Tuesday Jokes: Oct 3rd

88% of Puerto Rico residents are still without cell phone service. The outage most severely impacts T-Mobile customers, who aren’t really sure they ever had service to begin with.

Three U.S. scientists will share the Nobel Prize for physics for their detection of gravitational waves – the stretching & squeezing of space-time occurring when massive objects accelerate. They were able to successfully prove the existence of a black hole formed at the entrance of a Popeye’s Chicken when it opens for lunch.

National Geographic compiled a list of 10 huge discoveries that should have been Nobel Prize winners, but weren’t. The list includes the World Wide Web, the Human Genome, Dark Matter – and Donald Trump’s combover.

Chaotic scenes played out in Spain following a Catalonian referendum on independence. A Quinnipiac poll asked 1,000 Americans what they thought of Catalonia; 50 were in favor of independence, 50 were against, 800 said they didn’t know, and 100 said it was their favorite Bob Seger song.

Former Equifax CEO Richard Smith is set to testify before Congress on Tuesday, and he’ll remain in Washington DC for three more days of hearings. He’s trying to find a couch to crash on, since none of his credit cards are being accepted at hotels.

  • Equifax admitted this week that another 2.5 million records had been stolen; even more may be added to the total as Eastern European hackers staff up for the Holidays.

Warren Buffett announced that his Berkshire Hathaway will buy a majority ownership stake in truck stop company Pilot Flying J.  The news was welcomed by meth dealers and prostitutes who will finally have tuition reimbursement and 401Ks.


Following Sunday night’s horrific shooting in Las Vegas, President Trump led the nation in a moment of silence Monday afternoon, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A coalition of 40 Roman Catholic organizations in the ‘Global Catholic Climate Movement’ announced that they will no longer invest in fossil fuels – choosing, instead, to shift their funds to creationist fuels.

Senator Elizabeth Warren told Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan that he should be fired, at which point President Trump burst into the Senate Banking Committee hearing to accuse Pocahontas of stealing his line.




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