Ellen Frey-Wouters, an 88 year-old widow with no children, left $300,000 to her two cats when she died this week. The cats intend to use some of the money to hold a party at their house for needy neighborhood mice.

Hong Inh, a 103 year-old woman from Cambodia, received new U.S. citizenship after taking the oath in Los Angeles just this week.  She emigrated to the U.S. six years ago and boy are her arms tired from fighting off ICE Agents trying to deport her.

Police were summoned when Jon & Kate Gosselin, divorced tv-reality-show parents, argued at an orthodontist’s office over who would drive home their daughter. TLC immediately ordered 13 episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Go To The Dentist’.

Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note 8, smartphone successor to its infamous Note 7, which was pulled from the market after repeated battery fires. It features two 12-megapixel cameras, a 6.3 inch display, and a button that pops up when it reaches 165 degrees.

Mavis Wanczyk, a 53 year-old single medical worker from Chicopee, Massachusetts, claimed the $758 million Powerball jackpot. Asked what she planned to do, she said “first I want to sit back and relax.” Then she said she wanted to wreck Tom Brady’s marriage.

A six year-old boy in Louisiana found his twin cousins face down in a pool at a family party – he pulled them out, yelled for help and started chest compressions, possibly saving their lives. The boy said it was what he ‘had to do’ – to have the pool to himself.

The Secret Service spent $7,100 on the rental of luxury portable toilets for the duration of President Trump’s 17-day ‘working vacation’ at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club, and that’s not including the cost of magazines and iPads.

President Trump retweeted a meme of his head ‘eclipsing’ that of President Barack Obama, captioned ‘Best Eclipse Ever’ – which it is, to those who prefer a cold airless sea of dust & craters to warm, life-giving light.

Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods is expected to close on Monday; Amazon says that its first order of business will be to lower prices on many items, to bring the organic experience within reach of many more arrogant snobs.

Harley Davidson introduced eight newly-redesigned cruising motorcycles, to the delight of accounting middle managers who think they’re badasses.

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