The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

Kraft Foods is testing a plant-based Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Philadelphians in the product trial will put in on bagels, then throw it at visiting New York Giants players.

A McDonald’s franchisee in the Pittsburgh area was found in violation of multiple child labor laws. The investigation was brought on by a whistleblower whose one-piece footie pajamas caught fire while operating a deep fryer.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen will have her signature on U.S. currency. Although there isn’t enough room on the bills for “Put on a sweater, you’ll catch cold. Janet Yellen”.

Kim Jong Un told North Koreans to give their children patriotic names like Chung Sim (loyalty),┬áChong Il (gun),┬áPok Il (bomb) or Ui Song (satellite). In other news, the North Korean Gerber Baby contest winner was named, it’s Chung Chong Pok Song [Loyal Gun Bomb Satellite].

The New York Yankees are reportedly resigning slugger Aaron Judge to a 9-year, $360 million contract. It’s the largest payment to a Judge since Donald Trump paid Aileen Cannon before her rulings in the Mar-a-Lago documents case.

Time Magazine’s 2022 Person of the Year is Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They cited his leadership of Ukraine during the Russian invasion, and the fact that so may people know who he is despite not having a TikTok account.

A new study finds winter is worse for cold, flu & COVID viruses because temperature drops limit immune response in the nose. Doctors say to wash your hands and stick your fingers in your nostrils to warm things up and get your nose in fighting shape.

The very last Boeing 747 jumbo jet was completed, ending the aircraft’s iconic run. It will be placed into immediate service flying Kylie Jenner 12 miles to yoga class.

Herschel Walker was defeated in his attempt to become U.S. Senator representing Georgia. Walker’s stat line: 1 run; no gain.

Microsoft signed a 10-year deal to bring Call of Duty games to Nintendo platforms. “It’s a-me! Heavy enemy fire! I’m-a getting my-a f**king head-a blown off!!” said a wounded soldier in the bloody Battle Of Mushroom Kingdom.

One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

Cameo introduced Cameo Live, where, for a fee, you can have a 10-minute call with a celebrity. Bill collectors are happy to have a new way to get in touch with Vanilla Ice.

Grossinger’s Catskill Resort Hotel, which inspired the fictional Kellerman’s in Dirty Dancing, was destroyed by fire. Comedian Rich Little is still scheduled to appear.

Three inmates were charged with the murder of notorious gangster Whitey Bulger in a West Virginia prison in 2018. Investigators took four years because all three would be facing their fifth life sentence.

A Motley Crue fan was injured after falling from the upper deck of Indianapolis’ Lucas Oil Stadium during the band’s Stadium Tour concert. Calls for medical assistance were answered by a Dr. Feelgood, but it turns out he was just there to sell drugs.

January 6th rioter Riley Williams, who stole Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was granted a request to attend the Pennsylvania Renaissance Fair on Sunday while she’s on house arrest. The Queen of the Faire hired additional guards to prevent an overthrow.

SoulCycle is closing 20 studios across the U.S., angering instructors. Executives dismissed their complaints, saying finding a new job is just like riding a bike.

A 21-year-old restaurant server posted a TikTok video saying she puts her hair in pigtails because doing so means she gets bigger tips. She also needs them to drape over her bare nipples.

Video of Finland’s married Prime Minister Sanna Marin dancing with a ‘mystery man’ at a club has residents calling for an explanation and saying her marriage may be Finnished.

A mob ransacked a California 7-Eleven after frightened employees fled the store. Looters stole cigarettes, drinks, lottery tickets and other items. Although police managed to arrest the ones who stuck around too long microwaving stolen burritos.

Women are reportedly diagnosing themselves with ADHD after watching Tik Tok videos. Or, watching parts of videos because they don’t have the attention span to finish.

Fashion author Jill Gutowitz is quoted in the New York Post claiming dressing ‘like a lesbian’ is a “powerful fashion trend”. Others dispute her claim, yet high school softball teams are forefeiting games as players quit to become runway models.

First responders were called to a massive fire at a Walmart distribution center outside Indianapolis. It’s being called “the biggest Walmart worker smoke break ever”.

A new Selena album is planned for release 27 years after her death. Superfans are warned not to buy tour tickets.

Russia banned Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from entering the country, effectively shutting down plans for the World’s Worst Spring Break.

Tesla closed its Shanghai Gigafactory for two days as COVID cases spike in China. Workers welcomed the chance to spend two days with their children who are on a two-day break from the Apple factory.

A British woman says her TikTok accounts are repeatedly shut down because of her 38J breasts. TikTok responded it’s not just because they’re big, it’s because they’re too wide to be viewed in Portrait Mode.

A 20-year-old Canadian woman with natural 28H breasts convinced doctors who’d called her “too young” to surgically reduce them to C-cups. She claimed her massive breasts caused migraine headaches, but doctors concluded they were concussions from jumping rope.

Florida police arrested 108 adults in a human trafficking sting, including four Disney employees, in ‘Operation March Sadness 2’. That name edged out the runner-up, ‘Operation Unhappiest Place On Earth’.

Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen said the band’s setlist from the upcoming Stadium Tour with Motley Crue, Poison, & Joan Jett will include songs from a new Def Leppard album. Allen said it’s because concertgoers need time to buy beer and t-shirts.

Medical experts claim excessive daytime napping could be an early sign of dementia – or just that you’ve been working too long for the cable company.

Norway’s worst mass murderer in the nation’s history appeared at his parole hearing and started it with a Nazi salute, which the parole board called “a real time-saver”.

