-friendly Cape Cod tourist destination, is experiencing a surge in COVID cases, causing officials to require guests & residents to wear masks with mouth holes.

The Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA title, but gunfire outside their home arena in the postgame celebration sent three people to the hospital with Buckshot wounds .

A COVID-positive Indonesian man was arrested for disguising himself as his wife so he could board a domestic flight on a local airline. He was discovered by the drunken groper in the adjacent seat.

“Floating breakfast” is a growing trend in the hospitality industry; it describes breakfast served in pools or hot tubs at luxury resorts, or, at Ramada Inns, the continental breakfast dumped into the toilet.

Kanye West threw a listening party for his new album in Las Vegas, which morphed into traffic jam at the parking lot exit halfway through the listening party.

Cecil County Maryland broke ground on what will be the biggest Great Wolf Lodge, a 700-room hotel and largest indoor water park – also home to the world’s largest concentration of water-borne bacteria.

A Philadelphia bakery apologized after making a cake honoring a police officer’s service anniversary with a Philadelphia Police Department logo reading ‘Coffee Donuts Corruption’ instead of ‘Honor Integrity Service’. The cop still ate the cake along with coffee & donuts.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LV. Bucs Head Coach Bruce Arians awaited a call from President Joe Biden, then was told the game ended three hours past his bedtime.

Biden spent the weekend in Delaware in the middle of winter, leading to renewed concerns over his diminished mental capacity.

The Buccaneers offensive and defensive coordinators – Byron Leftwich and Todd Bowles – are both black. The Super Bowl win is expected to raise their profiles as candidates for NFL head coaching jobs they won’t get.

A 26-year-old Michigan man died from shrapnel injuries when a cannon fired at a baby shower exploded. Fortunately, the baby landed safely in a net across the yard.

An Idaho woman won $300,000 and $200,000 scratch-off lottery prizes on consecutive days. She said she’s planning a trip to Las Vegas, so the odds can catch up with her there.

NYC domestic violence police officer Valerie Cincinelli was charged with hiring a hit man to kill her ex-husband, and paying him with gold coins. Her life story will be made into the upcoming film ‘John Wick 4: Special Victims Unit’. [story h/t Jim H. ! ]

Country singer Morgan Wallen’s music sales have soared after he was caught on video using the N-word. In response, Toby Keith released video of himself using the same word casually for the last twenty years.

The United Arab Emirates spacecraft Hope is expected to reach Mars orbit after a 300-million mile journey. Hope will analyze Mars surface, then leave as soon as it figures out there’s no oil there.

Tessica Brown created a viral Tik Tok video saying she’d used Gorilla Glue spray adhesive on her hair, and that it’s been stuck there for a month, causing headaches. Gorilla Glue then issued a warning to women, and a coupon to male toupee wearers.

New York City middle schools will reopen to students for the first time in months. Area boxing gyms are offering crash courses to help schoolyard bullies quickly get back in to shape.

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Pennsylvania’s Dorney Park amusement park is the site of a mass vaccination clinic. They may leave it up through the summer to treat water park visitors for hepatitis.

Law & Order SVU producers say they’re hiring as many unemployed Broadway theater employees as they can – but with a preference for sex creeps.

The same researcher who claimed the ability to predict sexual orientation by facial scan now claims it can also predict political party. Some are outraged, others think it could be useful helping gay Republicans find each other.

The New York Times reports some jobless women are selling nudes on Only Fans to make ends meet, but are disappointed with low sales. “Maybe if you weren’t 80” said a choosy customer.

Donald Trump was impeached for a second time, as history repeached itself.

Snapchat permanently banned Donald Trump, citing the potential to incite violence, and, of course, the thousands of dick pics.

Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy died in Las Vegas at age 81. This follows the death of partner Roy Horn in May. Their famous white tigers are planning to retire from magic and start a singing act.

Joe Biden reportedly has to turn to Plan B because none of his cabinet picks will be confirmed before his inauguration. Fortunately Donald Trump had plenty of Plan B left in his medicine cabinet.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is facing neglect charges for failure to address the Flint, Michigan water crisis while in office. His attorneys claim the charges don’t hold undrinkable water.

Joe & Jill Biden announced they’ll adopt a cat once they’re in the White House. This, after the prior tenant preferred to get his pussy outside of it.

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Nevada is limiting Thanksgiving gatherings to 10 people. They also announced a Thursday pay-per-view fight between the 10th & 11th guys in line for turkey dinner at a Las Vegas homeless shelter.

A new study claims people over age 45 are at greater risk of sexually transmitted infections, because they’re no longer worried about pregnancy, and because can you believe how much money they want for condoms these days?!

A viral video shows a Florida man pulling a puppy from the mouth of an alligator. The puppy is fine, and the alligator is considering adopting a kitten.

Melania Trump is planning to decorate the White House for Christmas one last time, according to a stock clerk at the nearby Ollie’s Bargain Outlet who said they’re sold out of inflatables.

New York City cops broke up an 80-person swingers party in Queens over the weekend. Police did praise those in attendance for using protection, and for finding inventive new uses for Purell.

British pro soccer player Darnell Fisher faces league discipline after being caught grabbing an opponent’s penis twice. He wasn’t carded, because he avoided touching the balls.

150 cold-stunned turtles – who couldn’t navigate to warmer water in time – were rescued on or near Cape Cod beaches, then moved to safety…slowly.

The first COVID-19 vaccines will likely require individuals to get two shots, one where the health professional tries to give it to you, and a second time where you stop being a pussy and sit still.

Donald Trump Jr said that, despite his COVID-19 positive test, he’s completely asymptomatic. He then asked his girlfriend if that means he feels good or not.

New York City residents are spraying their cars with cinnamon and mint oil to ward off giant rats that chew through wiring and damage engines. Rats are reportedly frustrated, but they smell amazing.

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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.