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France reelected President Emmanuel Macron, defeating far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, who is going back to Le Drawing Board.

Maci Currin, a 6-foot 10-inch tall Texas teenager with the Guinness record for World’s Longest Legs at 4-feet 5-inches, has joined Only Fans, so that old creeps can answer the question ‘Do they go all the way up?’.

Fitbit is offering deep discounts for fitness trackers this Mother’s Day, for those looking to kickstart Mom’s fitness plans and also kickstart the end of their marriage.

A huge wildfire is raging in southwest Nebraska. Officials are trying to summon a tornado to put it out.

A Texas food delivery company is offering $10,000 for someone to do taste tasting in June & July and become the company’s Chief Taco Officer. They’ve received 75,000 applications from neighboring Mexico.

119-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the World’s Oldest Person, died. She was memorialized in a statement from the World’s Second Oldest Person, who then died.

Health officials in Congo report a new outbreak of Ebola. They’re doubly concerned because of the refusal of fruit bats to get vaccinated.

The first all-private team of ‘space tourist’ astronauts aboard the International Space Station will undock from the station and begin their trip home. They’re now pre-boarding military personnel and those who need a little extra time to get settled.

Amber Fillary broke her own world record by swimming 295 feet, 3 inches beneath the ice of a frozen Norwegian lake. She surfaced by breaking through the ice with her nipples.

A North Carolina woman whose doorbell camera alerted her to activity on her front porch saw that a snake had slithered in front of the camera. When she got to the porch, the snake had left behind a brochure for replacement windows.

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Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

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A New York MTA bus slammed into a Brooklyn townhouse complex where it remains stuck, requiring the evacuation of 170+ residents. However, three hipsters moved into the bus, splitting the $4,000 monthly rent.

BroodX cicadas were cited as the cause of a car crash outside of Cincinnati. Two cicadas were ticketed for driving with licenses that expired 16 years ago.

Beech Nut will no longer sell rice cereal baby food, saying it can’t control the high levels of arsenic in the rice. Meanwhile, several parents who tried serving the product claim their baby’s first words as “Are you TRYING to f*ckin’ KILL ME?”.

A viral TikTok video shows a groom nervously checking his phone as his bride walks down the aisle on their wedding day. She explained that his vows were written on the phone, but wondered if Grindr had a notes tab.

The Biden administration bought 500 million doses of Pfizer’s COVID vaccine to donate to underserved countries. However, unvaccinated residents of third-world countries are waiting to see what vaccine lottery prizes he’s giving away.

Mississippi ranks lowest in the country for adult COVID-19 vaccination, and highest in the nation for medical technicians cutting their hands open while holding syringes backwards.

Nitrous oxide, or ‘laughing gas’, shows promising early trial results to treat depression. The study followed 200 depressed individuals partying at an EDM festival with a truckload of canned whipped cream.

NBC cancelled fan-favorite show ‘Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist’, or, as it’s now known, ‘Zoey’s 25- Episode Playlist’.

Indonesian health officials were able to modify mosquitoes and reduce dengue fever transmission by 77%. They did so by introducing male mosquitoes to a bacteria found in Drakkar Noir, so humans could smell and avoid them.

Emma Colonel Alspuro, wife of convicted drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, pleaded guilty in U.S. Federal Court to drug trafficking charges. The former beauty queen will represent Mexico in this year’s Miss Supermax Pageant.

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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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Due to the coronavirus, the state of Arizona announced it’s delaying the first day of school. “Yeah, but what about the second day of school?” asked an Arizona high school football captain.

WNBA Players Association president Nneka Ogwumike told a USA Today reporter that players opted out of their agreement with the league as a “bet on themselves”. She then asked the reporter to pull up to the second window to continue the interview.

Ryan Seacrest broke up with longtime girlfriend Shayna Taylor, and vacationed with an unidentified woman in Mexico. He requests privacy until they debut three new talk shows together.

Studies show talking may spread coronavirus even worse than coughing. Experts call this one more reason for blowing off your grandparents.

Google added ten new dinosaurs you can place in photos using Google search and augmented reality. They include velociraptor, stegosaurus and Mitch McConnell.

