Texas Senator Ted Cruz was booed, flipped off, and pelted with beer cans while riding in the Houston Astros World Series victory parade. He then returned home where he was booed, flipped off and pelted with beer cans.

Today is Election Day. Later this week doctors will diagnose a record number of patients with carpal tunnel syndrome from overusing the Mute button on their tv remotes.

Monday night’s record $1.9 billion Powerball lottery drawing was delayed because of a ‘technical issue’. The blonde model announcing the numbers thought something was missing, so she threw a paddle in with the ping-pong balls.

Powerball likely won’t be settled on Election Day, because state lottery commissions have to wait and count mail-in entries.

The NHL Boston Bruins have cut ties with Mitchell Miller, a defense prospect who bullied a developmentally challenged black boy when he was 14. There’s that, and he’s also not great at blocking shots or fighting.

Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks are under a state of emergency with the approach of Subtropical Storm Nicole. Guests at Disney & Universal are asked to keep their ears and Spidey senses open, respectively.

Jeff Bezos is reportedly interested in purchasing the NFL’s Washington Commanders. Although players say they’re worried about the 10-hour practices and having to piss in Gatorade bottles.

A Chicago high-school principal was suspended for posing with a student who dressed as Nazi soldier and gave a Nazi salute onstage during a Halloween costume contest. The principal defended his actions, saying he always takes a photo with the contest winner.

An Australian man is charged with physically assaulting the cleaner who interrupted his sexual encounter with a woman in a handicapped stall at a nightclub by repeatedly knocking on the stall door. The paraplegic waiting to use the stall called it ‘still kind of a mess’, but got through it okay.

Rappers Drake and 21 Savage are being sued by publisher Conde Nast for placing their photos on fake Vogue magazine covers to promote their new album. A spokesperson for Vogue says they never gave permission, but that they could still maybe get on the cover of Vogue if they each lost about fifty pounds.

An iPhone factory was temporarily shut down in China when workers at a Foxconn facility walked off assembly lines to protest COVID quarantines. While technically a walkout, most of the iPhone assembly workers rode off on their Big Wheels.

The City of Philadelphia became the first to lose two championships in one day, as the Philadelphia Union soccer team and the Philadelphia Phillies lost in the MLS Cup and World Series, respectively. Residents expecting to fire guns in the air in celebration quickly switched plans and fired them at each other.

California became the latest state to legalize human composting – adding biodegradable items to corpses so they become fertilizer. Advocates of the practice say the hardest part is looking at it when you throw banana peels and egg shells in to the compost bin.

With no winners on Saturday, the Powerball jackpot grew to $1.9 billion – or, about how much Twitter is worth now after Elon Musk bought it for $44 billion a couple weeks ago.

Salad restaurant Sweetgreen is offering its first chainwide dessert, a ‘healthy’ Rice Krispies treat made with quinoa, millet, brown rice and date honey. It’s available for purchase today, and available to birds after it’s tossed on the ground after one bite later today.

Twitter banned comic Kathy Griffin for impersonating Elon Musk without explicitly stating that it was a parody account. Content moderators wondered why Musk would start telling joke after joke about being friends with gay people.

Dr. Dre gave the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction speech for fellow rapper Eminem, in which Dre joked that Eminem wanted it mentioned that he “has a huge penis”. Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford, also in attendance, then asked to meet Eminem.

A drunk 22-year-old woman enrolled at University of Kentucky was arrested after threatening the student working at the front desk of her dorm while calling her the n-word. She’ll either be expelled or announce her campaign for Student Body President.

A Georgia teen who pulled off a mask while brandishing a handgun during a robbery at a vape store claims it was all just a prank. Nonetheless, he’ll be charged as a Juul thief.

A North Carolina teen rolled out of a moving Lyft car after her driver made inappropriate comments about her appearance and repeatedly sprayed a substance with the windows rolled up. She was refunded, and treated for both injuries to her face & legs and Drakkar Noir inhalation.

Snopes disproved the story that Alabama man Kevin Greeson died at the January 6th DC riots of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles. Greeson did die of a heart attack, and medics unsuccessfully tried to revive him by tasering his nuts.

Hallmark Corporation requested the return of their campaign donations to Missouri Senator Josh Hawley, in the form of an eight-line poem in a card with To Our Special Little Boy on the front of it.

Other large corporations, including Blue Cross, Marriott, and several banks, have halted donations to Republicans. The GOP already asked the My Pillow guy to make up for it, but he’s committed to spending a million ad dollars a day on MeTV.

The NFL Philadelphia Eagles fired head coach Doug Pederson, less than three years after he led the team to its only Super Bowl victory. Local media penned multiple scathing articles condemning the move, starting with the phrase “not for nothin’..”.

The World Health Organization claims COVID-19 herd immunity won’t happen until 2022, but that death immunity will continue to grow in the meantime.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick cancelled an appearance in Washington to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Asked multiple times for comment on why, Belichick said “I’m just focused on the Dolphins” again and again.

Jacob Anthony Chansley – the horn & fur wearing QAnon Shaman from the January 6th riots – is refusing prison food because it isn’t organic. Chansley reportedly told his mother he’s worried about being sentenced to death by force-feeding Hot Pockets.

Mega Millions and Powerball jackpots both rose over the $500 million mark. Experts say odds of winning are about the same as getting a COVID vaccine before Memorial Day.

Donald Trump is reportedly “gutted” that the PGA Tour pulled the 2022 PGA Championship from Trump National golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey, and “furious” that they awarded it to Joe & Kamala’s Pitch n Putt in Bear, Delaware.

University of Michigan extended the contract of head football coach Jim Harbaugh, saying in a statement they’re proud to continue losing to Ohio State until 2026.

Ellen Frey-Wouters, an 88 year-old widow with no children, left $300,000 to her two cats when she died this week. The cats intend to use some of the money to hold a party at their house for needy neighborhood mice.

Hong Inh, a 103 year-old woman from Cambodia, received new U.S. citizenship after taking the oath in Los Angeles just this week.  She emigrated to the U.S. six years ago and boy are her arms tired from fighting off ICE Agents trying to deport her.

Police were summoned when Jon & Kate Gosselin, divorced tv-reality-show parents, argued at an orthodontist’s office over who would drive home their daughter. TLC immediately ordered 13 episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Go To The Dentist’.

Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note 8, smartphone successor to its infamous Note 7, which was pulled from the market after repeated battery fires. It features two 12-megapixel cameras, a 6.3 inch display, and a button that pops up when it reaches 165 degrees.

Mavis Wanczyk, a 53 year-old single medical worker from Chicopee, Massachusetts, claimed the $758 million Powerball jackpot. Asked what she planned to do, she said “first I want to sit back and relax.” Then she said she wanted to wreck Tom Brady’s marriage.

A six year-old boy in Louisiana found his twin cousins face down in a pool at a family party – he pulled them out, yelled for help and started chest compressions, possibly saving their lives. The boy said it was what he ‘had to do’ – to have the pool to himself.

The Secret Service spent $7,100 on the rental of luxury portable toilets for the duration of President Trump’s 17-day ‘working vacation’ at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club, and that’s not including the cost of magazines and iPads.

President Trump retweeted a meme of his head ‘eclipsing’ that of President Barack Obama, captioned ‘Best Eclipse Ever’ – which it is, to those who prefer a cold airless sea of dust & craters to warm, life-giving light.

Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods is expected to close on Monday; Amazon says that its first order of business will be to lower prices on many items, to bring the organic experience within reach of many more arrogant snobs.

Harley Davidson introduced eight newly-redesigned cruising motorcycles, to the delight of accounting middle managers who think they’re badasses.