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San Francisco 49ers QB Brock Purdy got married to Jenna Brandt. Said the officiant: “I now pronounce you Purdy & Purdy-er”

Actress Neve Campbell is returning for horror flick Scream 7 after abandoning Scream 6 over inadequate pay. Producers may kill her off after that, and she’ll be Scream 8-ed.

A Conoco gas station in Camden, New Jersey was found to be selling fuel contaminated with 58% water. The gas was also really expensive because water there costs $3.50 a bottle.

A man impersonating a nurse at a suburban Philadelphia urgent care asked a woman there taking a pre-employment drug test to urinate while he watched, then gave her his phone number. They both ended up disappointed; he was arrested and she failed the drug test.

A New Jersey cockfighting ring was broken up. Police grabbed dozens of cocks, and organizers face 3 to 5 years cooped up.

Atlantic City’s boardwalk is getting $20 million in upgrades — $19,500,00 for new planks, and $500,000 in bedroom furniture underneath it for prostitutes.

British pop singer Lily Allen said in an interview that her children “complete” her, but that they also “ruined her career”. Allen spoke following the release and disappointing sales of her new single ‘Wheels On The Bus’.

Jennifer Lopez canceled several dates on her ‘This Is Me…Now’ Tour, notifying ticketholders ‘This Was Supposed to Be Me…But Isn’t…Now’.

The House of Representatives passed a bill to force TikTok to divest from its Chinese parent company or be banned in the U.S. The bill gained bipartisan support, from Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg and X’s Elon Musk.

Child actor Drake Bell accused a Nickelodeon network voice coach of sexual abuse during the filming of his ‘Drake & Josh’ tv show. Ironically, the voice coach told him not to speak up.

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A truck scattering salt on a path at a Chicago park slid backward into Lake Michigan, which will now be named the Not-So-Great Salt Lake.

“Disney Plus” was Google’s top trending search term in 2019. Second place was a ten-thousand-way tie between “[Name of Celebrity] Naked”.

University of Phoenix agreed to cancel $141 million in student debt over deceptive advertising. “That’s great!” said Summa Cum Laude fast-food drive-thru workers.

May 21, 2021 is being dubbed “Keanu Reeves Day”, with both ‘Matrix 4’ and ‘John Wick:Chapter 4’ debuting in theatres.  May 18, 2021 is being called ‘Rob Schneider Day’ with ‘Deuce Bigalow 3’ debuting on home video in Eastern Europe.

Dan Spilo, a ‘castaway’/contestant on CBS’ ‘Survivor’, was removed from the show in Fiji for alleged off-camera incidents of “inappropriate touching”. Spilo would not comment, nor would the monkeys who lodged the complaint.

President Trump called Time Magazine’s naming of climate activist Greta Thunberg ‘Person of the Year’ “ridiculous”, saying she should “chill”. Four White House aides then fought over who should get credit for coming up with that pun.

A hacker accessed a Ring security camera that a family placed in their 8-year-old’s bedroom and harassed her via the camera’s speaker. The family was horrified, but admit the hacker did get her to clean her room.

A Lenexa, Kansas woman used christmas lights to create a giant illuminated penis on her home’s roof, before neighbors asked her to shut it off. She complied, but may turn it back on Christmas Eve, at the request of Gay Santa.

Google Assistant launched Interpreter Mode, where two users can chat on Google even if they speak different languages. It’s considered a major breakthrough for International Sexting.

A Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles office made a 78-year-old woman walk without a cane before renewing her license, causing her to fall and break her wrist. Then they wouldn’t renew her license because she couldn’t sign her name.