I Like Turtles! NFL Stoners! Immigration Upgrade! Wednesday Jokes.

Tourists were stranded on the Greek island of Zante for two days due to a travel curfew imposed while endangered Loggerhead turtles were mating. The delay could have been shortened, but the turtles had trouble finishing with so many angry tourists watching.

The National Football League is considering relaxing its rules on marijuana use, to see if it may help players with pain management. Coaches object, worried their players will fall in with a bad crowd and stop studying.

President Trump introduced a proposed new immigration policy, aimed to prioritize entry to the U.S. for those who speak English and who are financially secure. He predicts the policy will attract many, many more well-spoken, affluent terrorists.

Trump was contradicted by Boy Scouts of America officials after Trump had bragged that he’d heard from the Scouts about his Jamboree speech, complimenting it as one of the best they’d ever heard. The Scouts said they never called, but Trump doubled down, saying the caller was “Timmy something.”

A Sports Illustrated profile on Trump had the President quoted as saying he spends so much time at his golf resorts because The White House is a ‘real dump’. A profile of Melania quotes her as saying she spends so much time away from her husband because he’s a ‘real dumpster’.

A recent wave of violent crime has threatened tourism in Cancun Mexico. Local officials said that tourists who remain at their resort destinations should be just fine, with the possible exception of Sandals El Chapo.

Police seized 5 pounds of methamphetamine from two men at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Australia. McDonald’s was forced to suspend sales of its special limited-time Quarter Pounder with Crank.

District of Columbia has joined Oregon in offering gender-neutral drivers licenses. Officers there have been trained to ask “Do you know why I pulled you over, ..person?”

Iowa’s Department of Alcoholic Beverages has warned against serving Moscow Mules in the traditional copper mug, because drinks with a pH below 6.0 can create a toxic interaction with the copper, and because in Iowa the drinks are served with bits of real mule.

Apple has accumulated record cash holdings of almost $260 Billion, leading to speculation that it may buy Disney Corporation, or at least pimp out Minnie & Mickey.

  • The company’s enormous cash position was announced by CEO Tim Cook at Apple’s quarterly Money Bonfire.


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