Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.

Shakira said she was attacked by wild boars who stole her purse while walking in Barcelona, but that it was still a better experience than meeting Harvey Weinstein to discuss a possible movie role.

Mick Jagger reportedly went unnoticed while visiting the Thirsty Beaver bar in Charlotte, North Carolina. Meanwhile a conflicting report claims a 78-year-old British guy was kicked out for strutting around like a chicken.

Dancing With The Stars professional dancer Cheryl Burke and her partner, Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby, both tested positive for COVID-19, despite each getting a paso doble-dose of vaccine.

Irmgard Furcher, the 96-year-old Nazi secretary who’d fled prior to her court trial to face concentration-camp murders, was captured and remanded to custody. She faces life in prison, or 90 days, whichever comes first.

McDonald’s is bringing back McRib, as the CDC expresses concern over the U.S.’ ability to handle another national health crisis.

Amazon introduced Astro, a new personal robot. It sells for $999, and completed extensive rigorous testing from Amazon warehouse employees tasking it with emptying their urine bottles.

Customs officials in Philadelphia seized $6.5 million in counterfeit U.S. currency from Russia, after confusing it with their annual bribe.

El Salvador is using energy from volcanoes to mine Bitcoin. Although a dozen miners died plugging the computers into the volcano.

The City of Philadelphia’s plastic bag ban begins today, leading to price hikes on street drugs as dealers scramble to find tiny paper bags.

Walt Disney World opened 50 years ago today, an anniversary celebrated by a now-70-year-old couple who arrived on opening day, and have almost reached the front of the line for Space Mountain.

Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

Police in Tennessee are warning residents not to flush drugs down the toilet, since the drugs flow to sewer treatment ponds populated by alligators & ducks, creating highly aggressive “methgators” – and “heroinducks” that nod off and drown.

  • Engineers are working to solve the problem by rerouting Tennessee’s flushed illegal drugs from local sewage treatment plants, to water parks in West Virginia to meet that state’s demand.

Amidst a record dry spell, France is restricting water use, frustrating French citizens who wanted to take their annual shower in July.

A Florida man who ran a red light and slammed into a car carrying teenagers confronted good samaritans with a taser when they attempted to help the teens. Asked why he used a taser, the man said he forgot his gun.

A massive fire at a Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky on July 2nd leached alcohol into the Ohio River, killing fish, and getting others so drunk they called for rides rather than swim home.

An elderly man flying from Bogota, Colombia to Barcelona, Spain was arrested for smuggling 500 grams of cocaine under his toupee. Customs officials grew suspicious watching several hot women ask to smell his hair.

The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona ended on Sunday with three men gored by a single bull. The bull expressed disappointment that he couldn’t gore one more runner to hit for the cycle.

Nestle is introducing a new KitKat bar without any added sugar. “Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar and give it to someone else!”..says the catchy jingle.

This year’s Consumer Electronics Show – held every January in Las Vegas – will, for the first time, officially sanction the display of vibrators and sex toys. Before this year, to see sex toys and vibrators, attendees had to go anywhere else in Las Vegas.

Due to the current heat wave, City of Philadelphia public swimming pools will operate on a ‘Free Swim’ schedule — meaning planned activities will be cancelled so that everyone will be free to urinate in the pools.

Uber plans to introduce “flying taxis” in Los Angeles and Dallas by 2023.  Due to the company’s history of creepy drivers harassing women, female passengers will be encouraged to bring their own parachutes.