Sarah Palin is entered in today’s special election in Alaska. Palin admits that she doesn’t understand the state’s new ranked-choice voting system, but hopes for enough support to make it to the Hollywood rounds of American Idol.

The Flash star Ezra Miller apologized for his recent behavior, including an arrest for felony burglary and assault allegations. Miller claims to be dealing with complex mental health issues and entered treatment, which he expects to complete in a fraction of a second.

An 88-year-old South Carolina woman living in a gated senior living community died after falling in to a pond. Unfortunately for her, the pond was a senior living community for alligators.

Christopher Lowe, director of the Shark Lab at Cal State Long Beach said “swimmers are bitten, but rarely consumed [by sharks] – proving humans are not on their menu”. That, or sharks just prefer a lower-fat diet.

The U.S. Government cancelled $3.6 billion in student loan debt accrued by former students of the now-defunct ITT Technical Institute. Average credit scores soared 20 points for Burger King employees.

A metal object from an aircraft fell from the sky and landed near the Maine State Capitol. It was identified based on writing scribbled on a piece of duct tape reading ‘Property Of Spirit Airlines’.

The World Health Organization is holding an open forum to rename monkeypox because of concerns the current name is derogatory or have racist connotations. Newly suggested names are Washington Virus Team and Cleveland Guardians.

A dog contracted monkeypox in the first known human-to-pet transmission. The dog reportedly slept in a bed with two infected men; the dog insists it slept-slept, not the other thing.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences apologized to Native American Sacheen Littlefeather for abuse she endured when appearing to refuse Marlon Brando’s 1973 Oscar for The Godfather on his behalf. Then they screwed up again when the apology included a peace pipe.

Tiger Woods is flying to Wilmington Delaware, site of the PGA Tour’s BMW Championship, to strategize how the PGA should handle player defections to the Saudi-backed LIV Tour. The visit was confirmed by a memo distributed to Wilmington-area hostesses at Perkins and TGI Fridays restaurants.

New Jersey fishermen spotted a massive great white shark. Shark experts say it’s a teenage great white, because of its size, and because it was copying a great black shark’s dance moves and recording it for Tik Tok.

Philadelphia police blamed “contagious gunfire” for a weekend shooting on South Street. As proof of the contagion, they said over a dozen people tested positive for lead.

A petition from Michigan Republicans to stop voter fraud was voided after it was found to contain 20,000 fake signatures. They’ll regroup and renew their efforts, according to Michigan GOP chairman Mike Hunt.

Actress Neve Campbell will not appear in Scream 6, saying the salary she was offered was insufficient given her contributions to the franchise. That, and the first five left her with a really sore throat.

Apple announced iOS 16 and changes to iMessage, including the ability to unsend and edit dick pics.

Paramount Pictures, producer of Top Gun: Maverick, is being sued for copyright payments by family members of the author of an article which inspired the original Top Gun. Plaintiffs are seeking damages in the millions, although a similar suit involving the Iron Eagle movies was settled for free popcorn refills.

The CDC added four nations to its ‘high risk’ list for travel due to COVID infections: St Kitts & Nevis; Guyana; Mongolia; Namibia. Also, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms added two destinations to their high-risk list: anywhere in Philadelpia or Chicago on Saturday nights

A mysterious radio signal emanating from a slow pulsar in outer space has astronomers baffled – despite being the 10th callers, they were unable to identify the secret sound and the Radio Jupiter prize pack grew to $6,000.

Amazon Prime Video released the first trailer for its ‘A League Of Their Own’ tv show, which promises a “deeper look at race & sexuality” in women’s pro baseball. Translation: Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies and she hooks up with her black teammate.

More PGA Tour players are resigning in order to play for the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. The first event is this weekend in London, so they’ll all be-headed there.

Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

At the PGA Tour’s Workday Championship, several players honored Tiger Woods by wearing his signature Sunday outfit of a red shirt & black pants – then hitting on female servers in the clubhouse, and crashing their hospitality cars.

A new study claims the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns are causing married couples to have less sex, coining the new phrase “not tonight, I’m on a ventilator”.

A 74-year-old Florida man drowned while looking for a lost golf ball – the state’s first Putt-Putt fatality of 2021.

A live YouTube chat about chess was mistakenly shut down for hate speech by artificial intelligence screening for words like “black”, “white” & “attack”. A human moderator restored it, telling all of the queens to have a good time.