The Women’s Tennis Association announced they’ll return with several small tournaments in late summer, including the Prague Open, featuring Karolina Pliskova and Petra Kvitova. They look forward to their extended break being ova.

Mark Wahlberg shared a photo of his back after an allergy scratch test. Wahlberg posted the tests revealed he’s “allergic to almost everything” – excluding awful Michael Bay and M. Night Shyamalan movies.

Looking at a red light for three minutes every day may improve eyesight in people over 40. However, it also increases the risk of getting honked at when the light turns green.

Fox News fired anchor Ed Henry following an investigation into sexual harassment. Henry was let go after it was determined he wasn’t harassing women nearly enough.

Alaska Airlines flight attendants will issue yellow warning cards to passengers who refuse to wear face masks while on board. If they refuse, they’ll receive a red card and a parachute.

 

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Apple announced a ban on all coronavirus-and-quarantine themed games submitted to the App Store, including Pokemon Stay.

The NFL Players Association approved a new collective bargaining agreement, which adds a 17th regular season game. The 17th game was needed so the Jacksonville Jaguars could play one home game in Florida, instead of London or Mexico.

The White House doctor stated Donald Trump tested negative for coronavirus, but still received a penicillin shot for some other stuff he found.

While Major League Baseball is on hiatus, PBS stations will air Ken Burns documentary series ‘Baseball’ to ensure everyone still has a way to stay bored.

Comcast announced it will not overcharge customers for internet usage while they quarantine for coronavirus. A spokesperson said the move toward not gouging customers required Comcast to retrain every employee.

Dozens of states have closed schools for weeks. In response, bullies announced they’re tripling staff to beat up all of the newly home-schooled kids.

West Virginia is now the only U.S. state without a confirmed case of COVID-19, but doctors admit it’s tougher to diagnose in lungs coated with coal dust.

Boeing reached a deal with Spirit Airlines to restart production on its 737-MAX jets –so now people can save money when they die.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio halted visits to New York City prisons during the coronavirus outbreak. Casting was halted on Weinstein Productions latest film.

Gumby’s Pizza in State College, Pennsylvania was shut down for using a food preparation table as a bed to ink tattoos. Since the tattoos now won’t be done in a half-hour, they’re free.

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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Southwest Airlines kicked off its latest promotional discounts, with one-way fares as low as $69, and special one-way fat-shaming fares as low as $49.

As sub-zero temperatures in Chicago continue, residents are being advised about ‘Frost Quakes’ – rumbles and noises from subterranean rock breaking as it freezes. Not to be confused with the cheap store-brand Frost Quakes cereal your mom buys.

Nintendo delayed the launch of its eagerly-awaited smartphone game, Mario Kart Mobile, until this summer. However, the marketing slogan is already set: “Don’t Text and Drive — Drive and Drive!”

Augusta National Golf Club announced that the par-4 5th hole, named ‘Magnolia’, has been lengthened 40 yards to 495 yards for this year’s Masters. They also announced that there isn’t a chance in hell you slobs will ever see or play it in person.

A South Korean woman whose husband died suddenly in Mexico claims Mexican authorities returned his corpse with the brain, heart and stomach missing.  In an unrelated story, the scarecrow and tin man got what they wanted from the Mexican Wizard of Oz.

Gisele Bundchen, wife of star NFL QB Tom Brady, opened up about her relationship with actor Leonardo Dicaprio. Bundchen said she split from Dicaprio because she was “no longer numbing herself” with drinking and work. Dicaprio replied saying he split up with Bundchen because she was “no longer 22”.

USA Today published an expose of Miami’s Jolie Plastic Surgery center, where 8 women have died after plastic surgery, 4 from complications of Brazilian Butt Lifts. The principal physician regrets that their asses couldn’t be saved.

A drunken British man whose misbehavior caused a Calgary-to-London flight to turn around must reimburse WestJet Airlines $21,000 for the fuel costs they incurred. The man said he’ll pay for the jet fuel, but only if he gets to drink some of it.

Walmart announced it will start paying bonuses to employees for good attendance. A spokesman called this a win/win for employees, since the bonuses are paid for showing up, not for actually doing any work.

Researchers at Stanford & NYU found that people who deactivated Facebook for four weeks reported being happier, but less informed about current events. They also reported difficulty finding $19 Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg copies of first-run movies.