Monday Jokes! Big Ben’s Ringer. Rally Cat. Blue Jays Order a Pitcher. And Other Junk.

Major repairs mean that London’s iconic Big Ben will be silent for four years. Crews renovating The White House are asking the Big Ben crews for tips on how they can shut things up for four years there, too.

Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier resigned from President Trump’s Manufacturers Council in protest over Trump’s failure to promptly condemn white supremacists in Charlottesville. Trump slammed Frazier, tweeting that Frazier’s leaving will give him more time to “lower ripoff drug prices.” Trump then blew taxpayer money to return to his ripoff country club in Bedminster.

The St Louis Cardinals will hold Rally Cat Appreciation Day to honor the stray cat that ran on to the field last week, inspiring a Cardinals comeback victory over the Royals. In addition to t-shirts, fans attending September’s appreciation day will get Rally Cat Food and sleep through the entire game.

The Toronto Blue Jays called up U.S. Army veteran Chris Rowley from their minor league team to pitch for them on Saturday. Americans envied Rowley’s ability to land a fun, high-paying job in Canada.

New research finds that goldfish can internally convert carbohydrates into alcohol, explaining why goldfish have such a hard time finding and keeping a job.

A 16 year old is running for Governor of Kansas, and his 17 year old friend is his running mate. Debate prep has already begun, with the challenger practicing telling the incumbent Governor “no,  you suck.”

Pro golfer Ian Poulter engaged in a heated argument with a rules official at the PGA Championship, over whether his lost ball had entered a hazard. For his poor behavior, he was assessed golf’s harshest penalty – being told that he wasn’t very polite.

Amazon is issuing refunds for what it’s saying are faulty eclipse glasses – Amazon is advising that they should not be used to watch the eclipse, but that they are still safe to see through women’s clothing.

A 27 year old motorcyclist survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in California’s Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles, captured on his GoPro camera. The cyclist was eventually taken to a hospital to be treated for a broken back, after he finished four more takes.

The Internet is abuzz over the Ta-Ta Towel, a $45 bra-like towel that women can wear to dry their breasts. While some criticize the high price, fans of the towel like its functionality, and say it’s also good for carrying produce or their bowling balls.

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