Taylor Swift reacted angrily to a line in Netflix show ‘Ginny and Georgia’, where a woman says her daughter “Goes through men faster than Taylor Swift”. Swift called it “sexist horse sh*t”. “We liked it” said Jake Gyllenhall, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston & others.

A study claims the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine may be less effective in people with obesity. The study said they might want to try longer needles.

Physics researchers discovered the swirlon, a new state of active matter in motion. They found it while studying the matter around their heads when bullies shoved them in toilets.

Excavators unearthed a near-fully-intact bronze-and-tin chariot from the lost city of Pompeii. However, despite repeated attempts, they couldn’t get the horses to start.

A 24-year-old man was arrested for crashing through the gate of Kim Kardashian’s home because he wanted to see her. Cops then asked Kardashian to stand up and turn sideways so the guy could see her from a mile away.

Two women were removed from an American Airlines flight for using racial slurs and fighting with a male passenger. Their Texas-to-California flight was diverted to Phoenix, where they were arrested, then rebooked on a Spirit Airlines flight where they were two of the nicer passengers.

Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.

IKEA debuted their Home of Tomorrow concept, envisioning how people will be living in the year 2050, when they finish assembling furniture they bought this week.

Columbus Police Officers subdued a non-violent double-amputee protestor and took off his prosthetic legs. “I’ll take one of those” said the lawyer he later hired to sue the cops.

The Barcelona Opera performed with an audience of 2,300 plants in their theatre’s seats. 1,900 of the plants died of boredom.

Comedian D.L. Hughley tested positive for COVID-19 after collapsing onstage during a performance at Zanies comedy club in Nashville. The club booked Rob Schneider for four shows this weekend to keep people away.

The National Hockey League will begin its Stanley Cup Playoff tournament on July 30th, in hub cities that can still make ice.

Michael Keaton is reportedly in talks to return as Batman in an upcoming movie about The Flash. The story centers around Batman mentoring The Flash during lightning-fast trips to and from the senior center.

A homeowner in Sunbury, PA spray-painted WIGHTE LIVES MATTER on their own picket fence. No charges were filed against the homeowner, Wilma Wighte.

A movement is underway to change the name of The Masters golf tournament, saying it’s rooted in slavery.  Ideas include reverting to its pre-1939 name, Augusta National Invitational, or the less-popular The Supervisors.

The Pennsylvania Board of Cosmetology is rejecting licenses for hair stylists and eyebrow technicians because of past misdemeanor criminal convictions. Residents are urged to keep a clean driving record and not steal if they want to ruin someone’s hair & makeup.

Email software company Boomerang claims emails that close with a “thankful message” are returned at a 36% higher rate. Also, emails that close with “go f*** yourself” are returned at a 98% higher rate.

A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

‘The Bachelor’ Peter Weber and Madison Prewett reportedly broke up just days after Weber selected Prewett on the series finale. They’re taking some time apart before looking to meet people on other tv shows.

Comcast announced they’re providing free broadband to low-income households during the coronavirus crisis. To qualify, customers just need to call a toll-free number and speak to a live person, which should take about three weeks.

Ikea launched a new Botanisk line of indoor gardening products. So, good luck figuring out how to put together a fern.

The wife of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau tested positive for coronavirus. Nine out of ten women still say they’d trade places with her.

A viral video shows people in Siena, Italy – quarantined within their houses – joining together in song at their windows. The sad part is the song was ‘Seasons In The Sun’. [story h/t to Joe M.]

The PGA Tour announced The Masters tournament will be postponed. In its place, CBS Sports will air four days of Tiger Woods painting a small deck and watching it dry.

Buffalo Wild Wings is changing its order sizing. Instead of ordering small, medium, or large portions of wings, customers will now order by quantity of 6, 10, 15, 20 or 30 wings. Amidst the change, company executives assure the public that the wings will still suck.

Ring upgraded its latest doorbell security cameras with new crime-prevention upgrades, including precise motion-tracking zones, dual-band wifi compatibility, and bullets.

Starbucks CEO says its stores may temporarily ban in-person orders. Customers will have to use mobile or drive-thru ordering, and ask for baristas’ help stealing Splenda packets.

A Missouri third-grade teacher is encouraging students to wash their hands by ink-stamping them in the morning with her name, ‘Mrs. Woods’, then making sure it’s washed off by day’s end. An 11th grade teacher is doing the same, but students are wondering why her phone number is on it too.

The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.