Philadelphia now requires vaccination for indoor dining. Those without proper vaccine status are encouraged to go to North Philly where they can be shot twice in no time.

U.S. communications providers Verizon and AT&T delayed the deployment of 5G signals near airports due to the risk of interference with aircraft instruments, though it won’t interfere with Spirit Airlines tin can-and-string communication systems.

Cracker Barrel was ordered to pay a customer $9.4 million for serving a glass of cleaning chemicals instead of water, permanently damaging his throat. They’re also being criticized for their first aid response, which involved stuffing his mouth with biscuits to soak up the chemical.

Saturnino de la Fuente, Guinness record holder as World’s Oldest Man, died in Spain at the age of 112 years, 341 days. Guinness contacted de la Fuente’s family to ask if they wouldn’t mind shipping the plaque to some other old dude.

A Japanese man with a graduate degree in physics rents himself out to ‘do nothing’ with strangers at a rate of $90 for several hours. He plans to emigrate to the United States and raise his rate to $174,000/year as a member of the Senate.

A Tesla owner was charged with felony manslaughter after putting the car on autopilot, driving through a red light and killing the occupants of another vehicle. The driver pled not guilty, and the car hired its own lawyer.

Texas rapper Sad Frosty died unexpectedly at age 24. First responders were unable to revive him by placing an old silk hat they found on his head.

The Taliban ordered all shop owners to behead their mannequins, because they’re “idols” banned by Islam. Shop owners are struggling to find cantaloupes so they can properly display hooded sweatshirts.

A woman posted on TikTok that her husband prepared “hormone food” to remedy her infertility, and that she’s now pregnant. She credits the delicious meals which she ate during lunches with the teenager who cleans their pool.

Rutledge Deas IV, 31, of Metairie, Louisiana, was arrested for faking being handicapped to get caregivers to change his diapers. He was found guilty of the same crime in 2019, and was sentenced to probation and unsuccessful toilet training.

Rather than pay $22,000 to replace the battery in his 2013 Tesla Model S, a man in Finland filled it with 66 pounds of dynamite and blew it up. A YouTube video of the explosion has racked up thousands of views, but the man says he can’t find his dog.

A former TikTok content moderator is suing the company, saying she screened thousands of traumatic videos, but the company did nothing to protect her mental health. Asked what was in the videos, she said mostly teachers and dads dancing.

Yu Siang Garden, a Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania Chinese restaurant, was robbed on Christmas Day. It’s a crime that had many other would-be robbers saying to themselves “now why didn’t I think of that?”

Multiple cruise ships are reporting COVID outrbreaks and are returning to their home ports. These include the Norwegian Corona, Carnival Delta, and Royal Caribbean Omicron.

T Mark Taylor, designer of the original He-Man and Masters of the Universe toys, died at age 80 in Southern California, but he will live on through Eternia.

A woman was disinvited from her friend’s wedding party because she was told she looked too good in the bridesmaid dress. She’s doing fine, but four of the ushers and groomsmen volunteered to check on her just in case.

Ayanna Davis, 20, a substitute teacher at a Florida high school, admitted to sex with an underaged student, which was recorded and shown to members of the football team. Police have not seen the video but are trying to find it, and are being aided in their search by every teen boy at the high school.

Las Vegas police who pulled over a pickup truck for a routine traffic stop found a severed head and several other body parts stuffed in a cooler. Cops arrested the man, who they describe as a “pretty terrible magician”.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli shared a tearful Instagram video discussing her struggles with weight and body image, then deleted thousands of comments under it from people making bad “take it ‘One Day At A Time'” puns.

President Biden will make 500 million at-home COVID tests available for free – just pay $9.95 for shipping & handling.

A female rookie NYC Police officer was recorded giving a lap dance to her married lieutenant at the precinct Christmas party. The lieutenant was busted down to transit duty, and the rookie officer was promoted to lieutenant.

The state of California sued Walmart for illegally dumping over one million items of hazardous waste. Walmart said they had to, because the Lunchables had expired.

The Grove, a high-end outdoor shopping complex in Los Angeles, now installs barbed-wire-like metal coil fencing after hours to prevent smash-and-grab robberies. A spokesman said it’s there to encourage a return to traditional daylight shoplifting.

Peloton shares tumbled when executives said sales of exercise bikes and treadmills fell 17% in the most recent quarter. They announced a recovery plan – selling less-expensive bicycle-and-treadmill shaped clothes hangers.

Health experts say people may not know they have the Omicron COVID variant, since its symptoms most mirror the common cold: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, and calling out of work because you’ve “never been this sick in your life”.

Rite-Aid is closing 60 locations, but promises to provide assistance to relocate the panhandlers in front of the affected stores.

Christina Aguilera marked her 41st birthday by posting topless photos to Instagram, captioning them ‘XTINA XLI’ – though most people who’ve seen the photos would call them ‘XTINA DDD’

Viral TikTok ‘stars’ the Island Boys attended Jake Paul’s knockout victory over Tyron Woodley in Tampa, but were booed and doused with beer. Their appearance also angered gamblers who’d bet heavily that Jake Paul would be the biggest douchebag to show up at the fight.

‘Frodo’, the last surviving pit bull from Michael Vick’s dogfighting ring passed away peacefully at age 15. Before he died, Frodo enjoyed a steak dinner, then told his puppies his last wish – that they repeatedly piss on Michael Vick’s leg.

Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.