An 88-year-old man arrived at a French hospital with a World War I artillery shell lodged in his rectum, forcing the facility to evacuate. The shell was removed by doctors, who were happy detonation was avoided by the lack of Mexican food in France.

U.S. law enforcement officers seized enough fentanyl to kill every American in 2022, and enough cash for Border Patrol officers to give themselves nice Christmas bonuses.

United States Postal Service trucks will transition from gas to electric by 2026, or whenever your 2022 Christmas deliveries arrive, whichever is later.

Allegiant Airlines failed to load any checked baggage on a flight from Bellingham, Washington to Oakland, California. Allegiant announced their baggage handlers will no longer be trained at Philadelphia International Airport.

A lawyer was kicked out of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular because her law firm is suing the owner of Radio City. She’s now also suing for personal injury after being kicked by every Rockette on her way out.

New head of DC Comics movies James Gunn, having fired Henry Cavill as Superman, said no decision has been made regarding Gal Gadot’s status as Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, the Super Friends added Gunn to their list of Super Frenemies.

A massive winter storm across the U.S. promises to make this the coldest Christmas in decades, and colder still for every guy who buys their wife or girlfriend fitness equipment.

Outgoing Arizona Governor Doug Ducey will remove a border wall he commissioned, made out of stacked shipping containers. No word on plans for the 2,000 migrants living in the shipping containers.

The NHL’s Buffalo Sabres postponed Friday’s home game against the Tampa Bay Lightning due to what meteorologists are calling a “once in a generation” winter storm – or, what Buffalo residents are calling a “once every couple weeks” storm.

A new study finds red dye used in Skittles, Doritos and other snacks could trigger irritable bowel diseases – or, as they’re now known, Sour Cherry & Flamin’ Hot irritable bowel diseases.

A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.

Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz is reportedly the subject of an investigation that he had a sexual relationship with a 17-year-old girl. Gaetz responded, saying once she broke up with Barron Trump, he figured she was fair game.

An Indiana woman was charged with the murder of her ex-boyfriend by putting Fentanyl in his oatmeal, then choking him. An autopsy revealed Fentanyl in his bloodstream, but thanks to the oatmeal, his cholesterol was down.

Malik Beasley of the NBA Minnesota Timberwolves is questioning his son’s paternity in his divorce from wife Montana Yao. Tonight on TNT Network, ‘Inside the NBA’ welcomes special guest Maury Povich.

Ariana Grande is joining ‘The Voice’ as a coach. She’s already spun her chair around and gotten engaged to three different male contestants.

Vanessa Bryant, wife of the late Kobe Bryant, celebrated their daughter Natalia being accepted into USC, and wished her the best of luck on the rowing team.

Nintendo fans are reportedly panicked over a rumor that Mario will die on March 31st. Many have ruined their game consoles shoving mushrooms in them to give him an extra life.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity rover sent back a selfie it took atop a 20-foot tall rock formation, just before falling to its death.

NCAA basketball referee Bert Smith collapsed on court while officiating the Gonzaga/USC game, then called himself for a blocking foul.

The National Football League expanded the 2021 regular season. Each team gets a 17th game and a second concussion tent to handle the extra volume.

Scientists in southern Argentina have found the skull of a large meat-eating dinosaur named “one who causes fear” in the local Mapuche language. In its torso area, they found bones from other dinosaurs named “ones that get eaten”.

The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

Toy executive Isaac Larian donated $200 million to a GoFundMe that seeks to raise $1 Billion to rescue Toys R Us. Larian expects that the remaining $800 million can be raised from angry toddlers stealing credit card information.

Starbucks introduced the Crystal Ball Frappuccino – so named because you order it, and try to predict which name that isn’t yours will be written on the cup.

Deceased Austin serial bomber Mark Anthony Conditt left behind a 25-minute confession video on his cellphone. At the time of his death, it was 20% uploaded to YouTube and is still buffering.

Macaulay Culkin appeared on the “Anna Faris Is Unqualified” podcast and discussed, among other things, losing his virginity. When Michael Jackson’s name didn’t come up, everyone shut it off.

San Francisco became the first major U.S. city to ban the sale of animal fur, effective January 1st, 2019.  Airbnb has been inundated with requests for cabin rentals in Tahoe to chinchillas looking to lay low for the rest of the year.

A new club in Midtown Manhattan, ‘Nap York’, offers space for a 30-minute nap for $10. Or, for those napping with a friend, it’s $250.

Just a week after the store he founded announced it’s going out of business, Toys R Us founder Charles Lazarus died at age 94, and is also out of business.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway, speaking at a White House conference on millennials, said regarding lethal opioid fentanyl: “eat the ice cream, have the french fry. Don’t buy the street drug. Believe me, it all works out.” Conway then cued up ‘Turkey In The Straw’ before piloting her government-funded ice cream truck to a methadone clinic.

Disney’s stage adaptation of Frozen opened on Broadway, to slushy reviews.

President Trump is threatening to veto the House-approved spending bill over lack of a DACA fix and border wall funding. Both are needed to give raises and job security to entice the illegal immigrant stonemasons from their jobs on Trump Resorts to laying bricks on the Mexico border.

An Australian woman discovered a giant earthworm above ground after torrential rains. The worm measured two feet, until she handed it to her husband and it shrank to three inches.

The American Chemical Society released results of tests on lab mice to determine how much Halloween candy kids would have to eat before they died. Lethal levels were 500 gummy worms, 400 fun-size candy bars or 2200 pieces of candy corn. The saddest part of the study was disposing of dozens of dead mice in Wonder Woman and Iron Man costumes.

Samsung released a version of its Galaxy Note 8 in blue. The case is still black, but if you look at the tip of the flames you can see blue.

A New England doctor used Butterfly IQ – an ultrasound that pairs with an iPhone app – to detect his own cancer. The cancerous mass was blocking part of his neck, and also blocking the birds from completely destroying the pigs’ elaborate towers.

A Discover survey asked 1,000 Americans what would make them feel like they really “made it”, and 53% said having a housekeeper. Separately, 53% of housekeepers feel they’ve really made it once they pawned the jewelry they swiped from successful clients.

President Trump declared the opioid crisis a Public Health Emergency, and said the government would produce “really tough, really great advertising” to prevent people from starting opioids. The Senate floor was closed off as filming began on the first ad, starring Mitch McConnell as a gold-chain & backward-hat wearing drug lord.

  • Melania Trump pledged her personal involvement in the war on opioids, striking fear into the hearts of OxyContin and Fentanyl dealers operating out of Bergdorf Goodman dressing rooms.

President Trump’s Happy Birthday message on Twitter – intended for singer Lee Greenwood – was tagged with the wrong Lee Greenwood, a Washington D.C. lawyer. The lawyer gladly stood up and defended the bill for $100 he sent to Trump for the time he took to read the tweet.

Simon Cowell was rushed to the hospital after falling down the stairs of his London home. Celebrities and former American Idol contestants sent flowers to the house, hoping that the stairs were okay.

A Rolex watch once owned by the late Paul Newman sold at auction for $17.8 million, a record for watches. The anonymous purchaser is said to have expressed remorse when he realized there isn’t a step counter on it.

President Trump released the first batch of confidential government records surrounding the JFK Assassination. Among the early revelations: “boxers”.