A copperhead snake bit a woman three times at a Longhorn Steakhouse in Virginia. The woman was hospitalized for 11 days; the snake saved room for dessert and slithered out with a chocolate lava cake.

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for repeatedly sexting a 15 year old girl. Weiner unsuccessfully pleaded with the judge for probation only, saying he’d straightened himself out and had the pictures to prove it.

GOP Senators made last-ditch revisions to the Graham-Cassidy health care bill, in an effort to appease holdout senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine. The revised bill now extends Medicaid benefits to elderly king crabs and lobsters.

President Trump signed an expansion of his original travel ban, adding 8 more nations, including North Korea. This comes as heartbreaking news to the Showcase Showdown trip winner on ‘The North Korean Price Is Right.’

A far-right Catholic group signed a letter accusing Pope Francis of heresy for, among other things, allowing divorced, remarried Catholics to accept Holy Communion.  His Holiness replied that he preaches forgiveness, and that he likes to see divorcees dressed up with their tongues sticking out.

Following hurricane devastation that left Puerto Rico almost fully off the grid, meteorologists and mayors on the East Coast of the U.S. are meeting to ask ‘How do we solve a problem like Maria?’.

French chef Sebastian Bras, whose restaurant Le Suquet has held Michelin’s highest three-star rating for a decade, asked Michelin to remove his stars so he won’t feel so much pressure. Michelin is expected to comply, having recently honored the request of a chef at Cracker Barrel to stop rating him.

Miss Turkey Itir Eisen was stripped of her title, after a controversial tweet where she said her period had begun, representing the blood of martyrs who had died in a coup to overthrow the government last year. Pageant runner-up, Asli Sumen, assumed the crown and tweeted “what’s a period?” since she’s 7.

North Korea released a 99-second propaganda video featuring crude computer simulations of U.S. warplanes and aircraft carriers exploding from North Korean attacks. The video concluded with ‘Directed by Michael Bay’.

Target stores raised their minimum wage to $11 an hour, and committed to paying $15 an hour in 2020. Reached for comment, a $9 an hour WalMart employee said that while he’s tempted, he won’t give up on a 30-year WalMart career.

 

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