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Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

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Police in Ontario, Canada pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was using a 30-can case of beer as a booster seat for his 2-year-old child riding on the passenger side. A proper child seat was given to the man, along with a sippy cup for the beer.

A Philadelphia man stopped his robbery of a 1 Stop Smoke Shop because the $200 the manager gave him wasn’t enough money for his daughter’s kidney transplant. Cops are searching for the man, and a GoFundMe was started to give him Uber rides to stores with more cash to steal.

U.S. Labor Secretary Alex Acossta resigned following criticism of the Florida plea-deal he’d made to billionaire child sex predator Jeffrey Epstein. Acosta’s plans are not known, but it’s assumed he’ll return to practicing law, poorly.

Droughts in Europe are creating a shortage of truffles – and a surplus of bored pigs trained to sniff them out.

A 140-foot superyacht that can be controlled with an iPad is up for sale for $15,000,400. It’s $15 million for the yacht, and $400 to replace the iPad the seller dropped overboard.

Denise Nickerson, who, as a child, portrayed Violet Beauregarde in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’ died at age 62. Her family removed her from life support following extended stroke complications, then she kicked the Charlie Bucket.

R&B singer R. Kelly was formally charged with racketeering and the sexual exploitation of at least five women. Kelly’s team dispatched a private plane to Washington, D.C. to convince unemployed former Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to lead the prosecution.

CNN will host a live lottery to determine which Democratic presidential candidates appear on stage together in debates airing July 30 & 31. Joe Biden’s team is working on a blockbuster deal to swap picks so he doesn’t have to see Kamala Harris.

Hasbro will not film a sequel to the 2017 ‘Power Rangers’ movie, and will reboot the franchise again. They’re seeking new actors of color to portray different-colored heroes.

Samuel L. Jackson has been cast in Chris Rock’s reboot of the ‘Saw’ franchise, rumored to be portaying ‘Motherf*ckin Jigsaw’.

 

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Microsoft revealed they’ve received 238 gender discrimination and harassment claims over the past six years, many of them citing lewd and vulgar responses to help requests submitted to Clippy the Office Assistant.

Toys R Us stores announced they’re closing or selling all locations and will fully liquidate. Also expected to liquidate? The pants of kids hearing that Toys R Us is gone.

Investment banking giant Goldman Sachs is expected to name David Solomon as their next CEO. Solomon, 56, is a part-time electronic dance dj who works New York and Miami clubs as ‘DJ D-Sol’, at raves which start at 4:30pm and end at 8:30.

Sears is seeking to improve its women’s apparel sales by bringing in the Jaclyn Smith line of clothing from KMart. Sears hopes to regain market share in women’s clothing that it’s been losing to Goodwill and its customers dying.

A new report claims that McDonald’s burgers and fries are higher in calories and salt than they were 30 years ago. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying that can’t be true since the burgers and fries have been in inventory for 35 years.

A new dating app, Waving, allows users to select potential partners by letting you hear the sound of their voice. Executives say the app’s beta is doing well with every category except hot deaf women.

A Minnesota woman was sentenced to a 180-day jail term for fatally shooting her boyfriend in a botched YouTube stunt. Her boyfriend held a book in front of his chest, believing it would stop the bullet. Unfortunately, it was an ebook.

Former ESPN President John Skipper said he resigned after his cocaine dealer threatened to extort him. The dealer said unless Skipper acceded to his demands, he could…go…all…the…way….to Disney CEO Bob Iger.

According to the National Institute on Retirement Security, 66% of millennials have no money saved for retirement. Millennials responded to the survey by saying they’re more interested in using money on experiences – like travel, concerts and homelessness.

Jeopardy! viewers took to Twitter to identify contestant Paris Themmen – who called himself an entrepreneur and backpacker – as the child actor who portrayed Mike TeeVee in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  Themmen finished second, winning $2,000, a case of Aleve and the heave-ho from weird looking little people.